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I have a three year old daughter and she's just as sweet as she can be. She just got into a stage where she says "No" to me when I tell her to do something. If I tell her she can't have something, she just screams to the top of her lungs or fall to the floor. I feel as if I have no control over her which sometimes bother me. She does listen to her daddy. I wish I had that kind of power. Please help!

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You do have that power, it's in your voice. Which would you respond better to her dad saying, Hey Ci Ci, come here and help me, please. or him using a sacchrin sweet "hone baby sugarpie, come here for a minuted would ya?" sounding like Olive Oil when he asks.

I felt the same way at that age. One mom told me it's terrible twos, terrifying threes and f'ing fours and fives. My youngest is going to be 5 in a few months. The best thing I learned was that it's okay to be angry about stuff and it's okay to tell your kids it's okay. She's at the age when she can make choices for herself and you as a parent have to give her an opportunity to make choices. At this point she's asserting choices anyway, instead of saying No, you can offer her 2 choices that aren't what she asked for but pretty close, like instead of candy you can offer a specific fruit and another specific vegetable. If it's something you have to say no to, say "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to say no because.... (and tell her why)" If she pushes ou tell her before she starts screaming, you have a choice you can accept my answer or you can go to your bedroom to cry.

As far as saying "no" back to you, this is where choices come in handy too but you have to also be polite when giving her an instruction. In a calm voice say "come here please" if you get a no, then you give her a choice, "you have a choice, you can come here or I can put you in time out for not following instructions" It's okay to use big words too, it builds vocabulary. Also use a calm but normal voice and don't raise your voice on the last word. Try it, say, "come here please" and listen to your voice, does it get softer or higher on that last word? Imagine you're offering a guest something to drink, say "Would you like a drink?" hear the change in your voice? It's that change in your voice that gives her a clue that she doesn't have to follow instructions. So you don't raise your voice on that last word, ever and use your manners, say PLEASE before the instruction. Then if she balks, you can say, "you have a choice, you can....(what ever you told her to do) or I can put you in time out." However, when she gets into time out, and her time is up you ask her if she's ready to do what ever you told her to do...so don't do it yourself. If she says no, then she stays in the chair until she's ready to do what ever you told her to do. Keep asking her every minute if she's ready to... and keep repeating the exact instruction. It's a long drawn out process but eventually she will understand. This way she can still say no but she understands that some things aren't worth saying no over. You can also spank as long as she still does what ever you told her to do. (This depends on state laws though, here in Oklahoma they still allow it as long as it's outside of clothing and doesn't involve anything other than hand to hiney)

Once she complies you have to say "Thank you for minding me" as a reward. She needs that, to know her cooperation is valued above everything else.

I get this from a clinical therapist so it's a good tool to use. It's been around forever too. Didn't you know there was an implied "follow instructions or get a whoopin' " or face punishment logic as a child? Somehow our kids weren't born with this logic so we have to teach them. I know how I was taught. My grandma said she had a little round hand which would spat a little girl hand or hiney if I didn't follow instructions. Lol, How did I lose that skill in between the oldest and the 2nd who was born 12 years later? I don't know.
No worries. My child is the SAME way. She started what your daughter is doing a little bit earlier, but all kids are different...you have the terrible twos, terrific threes, and when that's all over you'll have back talking and some other strange phase that will have you pulling your hair out. Some parents never have these issues and I say they are lucky. I don't think it has anything to do with you.....kids have been throwing fits and doing these things for years. My daughter also listens to her daddy more than me. I think it's because I stay home and he works a lot so when he is home he has more time to be consistant...that and she may be more afraid of his deeper voice and disappointing look than mine. Just be consistant with your discipline. Whether you are a time-out mom or a spanking mom, just be consistant and choose your battles with these little ones. Best of luck! ;)
I have to laugh because not to long ago my Frankie and I were at this place. All I can say is that it will soon pass. I now look at is as a way of my daughter expressing her independence. I always thought, I'd lose my mind but I didn't and now that she understands that I'm in charge, life is somewhat easier.
I have a granddaughter who exhibited that same kind of behavior since she was one. When she threw things and she did that
at least twenty times a day, If i ignored her she would just stop and laugh. She often would cry and throw herself on the floor.
That was tougher than the throwing aspect because she would hit her head on the floor on purpose. We found that she would stop eventually. It is painful to watch and frustrating. She is almost three (in May). By the time she was 2 she stopped the floor routine. Thank God.
However she still says "No" to just about everything that is suggested to her, including eating. I am her grandmother and most of the time with me, she will comply and happily to my suggestions, such as eating time, time to get dressed, time for a bath, time to get in the car (except she wants to buckle her own car seat up everytime now).
I would like to suggest that you try to let your child control some of the decision making. Just take baby steps in letting her have a little freedom of choice. This is how they learn to find their identity in this world. And secondly when your child has fits try not to exacerbate it by showing disgust or anger of any sort. Because the disgust shows the child that he or she is a bad person and should be punished. When all along what is needed is an opportunity for the child to assess the situation. Even though your child cant put into words she may be wondering why she is so frustrated. (If they can swim as infants they can wonder why as infants).
Believe me when they are little they can become very frustrated, because they don't understand so many things and their little minds are trying to learn so much in such little time.
They need to be given allot of time to assess and allot of patience. This is how they learn about themselves and the world around them. This is how they develop their personalities. Just remember to give her time to learn. And give her time to grow.
I hope I was able to help you.
Alicia
You do have that kind of power. Your stern, but calm tone of voice and the no-nonsense look on your face will show her that. But consistency is the key. This method may work for you: The first time my son tried to throw a tantrum (around age 2 1/2), my husband promptly stood our son back onto his feet and said "we don't throw ourselves down like that when we want something. Now stand up and let's discuss this." Then we explained why he could not have what he wanted at the moment, and offered an alternative. The second time he tried, I followed suit and did the same. There have been no tantrums ever since, and he's now 6 years old. When my daughter tried a throw-down tantrum at 16 months, we did the same thing and haven't seen her do it since. The main thing was that after we stood them to their feet, we always allowed time to listen to them and either negotiated a different but equally satisfying deal to what they wanted if they couldn't have their desired choice or offered a diversionary activity. For example, no chips before dinner, but you may have a piece of fruit instead. Or, don't pull the leaves on the plant, but you may color on a piece of paper instead. I think kids just need to know that you understand that they have needs and wants too, even if they can't always get exactly what they want. By the way, this same method has worked for other kids I sometimes take care of, not just my own. But the key is for you to be consistent and be as patient as you can with this phase until the tantrums die out. All the best.
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