Am I Enabling My Teen to Become a Lazy, Unmotivated Slob?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by shelley baldwin on February 26, 2009 at 9:43am

I dont think your teaching them to be lazy, but i do think you are depriving (may to strong of a word but the only one i could think of) them of being taught how to help them selfs, I grew up doing chores, laundry, cooking, trash that kind of stuff i think it helped me be a more responsible young adult. It in my opion also gives you a sens of acomplishment to have done something and see the great results. In a few years they are going to want more indipendece and they should learn responsiblity as well when they move out they should have the basic skills to take care of them selfs.
You are not messing up its parenting you do what you can with what you can. Heres a small idea, make there breakfast in beds and rooms being clean treats they will apprciate them so much more because they will know what work has gone in to it. good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Momatron5000 on February 27, 2009 at 1:05pm

Let me paint you a picture.

When I was 13 (and 15), I woke up at 5:30 each morning to do my chores. I went to school, came home, did more chores, did my homework, cleaned up the kitchen, went to bed.

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Now, granted, I lived in a group home for a long time. 12 girls=giant messes. My houseparents were not willing to pick up the slack.

BUT

We were nurtured. We went on trips, read books together, and when all of the kids were younger we played kickball, tag, etc. I was VERY close to my hp's.

When I graduated and aged out, I knew how to cook, clean, change my oil, and balance a checkbook.

And THAT is the very best thing you can do for your girls. Foster independence, not breakfast in bed.

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Permalink Reply by QuiteAParent™ on March 1, 2009 at 1:14am

Momatron,

I .... I ... I just can't speak behind this.

** bowing in your presence**

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Permalink Reply by Jeanie on March 1, 2009 at 11:53am

Connecting with your girls on the weekend is great but wouldn't it be more fun to go to the library or the river, beach or some form of connection(I don't mean shopping either, that fits into the spoiling catagory). Showing them your love by helping them clean up is good at times, I do it when my daughter is so busy with sports and school she can't find the time to always fold her clothes, this is after she has washed and dried them. I think knowing when to help is important, your girls need to feel the accomplishment of doing for themselves, it aids in self esteem. So if they don't do anything themselves then it really is not healthy.

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Permalink Reply by MamaBates on March 2, 2009 at 4:12pm

JackieMac said:

I don't know why this made me laugh so much. I think it's the vision of you hustling around catering to them while they lounge around.

Are there some things they're responsible for? I mean, I think each of our families are so totally different but there are always things one family does where another doesn't.

I grew up having to do chores and plan to have my kids at least do some things around the house... but my biggest question is, can I come live with you?

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Permalink Reply by MamaBates on March 2, 2009 at 4:12pm

Of course you can come live with us! Anytime!

MamaBates said:

JackieMac said:

I don't know why this made me laugh so much. I think it's the vision of you hustling around catering to them while they lounge around.

Are there some things they're responsible for? I mean, I think each of our families are so totally different but there are always things one family does where another doesn't.

I grew up having to do chores and plan to have my kids at least do some things around the house... but my biggest question is, can I come live with you?

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Permalink Reply by MamaBates on March 2, 2009 at 4:14pm

Thank you for your comment...you've helped me to realize I do need to instill more responsibility in them. I'm going to teach them how to do the laundry tonight!

Tonya said:

As mother's we want so much to give our children everything, to make sure they are happy and feel loved at every waking moment but we also need to teach them responsibility. It's a big word that has been thrown around a lot at my house recently with our teenage son. If I were to do everything for him would I be raising him to be responsible adult, who is able to look after himself once he goes to college or leaves the nest? I don't think so. So he has to take care of our dog, once a week he cooks breakfast for the family (eggs, toast, bacon etc), he babysits his siblings occasionally and it is his responsibility to keep his bedroom tidy. Just this week he asked me to teach him how to do laundry. I think it's equally important to do nice things for your children such as taking them breakfast in bed as it is to show them how to load the dishwasher or put on a load of laundry. Otherwise you may find that they will be bringing their laundry home on weekends and you will be hiring a maid or cleaning 2 houses every weekend once they leave home.

I had images of the show Privileged running around in my head as I was reading this post :)

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Permalink Reply by MamaBates on March 2, 2009 at 4:15pm

You've made a great point! Thank you!

