Real Stories. Real Advice. Real Moms.
Mad at Dad?
This discussion was created after I wrote my "Mom and Dad 50/50?" post on TheMommyInsider.com. I thought it would be nice to read how other moms relate or don't relate to the post. Check out the post then link back here to share your story or thoughts.
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Do you love your husband to death, but get more angry at him than anyone else? It's sad but I do and according to the recent parenting.com article "Mad at Dad" about 40% of moms do to.
Do you get mad at your husband or child's father regularly? Is it about chores,help lack of help with the kids and what do you try to do about it?
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Do you love your husband to death, but get more angry at him than anyone else? It's sad but I do and according to the recent parenting.com article "Mad at Dad" about 40% of moms do to.
Do you get mad at your husband or child's father regularly? Is it about chores,
Tags: angry, anxiety, at, chores, dad, husband, mad, parents, relationship, stress
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Alicia Hagan on -
Hi Allison,
The Oatmeal story is so farmiliar as is the statement "You always see the negative and never the positive." Men and Women really are different as difficult as that is for me to accept. I just don't understand why they don't do whatever they can to help out the women they asked to marry them!?
It's hard not to rant when you have to remind, ask, and tell your husband (not yours specifically) to do something that he should do anyway.
Good luck!
Alicia
Allison Kosty said:I have actually asked many of the mom's this same question when they come into my shop, Calamari Baby and everyone does say the same thing. The husbands can keep the kids alive 'til you get home and that seems about it. No extras....Feeding the kids, but no cleaning the dishes. Playing with the kids, but no picking up the toys. This is just men and it gets frustrating.I am glad my husband is there to do the lazy daddy stuff that they do. I find that they days I decide not to let things bother me that are not that important I feel better. Pick your battles kind of thing for me.
If I walk in to a tornado of a house, a full sink of dishes, and I say couldn't you at least do the dishes for me. I get the response, "You always see the negative and never the positive." then he is mad and takes the dog for a walk. So now I say, "Great job getting the kids to eat their lunches honey. I'll get the toys off the floor if you do the dishes for me so I can get dinner started.
Then I thank him for doing the dishes.
As for stuff around the house I do what I can and constantly remind him of the other things.
When I get the most frustrated I think of the things I can rely on him to do like: got to the store at the drop of a hat for milk or whatever, or he works the shop when I need to stay home and get work done.
He is even the one who takes the drive back to grandma's even though it isn't far to get the priceless blankey we forgot without a groan. Yes, this task will take him like 4 times as long as me but this is because I am wanting to get back and do other things and this is his task at hand. I thank him for what he does do and the days he works on the honey do list is just extra. :)
In fact here is a specific thing that happened. Honey please go to the store and get some Oatmeal. I went into full detail about not the quick kind because we don't like them and the kids only eat the regular kind. He went to the store and bought one thing of quick oats and one thing of maple syrup flavored quick oats. I complained and he said I never said regular. I know I went into detail because I know my husband. So he got mad that I was mad instead of happy he bought any oats. The next morning no kids would eat it. They thought it was gross. I told him he had to eat it.
This type of thing happens a lot. If their is any kind of description after the task it is lost. They just turn off their ears. I know if I don't write it down I might as well not even say it.
Men just do not think like Women and do not act like women. We do well in a crunch and deal with multi tasking great men on the other hand cannot be watching the kids if they need to make a phone call. I mean the kids to them are a task and they cannot start anything else until you come home to end the first task. Just like I can get more done if he isn't home because then I know what my kids are up to. If I think he is watching them and I start working on the web site then I all of a sudden notice that scary silence and he is just watching TV. The kids are quietly covering each other in ink in the corner. That kind of thing anyway.
So as mush as I try to make my responses positive I still rant and rave plenty and I hate it.
Glad I got to rant a little here..
I know it will make me smile when I get home to the family.
Thanks
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Permalink Reply by Audrey on -
By the way.. my husband read that article. The sob story way it was written ticked him off! LOL He's like me... I feel women set themselves up for it and get themselves into victim mode instead of taking control. But he knows he's not guilty of what some of the dad's are that are mentioned in the article.
We both thought the percentages were nothing to really complain about.
