He's either cheating or he's not...
So here's my dilema. I've been with this guy for three years. I love him. When we met the two of us were carefree and inseperable. Since then we have gotten engaged and had a beautiful baby boy. Still going ok. Its been maybe three months now that everything is different. His neice started living with us which caused some stress. She's sixteen years old. But besides that he seems diffenent. Distant really. I want so badly to fix us. We argue a lot over stupid things that are not important at all. So I started seeing a counselor to deal with some of my issues. Mostly I'm frustrated with him because he still wants to be a kid. He wants to go out and party instead of have responsibilities and a family. I miss being able to do whatever I wanted to all the time but I have to be adult enough for everyone so its making me a b*t*h. I know that I'm not stupid. But then I started feeling very disconnected with him and I thought it was just all the fighting. Then one day I did something I said that I would never do. I checked his phone and his email. This wasnt out of left field though. I dont want it to seem like I'm one of those crazy girlfriends. One night he took my phone with him when he went out. When he got home he had tried to delete all the messages he got. The thing about my phone is it saves everything you send or even write and dont send. There was a message that clearly stated he wanted to have sex with this girl. I asked what it was about and he said someone else had sent it to this random girl they met. For one I knew the number. Its a girl he works with. For two when I checked his email he had been sending that kind of message to her and to other girls. Hinting at the fact that we weren't together anymore. I've asked him about all of this and he makes excuses or denies it. I haven't come out and said I checked his messages because I know him and he will turn it around on me. He's really good at that. I've kind of hit a point where I'm ready to call it quits but I cant make myself leave. I've told him to leave before. About two weeks ago we got in a huge fight about the same stuff and I told him I was done. To get out. He packed all his stuff and went to see the baby. He came back to the bedroom where I was. He was crying, begging me to let him stay. I'd never seen him like that. I believed him when he said things would change. I said I couldnt keep living like this if it didnt. Two weeks later and I feel like we are already back there. I dont know what to do. I cant leave this man I love him way too much. I just need advice on how to start fixing us before there is no going back. I know it sounds dumb to love someone after everything he has put me through but he's been there and supported me through so much.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mark Reilly on -
Julie:
I'm sorry about your problems.It sounds like your boyfriend. isn't ready to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood yet as you now have another man in your life.Unfortunetly, that ship has already sailed and you will have to make a decision about him staying or going.How is he with the baby?.Does he consider your son to be a nuisance or is there genuine love for him? If he has a positive relationship, it may be worth working out any issues you have.Also, fighting is rarely about'stupid things' Those things symbolize the behavior our partners have that most irrtitate us,so you may wish to examine what it is you don't like about him.Also, avoid snooping and don't mention checking phones and email (but I think he already knows you have done this).Trust is a two way street and once lost is hard to get back. Anyway, I hope things work out for the three of you.
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Permalink Reply by Crystall Reder on -
Standing your ground will only make him respect you more. He knows what he is doing and he knows it is wrong. I would make him make a decision: life with you and your son....or another life without you. I know you love this man, but you HAVE to stand up for yourself. I heard a quote way back when I was single and running into men like yours.... "Stand for nothing and you will fall for anything". No one will stick up for you and how you should be treated more than yourself. And really, it only matters when YOU do it. So, stand up to him, make him be the right man for you. You have nothing to lose. You are already unhappy. But, trust me, it is better to do it now than later. It will be harder on you and your child if he continues this charade.
BTW...I was in this situation about 10 years ago. Please put yourself as being someone worth better than his treatment of you. Then, if he chooses to make the change, great...but if not, you and your child are better with the truth being out and you being without him romantically. It hurts, but you deserve someone who is honest and who loves you.
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Permalink Reply by JAYE on -
You know he's cheating. You know when as well. The first sign of unfaithfulness is when the guy changes. He becomes irritable, everything bothers him. This is because of guilt. He got you preggers and has junked you with the baby, brought in the other one to tie your other foot, and can go out as free as a bird. If you didn't have the kids...why you could be out as well.
Now there's nothing for it. You have to withdraw your love so that he can't hurt you. He WILL leave you for whatever other female succumbs to him. If it is not the one at work it is Doris Openleg he met at a bar, or Slutina from cross so. It is a matter of time. there is nothing you can do to stop him.
Plan on where you go when you leave, and unless the niece is being very helpful, get rid of her. You have enough problems.
