I Cancelled His Birthday Party!! Was I wrong?

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Permalink Reply by T. Suzanne Eller on October 28, 2008 at 7:32pm

It's important that discipline be reasonable and not handed out in the heat of emotion. Separate your child from the behavior. What is a reasonable consequence for his behavior? Does he understand why it's important that he turn in his homework, not lie to you, and what to expect when this happens? Separating the behavior from your son allows you to love him, let him know that he's always safe and you are always going to be consistent, but addresses the behavior every single time so that he gets the fact that it will always have consequences. It also takes out the emotion (I was p**d off so I grabbed them out of his bag) out of the situation.
Can you take it back? Most likely it could confuse the situation, but a birthday is a big deal and only one time a year. It's a tough thing to use as discipline because it's more punishment than discipline. It may be that you sit down and talk with him, explain the family guidelines, let him know exactly what will take place every time. Tell him you acted out of anger (which is not something you want either of you to do), that his birthday is important, but that he still must face consequences for his actions AND follow through on that immediately. Let him know you love him, but because you love him the behavior will always have consequences.

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Permalink Reply by Shellie on October 29, 2008 at 6:00am

You had said that "This is not my, he is very well behaved boy and has seem to have gotten a bit of an attitude lately" If this behavior is new, maybe there is an underlying cause that needs to be explored. Maybe something is going on at school.

As far as the Birthday Party goes, I agree with T. Suzanne Eller. I don't think a Birthday should be used as punishment, it goes up there with Christmas, Halloween, etc... We all say things when we are angry and you should sit down and tallk with about what you did out of anger and what he did out of anger and why it is wrong.

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Permalink Reply by Karen Putz on October 29, 2008 at 9:24am

It sounds like something else is going on with your son. I had a similar issue with my son and it turned out that he wasn't really sure how to tackle a project so he avoided it. We were able to work it out and he learned to come to me or the teacher the next time he had difficulty with something in school.

A birthday is a celebration of a special time, I think that it might have been a little harsh. There are other things to take away, perhaps TV or increasing his chores, but the most important thing is to get to the root of what's causing your son to feel he must lie and hide his work.

If you want to reinstate the birthday party, you can explain that you've had time to think it over and realize that you want to work this out together. Ask your son for some suggestions on ways that he could tackle this issue (avoiding homework) in the future so that it doesn't come up again. He may surprise you with his input.

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Permalink Reply by Tonya on October 29, 2008 at 12:40pm

It's sounds to me that there is more to this than meets the eye. If he is normally a 'good boy' and this is out of character for him you need to find out what is going on. Is he being bullied? Is he having trouble with friends?

I think taking away his brithday is a little extreme for this incident. I probably would have taken away TV or computer privileges for a week, but a birthday happens only once a year and for me to take that away, he would have had to be caught stealing or doing something equally as serious.

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Permalink Reply by Misty on October 29, 2008 at 2:41pm

Well i have read the other replys and I too think that there might be something to his behavior! As for the birthday party, we as parents sometimes react before thinking. I can't say I would of taking his party away, it does come only once a yr and at 9yrs old they are EVERYTHING!! This is a tough one for you!! You might have to just admit to him that you were WRONG by doing that and perhaps ask him what he feels would be a fair punishment!

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Permalink Reply by barbara on October 29, 2008 at 3:25pm

Thanks to all of you who took the time out to respond.
My son and I did have a really great talk yesterday after school. He was very sorry that he had lied to me, I also let him know that I felt terrible about what happened. I asked him if there was a particular reason why he did not do his work was he confused, or upset about something else. He said that he just did not want to miss out on playtime with his friends. He said that he knew that I would have made him do his report, on top of his studying and now that it is getting darker sooner he would not have a chance to play. You see we recently moved to a great new community, there are tons of kids his age and he has made so many friends, who call on him daily to play. We did not have this in our old community it was near a major road and mostly elderly people. So this is still fairly new to him. So I told him that during the school weeks that he has homework and can not play we will do something extra special on the weekends with his friends, like go to a movie or have a game night or do a mini carnival in the yard.
Needless to say there was no play time yesterday, he had to do his book report, and he did a great job! However I have decided not to do the birthday party. I gave this alot of thought, and if it had been because he was having troubles with the assignment, or being bullied, maybe I would have. But the facts are he lied to me repeatedly, and used a tone with me that was unacceptable. I did not yell at him when i had discovered his lies, I tried talking to him, he started with the attitude, and yelling.( I would also like to say I did not grab the invites i took them) I was very calm throughout the whole ordeal. Any way we disscussed it and we are going to have just family over to celebrate and he agreed that it was acceptable. He also said that this was a lesson he would never forget! I want him to know that his education is important, and that telling lies leads to nothing but trouble, and that there are consequences for his actions.
Oh and no worries I am not going to ever take christmas away!!!LOL

