Is it ok to hate your mom?

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Permalink Reply by Cynthia K on October 3, 2008 at 8:48am

This is really sad. You know what though? There have been millions of dollars made by treating people with mother issues! I think there are very few people who, as adults, claim a perfectly healthy relationship with their moms. My
mom was pretty kick ass and there are still LOTS of things that I am careful of in my parenting. For example, I never let
my children see me cry. Totally stupid hang up, but I hated seeing my mom cry as a child. It made me feel helpless and
utterly sad. But back to your post... I think that you're absolutely entitled to not like your mom. Like you said, some people are just jerks. I dont think that giving birth entitles you to love. If a mother treats her children horribly than I think that they have every reason to not include her in their lives. Especially if you have children of your own. I think that you
should be proud that you can protect your own children from a person that you feel could hurt them in some way, emotionally or physically. That being said, I also feel like hate is not a good thing for your own soul. I don't think
you can hate someone and NOT have it hurt you in someway inside. Maybe you could feel sorry for her because she
will never know the love of her children or grandchildren. I always tell my kids to save their hate for something worthwhile, like war or famine.

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Permalink Reply by Debra Sandstrom on October 6, 2008 at 8:25pm

I so wish my mother was here to get angry at or yell at. I miss her so much. I guess it is hard for a woman like me to understand hating your mother because even though I got mad at her I still loved her very much. I lost my mom 3 years ago. I am pregnant and wish she was here to help. I also got married this summer and she wasnt there. I understand that not all woman are meant to be mothers and they are lousy at it. I just think we (those that had or have a good relationship) dont understand it because we havent experinced it.

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Permalink Reply by marie on October 7, 2008 at 8:20am

You should not really hate anyone, it takes to much out of you...but it is not unsual to hate or (dislike) your parents, for the same reasons you mention, "jerks", "unfit", or any other word that is used for describing such parents.

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Permalink Reply by boobaloo1 on December 5, 2008 at 10:02am

I agree. Completely. Everyone is speaking regarding their own situation and I think that it is impossible to "forgive, forget, and accept" a mother who was not only horrible when you were young but continues to be just as horrible. This is my case and I am constantly fighting the "she's your mother, you should love her" battle. Everytime I try to go back and get along with her she shows me again how truly horrible she is. She is a petty, mean, selfish person and someone I would NEVER have anything to do with if she weren't related. The other thing is that she brings me and my life down. She lies, says hateful things about me, etc. STILL! I am 35 years old! That to me is unacceptable and I just can't find it in my heart to accept her and I would love someone's advice on how to get her out of my life and not feel like I am being evil by doing so. I don't mean to sound hateful but she is killing me.

You say "boundaries need to be put in place". Where am I supposed to draw the line? Am I selfish to want her out of my life for good? How much am I supposed to put up with? I just can't handle it anymore.

How much of your life should someone be allowed to make miserable until you let them go??? Blood or not!

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Permalink Reply by Jil K. Elam-Capetillo on December 5, 2008 at 11:15am

I think we should learn from the way that we have been raised and if we did not like something then we should not do that ourselves or with our own children or in our lives. We should honor our parents. We do not have to love them. When your mom raised you, I guess that I would like to think that she did the best she could with what she new how, she made choices also. But I am sure that all in all for worse or better, that you are a better person for it, because you are not going to make the same mistakes that she made. I don't think that you have to have a one on one girlfirend type of relationship. Just show her that you care, and now that you are grown you can tell her to not talk to you a certain way or that you do not want to talk about certain things and end the conversation. No one knows how you were raised by your mom except for you, because you are the one that had to live with her. You could make a choice to love her, love is not always a feeling it is a choice and sometimes the feeling comes later. My mom was not so great either.

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Permalink Reply by ShellyBelle on December 5, 2008 at 12:32pm

For my own sanity I have chosen to forgive my mother. In my choosing to forgive her I take back any power she may have had over me. Forgiveness is a choice and not necessarily a feeling. I choose to not have a relationship with her because she will not respect my boundaries. It is unhealthy for my emotional growth.