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Permalink Reply by Sandy on -
Wow. Your story is so close to what I went through with my daughter’s dad it’s almost scary. When I was a few months pregnant he started wanting to go out, party, and ‘hang out with the guys’. I figured it was something he needed to do to get it out of his system and he assured me that he would never do anything that I wouldn’t want him to do. One night he was supposed to be having some meeting for work and after they were supposed to go get some drinks. He didn’t come home until 4AM. After he fell asleep I heard his phone vibrating on the nightstand. So I looked to see who it was, it was some girl he worked with (who was also his best friends ex-girlfriend). I didn’t answer it but waited till it was done ringing and then went through the messages. I knew something was up because for no reason what so ever should some girl be calling you so early in the morning. I never brought it up to him, but I routinely checked his phone for messages and read about how he would make excuses with me about seeing the boys but really going to spend time with this chick. But once our daughter was born I figured he was over it, that he realized that we were more important. Fast-forward a few months, he was on the computer and then left, without closing the windows. And you guess it, I checked what he was doing. He had his myspace open, with messages to that girl, and other girls both new and from his past, saying how much he missed them and how terrible things were at home. All the while I thought everything was good with us, it wasn’t. He didn’t spend much time with our daughter and did nothing around the house but to these girls he played the victim and all they wanted to do was sace him…To make an incredibly long story short we are no longer together and we currently have joint custody.
If I was in your shoes I wouldn’t even try fixing things with him, because it doesn’t sound like he wants them fixed. The first few months after we broke up I didn’t know what to do with myself, but now I’m in a better relationship and I get the love and respect I deserve.
I hope that in whatever you do you make sure to put yourself and your son first.
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Permalink Reply by Megan on -
There are some things that just can't be fixed. It takes two to make it work and it doesn't seem like he's willing to do his end. You have to make the right decision not for you and your boyfriend but for your child as well. You don't want your child to be raised in an environment where's there's constant fighting and constant disrespect against you either. (Cheating is him disrespecting you and the relationship) If it were to happen once and he were to admit it without your questioning then maybe that can slide, but when its multiple times and he's using your phone as well, that's just complete disrespect to you...directly. The real question is: "what's your worth?" Do you deserve to be treated like crap or don't you and your child deserve better?
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Permalink Reply by JAYE on
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The last two posters are spot on. There is nothing to fix. It is over. You can not live as an old pair of shoes, hoping that one day he'll wear you. He has made his choice. His life is out there, not with you. Get out. Do it sensibly. First, get rid of the niece, get as much money in your name, this means not paying bills, and take your baby and leave. If you do it right, he won't even know you're gone for 24/48 hours.
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Permalink Reply by Hannah Anderson on -
I agree with everything that has been said here, but I also want to express my opinion.
Guys are never ready to grow up right away. And dont miss going out and doing whatever you wanted to do before you had your baby. Dont ever take your children for granted! They are the best gift you can ever get. Trust me, I am 19 years old, married and I just had surgery almost a month ago for an ectopic pregnancy. I would be 12 weeks pregnant right now and if there is one thing that I absolutely HATE is when people complain that they dont have time to do what they want anymore (I hated that even before we started trying to have a baby.)
With that said, I read a study that was out a long time ago (because I love reading studies, its my favorite past time) and they studied men that were doing this kind of thing; the possibly cheating. And the results were that they were afraid of commitment and they wanted to get all of their mischeif out of their systems before they got married. Another outcome was that they were acting out because they were unhappy with who they were with and wanted to experiment to see if there was another woman worth having a relationship with. And in most cases, they kept their current girlfriends/wives/whatever to make sure they had someone to come back to if other plans didn't work out.
I think the reason he was crying for you to let him stay was because of this exact reason, that and he really loves his child and doesn't want to loose him.
If I were you, I would take a test run on splitting. Take a couples weeks and see how he acts. If he is out partying and with random girls, then you know the real truth behind his motives. If he tries to call you and come home every day and TRUELY makes an effort to change, then let him move back in but do it with a gaurded heart. But you need to lay down some ground rules. ONE night a week he can go out with the boys and have a guys poker night, or whatever they do, BESIDES going to the bars. And try to not let it be on a weekend, maybe a Tuesday or Wednesday would be best. Also, get a babysitter and once a month plan a date night for the both of you, it gets the old spark back and you two can see a movie, have dinner, etc. without the baby worrying you every second. And its best if a family member babysits, just so you dont feel guilty about late nights! And about the guys night, plan a girls night for you too! Get together with friends the same night he gets with his buds and just enjoy it. Maybe scrapbook, or rent a movie that you all have agree on. Dont try to buckle him down and make him stay at home all the time with you, its not healthy and if you were doing this before, it might have led him to acting out in the first place. You have to understand that even though you want to spend every moment with him, he doesn't. And that doesn't mean he isn't in love with you, its just a guy thing, they hate being smothered. Again, trust me, I had a hard time letting that one go...