So much of this stuff relates to how these men grew up and what they saw and either copy in their married life or go against for some reason. My husband's mother did EVERYTHING. Because of his childhood seeing that and feeling sorry for her, he doesn't want to see me like that. Another guy growing up that way might think that's the way to go- expect wife/mom to do it all in the home. Hmmm makes me wonder...before one marries a guy...should they ask the man his impression and opinion of his mother's life. I remember when my husband and I were dating.. how he spoke about his mom. He hated that she was expected to do it all. That said... I know many moms who do it all and love it and are only happy when they have that control. Yes it all boils down to communication that starts early on in the relationship.
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Permalink Reply by Judy on -
Ben Martin, THE FATHER LIFE said:Alicia Hagan said:Last week I asked him very nicely to please schedule our 9 year old's dentist appointment. I handed him the postcard with the dentist's phone number and and he looked very confused, like he didn't understand why he should call but he said "sure". I requested that he ask if they accept our insurance and before he called he assured me that his cleaning and x-rays would be covered. Just about 30 minutes ago my husband called me from the dentist office to tell me that they don't take our dental insurance and we had to pay full price. WHOA!
Based on that should I:
A) Not ask him to make appointments
B) Sit down with him and explain that he should consider insurance, etc in the future
C) Hold my frustration in and hope that next time I ask him to make an appointment, he will consider these things. This would be the least confrontational approach.
I pay the bills, deal with most home repair scheduling, run a business from home full time, take care of the kids, etc.. I thought asking him to make a phone call wouldn't be so bad, but is that something I shouldn't request?
What regular duties are reasonable to request help with?
The answer, of course, is "D." :-)
You've got to keep the ball in his court (sorry for the male-oriented sports analogy). You're facing a bigger problem than just scheduling now. You've got a dentist who doesn't take your insurance; obviously, that has to change. Put this problem in his hands. Play dumb if you have to. You'll want to work together on some of the details, but you need to let him be in charge of this task.
Overall, though, you're facing a larger issue. Responsibility for your household, from the kids to the bills to cleaning, needs to be shared. I'm not saying that you each need to do 50% of each task. What I am saying is that you both need to share the sense of ownership for the work of your family. It shouldn't be you knowing what needs to be done and telling him what his part is. It should be you both, together, knowing and deciding. You already know this, of course. But he doesn't, and you're not going to get him that point by giving him a list or nagging. You kneed to communicate to him that you need him to step up, and to do that, you've got to get his attention.
Set up a situation where you two can have some alone time--after the kids are in bed or, better yet, get the kids to grandma's house. No TV, no internet, no email, no Blackberry. Just the two of you. If you want to throw some dinner in there, go for it. Get his undivided attention. Then tell him, flat out, that you need him. You need his help. You have too much on your plate. You don't want to be the one in charge, telling him what to do. You need your man.
That should work. You'll have some sorting out to do, and you'll have to fight the urge to take charge as he tries out his new wings. But if doesn't respond to the heartfelt cries of the woman he loves--when that woman has his undivided attention--he's an idiot.
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Permalink Reply by Alicia Hagan on
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Audrey,
I'm glad your husband read the article.
Yes, women may set themselves up for this type of situation. If we don't take control of it ASAP the husband thinks that what he is doing or not doing is OK. I think women who have talked to their husbands about the fact that they are stressed and need help with everyday chores and responsibilities have a bit of a right to go into victim mode. However, if a women doesn't approach her husband about her worries then she isn't necessarily a victim.
Most women in the article discussed the issues with their husbands and it appears that the husbands, for one reason or another, choose not to either A) take her seriously or B) not care enough to help, which I think is unlikely. I'm afraid that a lot of women don't follow up with the discussion which will ultimately remind their husband how much they need help and after a few follow ups, maybe the husband will get it.
I've learned from this discussion that a lot of husbands simply forget about the conversation and keep going as usual. They need reminders and I guess we should be willing to provide them with reminders if that is going to help, right?
My husband was great before my now 2 year old was born. Things just got all wacky since she was born. We are busier than ever, which means I need more help than ever. I honestly don't recall if I had to ask my husband for help before my daughter was born, or if he helped without my asking. I don't think it mattered as much when we had one child. He has never helped as much as I would like, but accepted it before my daughter was born, maybe because we just had one child and consequently did not have nearly as much to do around the house, etc.