There are times that I feel sad and want a nurturing relationship with her, but she is unable to give that to me. So in the process of nurturing my own children (3 boys) I end up nurturing that little girl inside of me. It's then best I can do in a bad situation.

Some of what has helped me to make the choice to forgive is that I can see that my mother is truly ill. She really has no clue of the extent her dysfunction has affected me. She will never comprehend, so I do not even try and get her to. I see that her childhood was dysfunctional as well. Although there may be some reasons behind her dysfunction, it does not give way to releasing her from her responsibilities of her own actions. She is an adult and as adults we own our own choices we make.

I wish her the best in life, but just not the best part of mine. I am 45 years old and it took me until I was 40 to get to this place. I do not feel the need to justify my relationship or lack thereof with her to anyone. No one has walked in my shoes and so I do not concern myself with other's opinions. When you allow judgement and criticism to control or affect the way you feel or live your life you give your power away. I like owning and being in charge of my own power. It is empowering and helps me to be the best I can be for myself, my children, and my hubby.

Maybe someday she will get the help she needs. Where there is life there is hope. I have no expectations from her. The sad thing is I am her only child. What a shame for her.

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Permalink Reply by Lindsy on December 9, 2008 at 3:38pm

Well to reverse the situation, I am the Mother & fortunately have a wonderful relationship, not only with my daughter but with my daughter-in-laws. When they say you "have to love your mother" you have to take this all the way. You can love her because she is your Mom. That doesn't mean you have to like her or respect her choices. Just lilke with you own child....it's the...you love them all the time, but don't like them some of the times. Love & like are really very different things. It would be nice if you could have a good relationship with her but that is not always in the cards for everyone. You have to do what makes you happy, if your not happy then your immediate family hurts...

Good luck...

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Permalink Reply by Roshanda Lee on August 20, 2009 at 11:54pm

Im 30 years old and I do have a situation were my mother hates me. She spends every waking day trying to ruin my life. When I was a kid she would poison me with some liquid that would make me vomit and the make me pass out for hours and keep me sick all the time so she could do her drugs and keep me out of the way. She would alow her boyfriends to molest me from the age of 12 till i was 15. Now as an adult she has sent men out to beat me up, she has tried to get me arrested falsely, she has even went as far as sleeping with my boyfriends. I've asked her why did she even have me, what makes her hate me so much. What I also dont understand I why DCF didnt come and help me when I was being abused. Im was an A student in school I took care of my mother because she was a drug addick and never worked a day in her life I was forced to take care of the finaces of the house at an early age I was also forced to raise me 2younger sisters so it wasnt like I did anything to diserve that treatment I dont Speak to the woman any more but she still tries to cause trouble everynow and then. So yes there is cases of a mother hating her child I lived it.

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Permalink Reply by jay edmonton on August 21, 2009 at 1:25pm

If you really want to understand more about about yourself and be able to let go of any resentment and ill-feelings for good, try reading a book called HOMECOMING by John Bradshaw. Basically, children are born to all kinds of people for all kinds of reasons, and there is no instruction booklet that is provided to the parents. And, most parents end up acting the only way they know how to and that's not always a good thing, but it's the only thing they know how to do. Only thing you can do is accept your mother as a human being and forgive her for all she's done (more for your sake than for hers), and then sit down and decide what 'you' want your relationship to be with your mother. You alone decide. Then, stick to that decision, so it won't matter here or there what anyone else suggests. By your question asked, it seems like you feel/felt like you need to defend your decision to stay away from your mother. If you trust yourself because you are clear with your feelings (why I suggested the book), then you can make a strong stand for what 'you' believe in. Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Princess Jennifer on September 27, 2009 at 4:39pm

I understand exactly what you mean.I have always kept my feelings about my mother bottled up inside because my feelings were socially incorrect. The thing people fail to realize is that being a mother is about more than just giving birth. My mother has done so much that I try with every fiber of my body to get over it because I don't want to carry this demon around for my own conscience.

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