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I Cancelled His Birthday Party!! Was I wrong?
So my nine year old son came home yesterday, and went to his room, I was distracted by my seven year old trying to tell me all about his day, and my two year old also wanting my attention. Anyway I asked him for his agenda, and told him to start his homework/studying. He told me that he had none. His agenda was not in his bag, I started to do home reading with my other son, when Nico's(9 year old) friend called to ask him for some help on his homework. I asked Nico why his friend had homework and he did not, he again stated that he finished his work in class. This is something that I hear alot, and did ask his teacher about, and she confirmed that he does complete his work during the day,he is a good student. Anyway today when I put his lunch in his bag, there was his agenda, and his religion homework! He lied to me he did have homework! Also when I looked in his agenda it said book report due tommorow!! They read a book every month and do a book report every month I asked him about it at the beggining of the month and he had told me that thy were not doing a report this month because, thier teacher was taking a leave of absence, and they were getting a new teacher.(this is true) When faced with the note in his agenda he admitted that he had known about the report since the 10th! (I know this is getting long but i am just breaking down his web of lies! bear with me!) Oh and he admitted that he went to his room first because he was hiding his agenda, and homework! I was so upset that he lied to me, and told him he was grounded! Well he procceeded to scream at me and got really rude with me when i told him that I would not sign his agenda, and that he could explain to his teacher why! Now this is not my kid, he is a very well behaved boy and though he has seem to have gotten a bit of an attitude lately, this behavior pissed me off so I took the birthday invites out of his bag and told him there would be no party! Needless to say this did not go over well.
I felt horrible after, but I can not take it back! I want my sons to succeed in school, in life! Was I to harsh?
I felt horrible after, but I can not take it back! I want my sons to succeed in school, in life! Was I to harsh?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Wonder Pets on -
I also agree! I think you should take something else away besides his birthday party that has probably been planned for a while...
Terry Elliott said:Karen Putz said:It sounds like something else is going on with your son... .
A birthday is a celebration of a special time, I think that it might have been a little harsh. There are other things to take away, perhaps TV or increasing his chores, but the most important thing is to get to the root of what's causing your son to feel he must lie and hide his work. If you want to reinstate the birthday party, you can explain that you've had time to think it over and realize that you want to work this out together. Ask your son for some suggestions on ways that he could tackle this issue (avoiding homework) in the future so that it doesn't come up again. He may surprise you with his input.
I agree with this! I also had a lot of trouble with my son at this age and it went back to things going on at the school - peers & teacher problems. I also think you should re-instate the party, Karen's sit down & talk it out sounds like a good way to do it without losing the discipline edge. Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by PJH on -
I think you can take it back, despite what conventional wisdom says. You can say, "Son, I have thought about it and birthday parties are off limits when it comes to disciplinary confiscation. Instead I am going to take blank away from you.
You will be punished, but in a different way than I originally decided. The other lesson I want you to learn is that sometimes we go away and calm down from being upset and decide on another course of action. I have decided I wanted to take away blank...instead of your birthday party." Birthday parties. even humble ones w/ just jello and a cup cake and candle are an Inalienable right of childhood. I say don't do it.
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Permalink Reply by Yvonne on -
I know it is hard to raise several boys together, as I raised 4 boys and one girl. as a single parent , working and trying to give equal time to All my children it can be overwhelming. However, it is not uncommon for the Oldest child be it boy or girl to get lost in the Mix, the results are the same when it comes to sibling rivalry and everyone wanting themselves to be the center of attention. The only advice I can give is to do the best that you can and when it gets overwhelming step back, take a DEEP breath, count to 10, you get the jist of what I mean, and re-group!!! Yes, your decision to take away his B'day Party might have been to harsh however, as you said "you can not take it back". You can still rectify thestrain that now exists between you by pulling him aside, one on one and have a heart to heart talk about how and why things got out of hand. First, tell him that you are sorry for letting too many things grt everyone so confused and you understand that he has Always been a GOOD Student and you are sure that he will be again. Then you say, let's try to start over and work harder at communicating with each other from now on so that things will get somewhat back to normal.Then after a while maybe you can bring up the subject of a Belated Birthday Party, after the trust between you has been re-connected.
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Permalink Reply by Mina Sirkin on
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Yes.
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Permalink Reply by Marika on -
Excellent that you took the time to talk it over when you were both calmed down. Sometimes you can get some of the best discussions going a little after the fact. It is never easy to know the best course of action in the middle of the problem. Who doesn't make mistakes? (not saying that you did--perhaps taking away the party was the right choice for you and your child) Raising kids is a learning process--no matter how many kids you have, you learn things with the first and every one thereafter. Success comes in always trying to do the best you personally can do.
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Permalink Reply by Sandy Stevens on
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I understand your feelings and as Suzanne Eller put it, "the heat of the moment". It is very hard sometimes to controll those emotions, especially when you have been lied to.
You say that your Son is a good student and has always done his work in the past. This concerns me that all of a sudden he has shirked his responsibility and lied to you. You really need to keep the lines of communication open with your children. There are times when they will be confused. worried, scared, or something is happening in their life that you don't know about. They need to know that they can confide in you without being criticized, feeling uncomfortable or being put on the spot.
You need to talk to your Son and let him know that NO one is perfect, that you were hurt and upset by his lie to you. Start over and find out what it is that is bothering your Son and keep your eyes and mind open.
Good luck.
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