Is it ok to hate your mom?

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Permalink Reply by Barbi on October 1, 2008 at 2:34pm

I feel your pain. My mother was very mentally abusive. She would leave for months at a time leaving me to care for my younger sister at the age of ten. She was always calling me names, had psychotic breakdowns all the time but since my older sisters moved out before she got as bad as she was with me, everyone thought I was being the normal teenager that hated her mother. No one believed me on how horrible she had gotten.

Until I finally ran away. And she turned on my other sisters. And they felt the brunt of it - even not living with her. I went years without talking to my mother. She has never even met my son. I have had many people tell me that I should not NOT talk to her...I don't believe I ever said that I hated her. I don't hate anyone - it's such an ugly word...and in my head I would always take up for her and make up excuses for her - and try to rekindle our relationship only for her to somehow screw it up again.

HOWEVER - I know this is probably not something that you want to hear...my mom started to get sick. She was telling my other sisters (who made up with her) that she really missed me and wanted to talk to me and yadda yadda. Turns out she went to the doctor and has been taking the medications that she needed and we have been talking conflict free for almost a year. She still has never met my son, though.

Anywho - I do not think that just because someone gave birth to you that you cannot feel dislike towards them. That you HAVE to love them or get along with them....sorry that I rambled so much. My mother is such a sensitive topic as it is for a lot of women.

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Permalink Reply by T. Suzanne Eller on October 1, 2008 at 2:42pm

Hey Gina,

I grew up in dysfunction too. I found that in loving my mom, forgiving my mom, even accepting that she was broken in a sense was a step in me being whole and giving my children something greater than I received. It doesn't mean that what happened is okay, but rather than I learned from it, unpacking the unhealthy parenting skills and methods and replacing it with healthy resources that will make my children feel safe, loved, and nurtured.

I also had to let go of the past. I didn't brush it under the rug, or pretend it didn't exist, but realized that forgiving had more to do with me being emotionally healthy and taking steps to give my children a healthy, strong, confident person as a mom. : )

If a mom is still dysfunctional, then there are boundaries to put in place, not to punish them, but to work toward a healthier relationship when, and if, she is ever prepared to do so. If there is abuse or addiction, then those boundaries are stronger. I think that friends that say, "she's your mother, you have to love her" fail to understand that it's a process to work past dysfunction or abuse. I travel all over the nation speaking and teaching "pushing past your past" workshops at parenting conferences, and it's amazing to hear the stories of women who have moved past hate to acceptance, or even love.

I'm truly sorry that you had to deal with the harsh stuff growing up. Suzie

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Permalink Reply by Pamela Kramer on October 1, 2008 at 3:09pm

I think that life is to short to hate anyone and that it requires too much energy. I've always had a complicated relationship with mom. I didn't understand her decisions growing up but there was always a minimal line of respect there. I'm from the South and we are raised to respect, respect, respect our parents. Oh and you better have manners! I think it's just a matter of degree really. Here, you can not get along with your mother, you can have a complicated relationship but to hate your mother, no. lol

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Permalink Reply by Hurt_mom on October 1, 2008 at 3:53pm

Well, I have to make in put on this one because of the thirty-four years of the mother that raised me and all the abuse and crap that I have been through Yes I think it is all right to say it is all right to say you can hate your mother. Especially when she can say after years later of bring a butcher knife to my throat, well... that is the best I could do for you. Then not even apologize for the fact that she did that and say that she did do something like that. She is in complete denial of our child hood. She was such abusive mother and don't realize it. When we got spanked it was with a belt or with her hand, it was with what ever she could find around the house at the moment in our bedroom. We had a little pool table and had plastic pool sticks and she used those on us. She once got so pissed off at me and threw a stereo at me. Talk about being a teen and not wanting to go to school because of bruises. I am sorry but yes it is alright to hate your mother. She still til this day being thirty-four years old tries to control my life and we live in separate states!!!! I hate the lady that raised me and she knows it! I have told her so. I feel sorry for the guy she married because his kids won't even come around because of her. She thinks everyone owes her something! Well she is wrong!!!! She owes me over $3000.00 for the accident I was in when I was a teen, I will make sure I get it back one way or another. I guarantee it.

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Permalink Reply by T. Suzanne Eller on October 1, 2008 at 4:32pm

In a sense when we don't forgive and move forward, we spend a lot of energy and time angry and hurting over the past. We've moved on in age and time, but we're tied to the past through those emotions. Again, it doesn't make what happens right, it just helps us to make a clean cut between the past and today and spend that energy in things that are productive, healthy, fun, and we are no longer defined by our past. We are shaped by it, but not defined by it. Does that make sense?