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Permalink Reply by Misty on October 29, 2008 at 3:41pm

Good to know ya'l had a talk and all is well at school!!! It makes perfect since now that you mentioned the recent move and new friends!! But I am with you.....you did the right thing! I have a 14yr old son and the attitude gets worse if you allow it!! I'm a softy and he has me pegged!!

barbara said:

Thanks to all of you who took the time out to respond.
My son and I did have a really great talk yesterday after school. He was very sorry that he had lied to me, I also let him know that I felt terrible about what happened. I asked him if there was a particular reason why he did not do his work was he confused, or upset about something else. He said that he just did not want to miss out on playtime with his friends. He said that he knew that I would have made him do his report, on top of his studying and now that it is getting darker sooner he would not have a chance to play. You see we recently moved to a great new community, there are tons of kids his age and he has made so many friends, who call on him daily to play. We did not have this in our old community it was near a major road and mostly elderly people. So this is still fairly new to him. So I told him that during the school weeks that he has homework and can not play we will do something extra special on the weekends with his friends, like go to a movie or have a game night or do a mini carnival in the yard.
Needless to say there was no play time yesterday, he had to do his book report, and he did a great job! However I have decided not to do the birthday party. I gave this alot of thought, and if it had been because he was having troubles with the assignment, or being bullied, maybe I would have. But the facts are he lied to me repeatedly, and used a tone with me that was unacceptable. I did not yell at him when i had discovered his lies, I tried talking to him, he started with the attitude, and yelling.( I would also like to say I did not grab the invites i took them) I was very calm throughout the whole ordeal. Any way we disscussed it and we are going to have just family over to celebrate and he agreed that it was acceptable. He also said that this was a lesson he would never forget! I want him to know that his education is important, and that telling lies leads to nothing but trouble, and that there are consequences for his actions.
Oh and no worries I am not going to ever take christmas away!!!LOL

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Permalink Reply by Amy on October 29, 2008 at 4:04pm

I am glad you stuck to your guns and cancelled the party-that told your son his behavior was not appropriate. Now is the time to discipline, this will stick with him when he gets older-the right and wrong.

Good job!!!!! I am so glad you were able to talk to your son-that is huge keeping the communication lines open!!!!!!

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Permalink Reply by Toni on October 29, 2008 at 4:52pm

I don't think it was wrong. When you make a decision on diciplin you have to stick to it or they know they can get away with it. I can tell you that I have a 12 year old who had started doing the same thing about the same age. I have always pushed working hard in school and he knew even at 9 that he would be going to college. I went crazy, talking to teachers daily, going thru this bag, going to the school, making him sit at the table from the time he came home until bed time. He just found new ways to hide it or just didn't care anymore. What I found myself doing was trying to help him finish his late work so he could get it made up. I finally quit doing that and let him deal with the consequences at school such as no recess and lunch detention. for what ever reason they don't like to disappoint their teachers more then us. go figure. He finally straightened up in middle school. it is just a phase. don't let up. I had taken everthing away from him at one point. he got to sleep, eat and read. He now understands how important it is to keep up on homework. good luck and stay strong. as long as you keep up with the morals you teach he will figure it out eventually.

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Permalink Reply by Terry Elliott on December 17, 2008 at 6:46pm

Karen Putz said:

It sounds like something else is going on with your son... .
A birthday is a celebration of a special time, I think that it might have been a little harsh. There are other things to take away, perhaps TV or increasing his chores, but the most important thing is to get to the root of what's causing your son to feel he must lie and hide his work. If you want to reinstate the birthday party, you can explain that you've had time to think it over and realize that you want to work this out together. Ask your son for some suggestions on ways that he could tackle this issue (avoiding homework) in the future so that it doesn't come up again. He may surprise you with his input.

I agree with this! I also had a lot of trouble with my son at this age and it went back to things going on at the school - peers & teacher problems. I also think you should re-instate the party, Karen's sit down & talk it out sounds like a good way to do it without losing the discipline edge. Good luck!

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Permalink Reply by Bayleesmommy on December 21, 2008 at 3:50pm

Oh no! I think you are like the most awesome mom in the world for standing up to your child and letting him know that lying is wrong. And SERIOUSLY people....you never tried to pull one over on your parents???? Oh I did....and my momma put me in my place....and it didn't stop forever, I still tried it, but as young adult I KNEW honesty was the best policy. Kids push the envelope, it's what they do, there is nothing wrong with your child. You were ABSOLUTELY right for taking his invites out of his bag! I would've felt bad too, but it was the right thing to do. :) Again...there is NOTHING wrong with your child and you did the right thing!

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Permalink Reply by Krista Pusch on December 23, 2008 at 12:48pm

I believe you were not wrong by any means on cancelling his birthday but I would also make sure there is a family party with just you your husband and if u have other children them also but friends should be a big no no

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