I would love to get more feedback from your husband!
Alicia
Audrey said:By the way.. my husband read that article. The sob story way it was written ticked him off! LOL He's like me... I feel women set themselves up for it and get themselves into victim mode instead of taking control. But he knows he's not guilty of what some of the dad's are that are mentioned in the article.
We both thought the percentages were nothing to really complain about.
So much of this stuff relates to how these men grew up and what they saw and either copy in their married life or go against for some reason. My husband's mother did EVERYTHING. Because of his childhood seeing that and feeling sorry for her, he doesn't want to see me like that. Another guy growing up that way might think that's the way to go- expect wife/mom to do it all in the home. Hmmm makes me wonder...before one marries a guy...should they ask the man his impression and opinion of his mother's life. I remember when my husband and I were dating.. how he spoke about his mom. He hated that she was expected to do it all. That said... I know many moms who do it all and love it and are only happy when they have that control. Yes it all boils down to communication that starts early on in the relationship.
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Permalink Reply by Rose Agua on
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wierdest marriage courtship ever award winner here
me yes
ok
apparently livable no
him? uh and 13 of my relatives maybe
miss miss miss him
acoma if it helps conversation injun if it doesn't mexican specifically hoy
finishing a 2 folder case file from the 4 th ring with whether anot usually hovering n e v e r the problem new way new to attentive mothering thats it would love friends of any kind any one remembe da r a a i n?
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Permalink Reply by M!kell on
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honestly i think its easiest to take out your frustrations on the person closest to you. I do take alot out on my husband when I am feeling tired/stressed/overwhelmed he is pretty good about just taking my little vent and moving on....but I am truly lucky he is super helpful around the house etc. he goes out of his way to lessen the weight on me. Yes he does have his "lazy" days but who doesn't?
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Permalink Reply by Alicia Hagan on
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I too am lucky in that my husband will vacuum, wipe down the kitchen counters, organize random drawers (?), and sweep the bathroom floors. He will even go to the grocery store if I make a list. Emptying the groceries is another story.
My issue is that I and other moms need help with the little things that keep the house, kids, and my sanity running smoothly.
For example:
**Notice when the kids laundry is ready to go to the laundry room and take it there (maybe even do the laundry?!)
**Clean the toilets, preferably the entire bathroom, but the toilets should be cleaned often.
**Empty the dishwasher
**Check homework
**Feed the kids a decent meal
**Bathe the kids
**Take 30 minutes to play with the kids (not video games)
**Make doctors appointments
**Help me clean out the car once in a while
These are things that I feel father's should help with and will help lessen moms' stress. My husband is really great at what he DOES do and I let him know that I appreciate what he does.
Alicia - Editor, TheMommyInsider.com
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Permalink Reply by Julia Wallace on -
I have to say....I do get angry with my husband but not about tasks around the house. He is great. He always asks me "Is there anything that I can do to help?" I never have to take out the trash, he always does that without asking. He and I have an understanding that whoever cooks, the other cleans up. He does not mind bathing our daughter if I am tired. We take turns with a lot. He hates to do laundry and I do not mind...but he will help do it. He cannot read my mind and there are times I may have to ask, "Can you do something for me?" and he is always happy to do it. I am very blessed, I know!
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Permalink Reply by Mark on
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I caught this article at salon.com and wanted to share my thoughts.
My first impression was that roughly half of the relationships seemed to be problematic. What about the other half? The article kept saying "many dads...", when they were talking about 40%. I'm sure to those women it's a major problem, but surely there are lessons to be learned from the remaining "many dads" (and moms).
I treat my life as a whole, its all work (and play of course). My job, parenting, the house, our relationship, are all things that require work and its my responsibility to share the work with my partner. If something needs doing, it should be done, period. I also had a mom that insisted that her sons learn how to do housework, we had a weekly housecleaning every Friday after school and no one could do anything until it was done (a great motivator as a teen). She also encouraged us to learn to cook.