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Permalink Reply by Amy on October 1, 2008 at 7:31pm

I tell my kids, hate is a very strong word. You need to move away from this and make your own life-make peace with yourself. Set up boundaries-yes, you have a mother but you are not close and do not dwell on it. This will eat you alive.

I would advise speaking to a professional-come to the bottom of the problem and move on.

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Permalink Reply by mandy on October 1, 2008 at 7:45pm

tough situation

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Permalink Reply by Tracy on October 1, 2008 at 9:20pm

I think you have to know & understand each person's histories & situations. I was not close to my Mom growing up. I lost
one of my brothers'. Out of that came a closer relationship with my Mom. I do enjoy, & appreciate what we have now.
However, I would give that up in a second, if it would bring my brother back. I myself think it takes so much energy out
of a person to"hate". Whenever my teenage daughter says she hates someone, I tell her you dislike them. It must be working, she hasn't said she hates anyone/anything in awhile. I will keep my fingers crossed!

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Permalink Reply by Tracy on October 1, 2008 at 9:29pm

Bravo! Suzie, I couldn't have said it better myself! I also have choosen to treat my daughter how I should've been treated growing up. I wish all Parents, Guardians, Etc. would realize what they do could make a great, or a really bad impact on
generations to come. God Bless You, thanks for sharing:]

T. Suzanne Eller said:

Hey Gina,

I grew up in dysfunction too. I found that in loving my mom, forgiving my mom, even accepting that she was broken in a sense was a step in me being whole and giving my children something greater than I received. It doesn't mean that what happened is okay, but rather than I learned from it, unpacking the unhealthy parenting skills and methods and replacing it with healthy resources that will make my children feel safe, loved, and nurtured.

I also had to let go of the past. I didn't brush it under the rug, or pretend it didn't exist, but realized that forgiving had more to do with me being emotionally healthy and taking steps to give my children a healthy, strong, confident person as a mom. : )

If a mom is still dysfunctional, then there are boundaries to put in place, not to punish them, but to work toward a healthier relationship when, and if, she is ever prepared to do so. If there is abuse or addiction, then those boundaries are stronger. I think that friends that say, "she's your mother, you have to love her" fail to understand that it's a process to work past dysfunction or abuse. I travel all over the nation speaking and teaching "pushing past your past" workshops at parenting conferences, and it's amazing to hear the stories of women who have moved past hate to acceptance, or even love.

I'm truly sorry that you had to deal with the harsh stuff growing up. Suzie

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Permalink Reply by Donna Hardesty on October 2, 2008 at 7:01am

My Mom is the one person in the world I can truly say I have never truly hated (except perhaps when I was very young and she wouldn't let me do something I wanted to and I "said" I hated her). She is the most patient, kind, and loving person I have ever known and anyone that has ever met her has said so. Even my Dad's mother (Nanny) had said she wished she was her own daughter. She raised 13 children with the patience of a saint. I raised 2 and there were many times I truly wondered if my Mom was a little insane or at least was missing some marbles, She went back to school in her early 40's when my youngest brother was 4 , earned her Bachelor's degree, got her nursing certificate and worked well into her late 60's in the neonatal unit of our local hospital until she retired. The joke was that since she could no longer have babies of her own she would take care of other people's babies. She saw quite a few of her grandchildren into the world (she currently has 30 grandchildren and 3 great granddaughters). In 2009 she will celebrate 60 years of marriage to my father and her 80th birthday. She is my hero and if I can emulate half her patience, kndness, and love I will be a better person for it.

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Permalink Reply by Michelle Erich on October 2, 2008 at 7:11pm

Own your own feelings and be honest. Not all moms are deserving of love and closeness and forcing a phone emotion can only hurt you. If not living her is a problem, then forgive her faults, mistakes, and past errors and allow yourself to love her!

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Permalink Reply by Its me..Marie on October 3, 2008 at 5:21am

I can relate to how you are feeling, Gina and although I have forgiven my mother, I have found that her and I will never have that relationship that I always dreamed of. I went through therapy whenI was a teen and am now in my early 30's and find that she is just not going to be the person that I want her to be. She is who she is and I love her for it, however, I cannot allow her to treat my kids the same way she treated me. So I have come to the decision that she cannot be in our lives anymore. She needs help and until she is open to receiving it, I refuse to be her doormat. I feel as you and agree that the person that gives birth to you, is not considered a 'mother' and unless someone has been in an abusive situation of that kind, they cannot ever criticize or look down on you for feeling the way you do.

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