I hope this helps you out and I hope things get better for you! You deserve the best, all women do!!! Dont waste your time on someone who is wasting their time with someone else. If things dont work out for you two, get out there and find someone worth while and deserves your love and companionship!!!
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Permalink Reply by Julie Morales on -
I just want to thank you for the advice and i completely agree. Last week, I believe the day I posted this discussion, we broke up. After five hours of being a single girl again and him being a bachelor he came home. His neice is moving out. She is rebelious and disrespectful and he decided it was hurting our family. He has been staying home with his son almost every night and I've been going out for a few hours here or there. The myspace account has also been deleted. I stopped checking email and phone messages. I have to trust him for this to work. Whether I snoop or not he can still be cheating. I didnt realize how much I missed my friends and how much I was sacrificing of myself. Anyone can say to leave that its not worth it but living it is much more difficult. This man has been through more with me than some of my family and friends but I'm important too. As is our son. We are working to save our family. Big changes have already began. Everyone doesnt have to believe that this is worth saving but I've been living it for years and what we have is something I would never want to lose. I really hope we're going to be ok.
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Permalink Reply by Sandy on
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I really hope that everything works for you and your family and that things continue to get better.
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Permalink Reply by Bec Thomas on -
Actually you do not have to trust him to make it work, that is often a mistake made that just leads to the relationship ending. You have to work through the issues of broken trust if you have any hope of it working out. That trust has to be earned back no matter how often people like to protest that is not the case.
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Permalink Reply by Margo Judge on -
I just happened to see this, Julie. I have a website called MomOpinion Matters www.momopinionmatters.com and an on-line book entitled-
H20 to Go! The first few installments might be good for you to read.(see titles at end of comment) Basically I say, once you have a child you no longer fly solo. What you decide to do will ultimately impact your child and you have the power to decide if it will be positive or negative.If in fact, "you can't leave this man because you love him too much" you are already in danger of impacting your child negatively, because your choices will be the wrong ones.
Your child's welfare comes first. Then yours, then your boyfriend's. That is the way mamahood goes. I know I am sounding tough and pulling the age and wisdom card on you, but you sound caring and intelligent but must now grow up and make emotionally mature choices. You cannot fix anything until you declare your own bottom lines. The best way to change him and to change you (Hint. When you ready to call it quits, he went into an emotional panic). But you are not out of danger of taking him back every time he promises something in the future, if, as you say, you "love him too much"! You must create a bottom line, Julie, and you must stick to it. Otherwise, you will never be in control of your life and you will be setting a terrible example for your child.
Once we become mamas we no longer fly solo. Our priorities become our child's well being and emotional health. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself--could you could give your boyfriend up if he were not being a loving, responsible, ethical and committed father and spouse? You need to answer that question BEFORE you set about fixing anything. It is NOT about him. This is YOUR moment of truth. Change comes from within first and travels out. You change and he will have to change. Either he will step up to the plate or he won't, but this is NOT about his love for you or your love for him. This is about respect for yourself, for mamahood, and love of your child. Those come first.
If you go onto my website www.momopinionmatters.com I have written an on-line book. The first few chapters apply to you. They are
Taking Stock
Discarding Disruptive Relationships
Collecting Good Memories
You sound like a terrific young lady. You will be a great mom if...and only if you can put a sign upon your heart that says--my child lives here. This is protected space. I will be the best person i can be for my child.
"I can't leave this man, I love him too much" will not, in the end, make you a good mom because your feelings for him will always come first. Dangerous for you, and for the well being of your child.
Love
Margo Judge
MomOpinion Matters
email: margo@momopinionmatters.com
www.momopinionmatters.com
Take good care.
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Permalink Reply by Lisa Moeller on -
You have 5 choices:
1. Leave.
2. Make him leave.
3. Lose your mind and your self-worth.
4. End it.
5. GET OUT NOW and get on with your life without this manipulating bastard.
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