We both have careers. Some things we share pretty much equally like housework (though I do more day-to-day pickup and she does more of the deep cleaning) and time with the kids (though we tend to do different activities with them). I'm responsible for them getting to school and home again on Tuesday and Thursdays, she on Monday, Wednesday, Friday (my teaching schedule). I had them all summer as I taught online classes from home (that was a blast actually). I do most of the shopping and cooking. She shops for more of the household goods and does most of the really deep cleaning. I do most of the laundry, but its a trade-off for watching sports, I watch a game or two and run laundry through and fold it. I do most of the outside work, though sometimes she joins me (its fun). She does most of the inside decorating and sometimes I join her (sometimes fun). I give my wife time whenever she wants it, period. I encourage her to take time for herself, even if its reading quietly for an hour or taking a nap. If she wants to take a trip with her sister, go for it. A night out with the girls, get lost. Yoga classes or some time to run, no problem. I get the same in return.
We of course argue over work and responsibilities and we don't see eye-to-eye on everything, but basically we find a way to get it all done and still have some time for our boys and each other. Obviously, communication is key.
I agree with some of the comments above, most men are problem solvers and if they understand the gestalt of parenting and taking care of the home, they will then approach it as one large task that needs doing. If they are allowed to see it as a separate sphere, as something that is their wife's responsibility, then they will tend to do only what they are asked to do, and probably not very well (just like asking her to fix the car wouldn't go over too well when it is separate spheres). I also agree that our moms probably affect how we see it as well. My dad did no housework, but my mom made us do housework. Her favorite line: "what do you think I do all day? Sit around eating bon-bons?"
Most of my male friends are more like me than the guys in the article, though I play softball with some guys who wouldn't touch a pan or a vacuum to save their life. I think our voices need to be heard more.
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Permalink Reply by GKJ on
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Well, since I last posted here, I guess things have gotten better. Not so much that my husband does a whole lot more...but I think I am just learning to accept it. And I am also taking more time for myself. I don't ask if I can go to dinner with friends or make a hair appointment, I just give plenty of notice and say "I'm doing this". My husband never complains about it and never says No. So I guess I just have to take what I can get. He will never clean the bathroom. He will never wash the floors. He will never do any laundry other than his own. I am trying to be ok with that. And when I ask for help, I try to do so nicely. It's not easy. But I'm trying.
I agree there are plenty of husbands out there who do their fair share, and my own father is one of them. That's why this is hard for me. I grew up in a household where both parents shared the load. My dad cooked, did laundry, took care of us, took us on errands. I thought all dads were like that, and its what I expected. I knew full well that my husband's family was the opposite--his mom did (And still does) everything for everyone. But I've known my husband since we were 15, and all while we dated, and were engaged, I told him I would not be that kind of women, and I expected us to be equal partners, as much as is reasonable. So I sort of blame his parents for his way of living, but I thought I had prepared him for my expectations.
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Permalink Reply by Jenny on -
It's true. Ben is right, men are dense. But don't men get annoyed with us always having to "be specific" and spelling EVERYTHING out? Everyone should check out and join The Problem With Men is Women Group. Author and life coach Charles Orlando provides opinion and insight into the world of men, and how they are screwing up the women they claim to love. http://community.momlogic.com/group/theproblemwithwomenismen
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Permalink Reply by Alicia Hagan on
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Hi Jenny,
It's funny that you mention that men might get annoyed when we spell everything out. In my recent quest to find a way to get things running smoothly, I've noticed that despite the fact that he requested that I 'tell' and 'ask' him to do things, he expresses some frustration when I do. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!
Overall we're doing well and I think he (my husband) is putting forth more effort to help me so I feel like I have accomplished something over these last few weeks thanks to all of the great moms and dads that have posted their thoughts, ideas, and advice here.
Alicia
Editor, TheMommyInsider.com
Thanks for the information about The Problem With Men is Women group. It sounds like a great idea.
Jenny said:It's true. Ben is right, men are dense. But don't men get annoyed with us always having to "be specific" and spelling EVERYTHING out? Everyone should check out and join The Problem With Men is Women Group. Author and life coach Charles Orlando provides opinion and insight into the world of men, and how they are screwing up the women they claim to love. http://community.momlogic.com/group/theproblemwithwomenismen
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