I need all moms (and dads on here) for some serious help and advice

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Permalink Reply by Bayleesmommy on April 21, 2009 at 7:27pm

An extreme problem needs an extreme opinion.
You probably won't like what I have to say, and that's ok.....it's just the best way I've handled things in my life.....
I was a teacher so I've dealt first hand with ADHD, ODD students.
You need to home school her, for at least a year, just to see if it helps. I've had a lot of students whose parents have done this, and the ones who do it right, it has helped more than any drug I've ever seen. She needs extreme structure, set consequences for her defiant actions, and more love than anything. She probably feels really rejected because of her father, and by you because you married a great guy (it sounds like) and had a child with him and now she's jealous. You and your husband should take control of your family and your little girl. It's going to take a lot of work. I suggest not putting anything else on your plate, freeze time and fix the situation before it gets out of your control.
Read some Dr. Laura books, she saved my life and my family, but you need some tough skin to swallow what she has to say.

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Permalink Reply by Ashley79 on April 21, 2009 at 8:27pm

No you didn't offend me and anyway shape or form I am truly looking for help. You have some great suggestions. I will admit to being scared of the home schooling to be quite honest with you. The way I see it right now is that school is my one sanctuary from her during the day so I can re-charge and be ready for the next battle, as horrible as that sounds but it is my honest feelings.

Bayleesmommy said:

An extreme problem needs an extreme opinion.
You probably won't like what I have to say, and that's ok.....it's just the best way I've handled things in my life.....
I was a teacher so I've dealt first hand with ADHD, ODD students.
You need to home school her, for at least a year, just to see if it helps. I've had a lot of students whose parents have done this, and the ones who do it right, it has helped more than any drug I've ever seen. She needs extreme structure, set consequences for her defiant actions, and more love than anything. She probably feels really rejected because of her father, and by you because you married a great guy (it sounds like) and had a child with him and now she's jealous. You and your husband should take control of your family and your little girl. It's going to take a lot of work. I suggest not putting anything else on your plate, freeze time and fix the situation before it gets out of your control.
Read some Dr. Laura books, she saved my life and my family, but you need some tough skin to swallow what she has to say.

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Permalink Reply by Bayleesmommy on April 21, 2009 at 9:22pm

I can understand that.....you could try to keep her busy during the day to keep time for yourself....there are some great online tutoring schools, they can be costly, but worth it.....I teach for sylvan online and they have an hour block for math and an hour for reading. It's a 3:1 ratio classroom, but I know some programs can do better than that.
You can always enroll her in a performance arts school the other half of the day if you live in a bigger city. Some are still public so they are free and it's all hands on learning which can help her stay engaged.
I know one parent at a school I taught brought her child for math and reading only. It was an arrangement that was made with the Special Ed department, teacher, and the administrations, but you can talk with them and see.....
Either way.... if home schooling isn't for you, I wouldn't try it. It can be more harmful then helpful, not behavior wise but academically. Good Luck and keep me updated on what you decided to do.

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Permalink Reply by Kate on April 22, 2009 at 11:56am

It sounds like she is hurting and looking for attention. Maybe she feels rejected by her dad, mad that your husband has "replaced" her dad and worried you are going to leave her as well. Just remember she didn't ask for any of this either. And she is a child and children often think it's their fault their parents got divorced. Give her big hugs and try to catch her being good. And tell her you love her a lot! And then hug her again!

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Permalink Reply by barb on April 22, 2009 at 5:43pm

I know exactly how you feel. We started making a chart, with the help of the Day Treatment school my son goes to and the case worker from the county. By putting a chart with your expectations, and letting her earn ++, then at the end of the week, she can pick a "prize", whether it be a dollar store item, a special treat (ie: McDonald's, an icecream, etc), or something special she likes to do with you or your DH. Also, she will learn that if she doesn't comply with the chart, you will take away something she likes, or take away 15 minutes of tv or playtime, whatever works. Check with the mental health department of the county you live in and see what they can do for you. Also, check with the local chapter of ADHD in your area. Noone truly knows what you are going through until they have been there. I have found more times than not, that schools and their staff just don't want to be bothered. My son goes to a Mental Health Day treatment school, where they have 1 teacher and 3 aides in a classroom of 9 children. He is thriving so much better than in the regular schools. My son even felt that in 1st grade in regular school the teachers didn't like him or want him in their class - so what does that tell you. Best of luck to you, let me know how things go.

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Permalink Reply by Bec Thomas on April 22, 2009 at 9:00pm

What concerns me most out of all you said is that you have a "vicious" temper and that you have a "bad" case of verbal diarhhea which in my experience translates into you are verbally abusive. If that is the case can you really be surprised you daughter is acting out this way? Children don't act out for no reason, they usually reflect their home enviroment. Not only has your daughter been abandoned by her dad, her mother is verbally slapping her around because mom can't control herself. Maybe you should seek counseling for yourself and family with anger management classes tack on for your childrens sake.