Jeanie said:

Connecting with your girls on the weekend is great but wouldn't it be more fun to go to the library or the river, beach or some form of connection(I don't mean shopping either, that fits into the spoiling catagory). Showing them your love by helping them clean up is good at times, I do it when my daughter is so busy with sports and school she can't find the time to always fold her clothes, this is after she has washed and dried them. I think knowing when to help is important, your girls need to feel the accomplishment of doing for themselves, it aids in self esteem. So if they don't do anything themselves then it really is not healthy.

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Permalink Reply by MamaBates on March 2, 2009 at 4:16pm

wow. Point well made!

Momatron5000 said:

Let me paint you a picture.

When I was 13 (and 15), I woke up at 5:30 each morning to do my chores. I went to school, came home, did more chores, did my homework, cleaned up the kitchen, went to bed.

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Now, granted, I lived in a group home for a long time. 12 girls=giant messes. My houseparents were not willing to pick up the slack.

BUT

We were nurtured. We went on trips, read books together, and when all of the kids were younger we played kickball, tag, etc. I was VERY close to my hp's.

When I graduated and aged out, I knew how to cook, clean, change my oil, and balance a checkbook.

And THAT is the very best thing you can do for your girls. Foster independence, not breakfast in bed.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by MamaBates on March 2, 2009 at 4:17pm

thanks Shelley!

shelley baldwin said:

I dont think your teaching them to be lazy, but i do think you are depriving (may to strong of a word but the only one i could think of) them of being taught how to help them selfs, I grew up doing chores, laundry, cooking, trash that kind of stuff i think it helped me be a more responsible young adult. It in my opion also gives you a sens of acomplishment to have done something and see the great results. In a few years they are going to want more indipendece and they should learn responsiblity as well when they move out they should have the basic skills to take care of them selfs.
You are not messing up its parenting you do what you can with what you can. Heres a small idea, make there breakfast in beds and rooms being clean treats they will apprciate them so much more because they will know what work has gone in to it. good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Robbin on March 3, 2009 at 10:58am

It is one thing to want to do nice things for your children and provide them with things that bring them joy. What you are describing is a form of neglect. You in fact are not teaching them how to become productive women in the most important classroom they have which is their home. I would encourage you to not make decisions for them based on your own guilt. That is very selfish and you do not sound like a selfish person. These kinds of actions teach your children that they have a right of entitlement and that they can in fact get something for nothing. How will they learn cause and effect if you are constantly the clean up crew? How will they understand that you get out what you put in if you are always making deposits for them? What kind of women will they be? Will they be demanding and selfish? Will they understand a good work ethic? Will they if they choose be a good wife and/or mother? What kind of friend will they be? Your actions are robbing them of vital life skills that will only set them up fro certain failure as women. They should know by now how to manage their surroundings, they should be productive members of the family. If they cannot contribute on this small scale then how will they navigate life?

Why do you feel the need to earn their love and affection? What are you afraid will happen if you insist on being the Mom, their teacher, their greatest advisor?

If the mother bird did not push the babies out of the nest they would never learn to fly. You have not described an environment of success rather one of ultimate failure. Who is being babysat? They are a little old for that.

Create a household chore system that engages them to take care of their own things. Clean their room, make their bed, dump their trash and( you can teach them how to do their own laundry) keep their things picked up (daily). Make them earn privledges for other things. You must first do what is expected in order to earn what you desire.

You already know that you are headed for disaster or you would not have posted here.

I want to encourage you to change the lesson. We teach people how to treat us. Go back to the classroom and start a fresh lesson. You and your husband come up with a plan and solution then the two of you sit down with them and implement it. It will be emotional and difficult but this will be the most important thing that you have ever done. By doing this and living it you will for the first time be giving your daughters wings to becoming women.

Grace,
Robbin

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Permalink Reply by Eileen Morel on March 21, 2009 at 3:23pm

That's a very hard call. YES, you are spoiling them and not helping them get ready for life. I know- I AM GUILTY as well. It's hard, but the possibilities are worse. My daughter is 18, and was KICKED out of her dorm for being a slob! IT'S BEEN HARD, but I brought it upon us both. Before it's too late, crack the whip! I allowed her to take advantage and not value simple sharing of chores at home. I hope this helps.
Eileen

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