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I need some help here. My husband and I have been happily married for quite some time now, but he is my 2nd husband. I have 3 children already but he and I do not have any together. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, who is now 4, my ex and I had just began divorce proceedings and I decided to get my tubes tied and be done having children. I thought three was enough.

All of this time, my husband has told me he doesn't want to have any more children, then last night, he drops this bomb shell that he wants ANOTHER BABY! OMG!!!

I thought I was almost out of the woods. Our youngest is about to start school and we are almost to the point where they are all old enough to do fun things - i.e. family vacations that don't necessarily involve cartoon characters. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a baby with him. The problem is 1) I am moving up quickly in my career and don't really have time to raise a baby right now, 2) I would have to go through either fertility treatments or have a reversal to even make an effort to get pregnant - we're trying to save to buy our dream home - not sure I want to drop $15K on fertility drugs, and 3) My kids are 10, 6, and 4 now and the idea of more sleepless nights, diapers, etc., just doesn't appeal to me right now.

Am I overly selfish for thinking about denying him a chance to have a biological child? I am just a frustrated mess of emotions and I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be greatly and I mean GREATLY appreciated. How do I tell the love of my life I don't want him to knock me up?

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I think this is the time to really sit down and talk about this and keep talking.

If it were me, I would say, "honey, I know that a baby for us would be beautiful and very special but you're asking me to undergo some very painful procedures to make this possible. Our insurance won't cover it. Our finances would but they would put off some of our financial goals. Plus there would be an increase in financial burden on both of us during my maternity leave because I would not get paid for all of it and we would have to pay for my insurance premiums while I was on leave. Let's crunch the numbers and see when this would be fiscally possible."

Then you lay out all the plans you have made, the expenses and see if he still feels like it's worth it. Like would he give up his new car/truck and get a cheaper one in order to lower payments and insurance costs to cover the expense. Keep at it, the truth is you would be making some big concessions to do this and he has to pony up on his side too.
Oh Debby,
If you only knew the half of this whole story. My insurance WILL cover it, I would get PAID for my maternity leave, and the financial burden - well it would just be another little bundle to spoil rotten. Unfortunately the "well you may have to get a smaller truck" thing won't work, because he's a home builder and his truck is a company truck...he has to have a big one and his company pays for it.
I tried to dodge him all weekend about it and he just will not let this go. I still have time. I just don't want to have to go through the agony if I am unable to get pregnant again. I am pretty sure my surgeon snipped, shortened, and then burned my tubes...thank you so much for your help!!

~*Hugs*~
Courtney
Wow, you are in awesome shape then. Perhaps you could find a surrogate, or suggest that he wait until he can carry the baby.

Courtney said:
Oh Debby,
If you only knew the half of this whole story. My insurance WILL cover it, I would get PAID for my maternity leave, and the financial burden - well it would just be another little bundle to spoil rotten. Unfortunately the "well you may have to get a smaller truck" thing won't work, because he's a home builder and his truck is a company truck...he has to have a big one and his company pays for it.
I tried to dodge him all weekend about it and he just will not let this go. I still have time. I just don't want to have to go through the agony if I am unable to get pregnant again. I am pretty sure my surgeon snipped, shortened, and then burned my tubes...thank you so much for your help!!

~*Hugs*~
Courtney
That is funny. I actually talked to him about it last night because I called my Obgyn and asked him what all he did. He said the kind of tubal he does is permanent and that they could not be reversed. Then he told me we'd be looking at about $25,000 in fertility treatments and in vitro...the good thing is, we made an offer on our dream home and they accepted it yesterday. When he saw how much we were going to be spending on our house, he was okay with the baby thing. It is not something we have to do right this minute, so I think that telling him we needed to wait a while and just see how things went, he understood. Had I only known that he would come into my life, I probably never would have had the surgery...but when you're pregnant, alone, and going through an awful divorce, you can't always see the long term. Thank you Debby!
You could always get a puppy....
LOL That is very true!!
So, the two of you had talked of all of this before you got married, right? It seems that he changed his mind after the fact and I think that may be a little selfish of him. You have three children and you have gone through all of the diaper duty and late night feedings and such, and NO...you are not being selfish for not wanting to go through all of that. To have three children and put all of them through college is not exactly an easy feat.

As for how to tell the love of your life that you do not want to be knocked up again....you just say it. Think of it this way...you have confided to all of us strangers how you feel....tell the man you love!
Thanks Julia. Jarod and I have talked about it and he is fine with us keeping it the 5 of us. We just discussed all of the pros and cons...I guess somewhere in my heart I have always felt guilty because I feel like I am causing Jarod to throw away his chance of having biological children. He loves all 3 of the kids as if they were his own flesh and blood and it could just be that since his brother recently married and they've had two kids he wants a taste of what it is like to have a new baby. Either way, we have discussed it and we are on the same page.

Thanks for your comment.

Courtney
I think you you really have to stand your grand and go with your gut on this. Having a child is not something you can or should ever do for someone else, as you know. Being a parent is tough and it has to be something you want and desire....
Wow! Well, did you tell your current husband that you had your tubes tide prior to marrying him? Perhaps he would understand the decision you made prior to your relationship with him. I'm with you, three is enough, I have two and was happy and blessed with that. I wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Kimberly
Kimberly,
Jarod has known about my tubes being tied from the very get go of our relationship and up until recently, he thought three was enough as well...I think he's over it now though, since we talked...we will see...
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