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Permalink Reply by Artistasoyyo on April 22, 2009 at 11:05pm

Artistasoyyo said:

Hi Ashley, Read your message and I feel for you. It seems your daughter has some ASD also,( Autism Spectrum Disorder) My son is 13 and he is Autistic. He has a mind of his own and his favorit words are "I want!" or "I need it!" 8 is a tuff number on any child with special needs. Maybe I can give you an example of how I deal with my son when he has his tantrums. And they are very bad tantrums and this is always. I make a deal with him when he asks for something like a new movie (C.D.) or a toy, a game for his play station or Wii game. He has to show me he can behave by cleaning up his room (picking up his toys) and or listen to me and his teacher and do a good job at school. Then I give him a couple of choices...1) a road trip to any where he likes (or I like and I choose where thats more affordable) 2) Go out to eat at his favorit fast food like McDonald or Burger King. The road trips can be to a special store he likes (or I like) Wal-Mart, Dollar Store or Game Stop. Game Stop is a game store you can return used games and trade for other used ones. Its' the best place for these kids with the game boys and play-station. Don't have to spend a fortune on new games. These things can be a reward once a week, every 2 weeks or once a month. It all depends on your budget. I like to do it every two weeks.(thats pay day for us) He seems to enjoy this deal and looks forward for the reward and the trips. It's not 100% affective (but I'll take 40 to 70% any time) but it helps sometimes. And he needs to be reminded constantly. I have to keep it low key by not raising my voice with him cause he will react the same way. I like also to take time to play tickle with him to be closer and show my love to him. He loves it when we have tickle time. I'm thinking if your daughter can communicate and make choses. Maybe ask her to give you a list of 5 of her favorit things she likes and pick the 2 less inexpensive and work on gaining that reward. The dollar stores are a great place for inexpensive toys. Sometimes that would be one of my chose to take my boys on a road trip. But she has to gain it by following the rules and behave. One time I was upset with my son (13yr old with ASD) and he refuse to listen. So I took a garbage bag and put all his toys and games in it. He was very upset and scared I was going to throw his things away. Well, that changed quick for that moment. And he started to pick up his mess. I kept the garbage bag near by just in case. He did comply. He realized I was serious. But this is a battle every day with him. He is getting better but very slowly. It's very hard for me to go out with him most of the time. I try to do most of my errands during school hours to avoid any arguments or tantrums when we go out shopping. Don't know if it'll work for your little girl but maybe something might click and help you out. Also, my son is on medication but I give it to him at night cause it makes him sleepy. Plus I only give it to him when he really needs it. Try and count to 10 when you loose it and remember she is a sick little girl and she needs you as much as you need her.. No one else will be there for her. Love her, hug her and show her you care with alot of affection. She's reaching out to you. Remember chose your words wisely. She is learning from you and your actions. Good luck! And keep the faith!

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Permalink Reply by Debby on April 23, 2009 at 11:17am

I have a boy your daughter's age with both of the problems you daughter has. It's hard to hear them try to hurt you with words here are the steps I take:

In my head I live by these words
*Don't take anything personally
*Don't make assumptions
*Always tell the truth but only if it's absolutely necessary to say and NICE
*Do the best you can.

Keep telling yourself that.

When we kept seeing explosions, his therapist recommended a book, The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene, on tape from my local library. We had wonderful results from it during that summer BUT... if won't work well in the classroom. I
was then given a book by his principal, Step Training For Effective Parenting written when the principal was my elementary school counselor. It helped but there was one thing still missing. I was too hard on him and we weren't having any fun at all between the two of us.

The therapist put us in Parent Child Interaction Therapy. Check it out. It made a huge difference in my relationship with G-man.

I kept control of my temper, he got to see the nice side of me and we still do it today during homework time which gives us both great joy working together without a battle.

here's the first step:
http://debbysewninwesttulsa.blogspot.com/2007/06/parent-child-inter...

Then you can move on to the second step
http://debbysewninwesttulsa.blogspot.com/2007/06/pcit-parent-direct...

Let me tell you those time outs are effective because the child still has to do what you told them to do.

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Permalink Reply by Rayna on April 23, 2009 at 6:52pm

I believe that homeschooling a child with these types of disorders is the exact wrongthing to do. Many of these problems like ODD is social based. Why pull a kid from the best social setting (a school). I think to that working as I do in education I see parents reading so much into their children's disorder that they focus all of their energy on the kids disorder and not the kid. Sometimes the simplest things can be of help.

Structure is so important. Rely on your parenting skills first. I find that the best outcomes come from parents that quit 'stinkin' 'thinkin'. Attitude is something that is learned. Look at parenting and family and then look at all the other coping skills.

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Permalink Reply by heather manley on April 24, 2009 at 3:39pm

how is her diet? i have seen so many kids adapt better with everyday life with simple diet changes.

i would love to help!

www.drheathernd.com

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Permalink Reply by Ashley79 on April 24, 2009 at 5:30pm

I avoid all red and yellow dyes, sugar and chocolate are a VERY special treat in my home. I have also started to eliminate gluten as well....



heather manley said:

how is her diet? i have seen so many kids adapt better with everyday life with simple diet changes.

i would love to help!

www.drheathernd.com

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Permalink Reply by Maureen Salam on January 15, 2010 at 5:06am

Ashley,
I have a son who was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD. He'll be 10yrs old in Feb and is on meds. I want to start by saying your not alone. My son seems to be able to handle himself in school, at his father's while on a visitation, with my friends, etc. but when it comes to respecting me, it all goes out the window. If he doesn't get his way he pitches a fit, screams and crys. He thinks that I will give in but I never do. I have got, "I hate you", "You don't love me anymore", and many other mean and angry statements. On the flip side he told his therapist that he worries about me when he's with his dad. (the only time we're apart, except for school) With the help of his therapist we figured out that rather than take something away when he's bad, he earns his favorite things. We have a behavioral chart, there is a list of things that I expect from him on a daily basis. He gets so many points per "chore" per day. At the end of the week we total up his points to see what he has earned for the following week. Once earned you cannot take away, but they can not earn points for that day. For example 0-10pts. he only gets his DS for 30min after hw. 11-20pts. he gets the DS plus he gets family game nite and chooses the game etc. This way they have to learn what the "consequences of their actions" are. Hope this helps.
Maureen

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