MY HUSBAND WAS SENDING NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF ONLINE!!

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Keone_Teeter on December 2, 2008 at 3:54pm

Hi there -
First of all - I am so sorry that happened to you. I would love to say stick it out with him but only you will know if that's the right decision for you. What I can say - with some expertise - is to talk openly and honestly with him. Approach him and ask him to make some time for you that's not interrupted and sit at the kitchen table and talk face to face without insults or anger. This will take a while until you can do it without anger but when you can speak to him without any harshness or anger in your voice and make it about you and him - not him and the "disgusting slut" - ask him the following questions.

1. Why did you do it
2. What did you want to happen because of the pictures?
3. Where do you want our relationship to go?

One of 3 things is going to happen - he will be honest and regret what happened and then try to make it up to you, 2) he will completely lie and make light of it and tell you that you are overreacting or 3) he will tell you he doesn't want to stay in the relationship.

The end result is - you need to take the information and decide for yourself what you want out of life - do you want it with him and can you forgive and forget or do you want to move on and be with someone who will be there for you in easy times and hard times....

I wish you luck - it's not easy being in your shoes right now and for that I am so sorry.

Be good to yourself and I wish you the best!

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Permalink Reply by T. Suzanne Eller on December 2, 2008 at 4:03pm

I suggest counseling so that you and your husband can find the answers to rebuild your relationship or to know how to set healthy boundaries as he finds help. It's not acceptable for a husband to cheat (and this is emotional cheating) on his wife and his new baby.

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Permalink Reply by MsTeeBird on December 2, 2008 at 7:18pm

Girl,

Let Ms Tee Bird tell you like it T- I - IS!!

although after having a child you may not feel pretty, you may feel out of shape and if you are breastfeeding you feel like you are being milked. but your body is not your own. You must do what you have to do to support your husbands sexual needs."Sex when desired" by either partner: 1 Cor 7:3-4.

If your husband wants sex, it is a sin to refuse him. If your wife wants sex, it is a sin to refuse her. Bible sex is always consensual... your spouse asks, and you always say yes. Many a marriage can be saved by implementing this one rule alone. When you get married, you lose control of your body to your spouse. Studies have shown that about an equal amount of married women want more sex than their husbands, as married men who want more sex than their wives desire.

It would be nice to match men and women up as marriage partners based upon their sex drive it would be great. But unfortunately this is often not the case. One partner wants sex more often than the other. In these situations, the partner that doesn’t desire sex must immediately consent to their spouse. Scripture is very clear about this although most Christians have missed this.

So you caught your husband in the early stages of infidelity. In my opinion internet, porn and "Platonic friendships" are cheating. Get a hold of yourself. You can't be withholding sex from your husband and then get mad because he was tempted. You have to swallow your pride and give him what he wants.

Now to make it more desirable for you, put on some sensual music, dress up, dance, whatever. be the fantasy he is seeing on the screen. One day when he comes home. ( while the children are away) surprise him with intimacy. walk in with just a robe on, massage him after a hard days work and make love to him. Don't give him any reason to want to "step out" on your relationship.

Honestly, if you have been denying him this is %50 your fault. so get a grip. why would you want to kick your man out? Didn't you just have a baby? learn to work through your marital problems. so many couples get mad and break up over things that could have been prevented in the first place. Have you done all you are supposed to do? and what are you teaching your children? what are you saying to yourself? basically this: when the going gets tough I split. That doesn't sound like a woman with strength to me.

Plus, after having a baby, it takes a man awhile to "learn your new curves". He may or may not like them. try to get back to the "Pre-baby" diva you were before. YOur confidence (not arrogance) will make your man be like what? Men want to feel appreciated, and loved ( and they say we are the more emotional creature) they want to feel like KINGS. So make him feel like one, before the internet lady or anyother lady does

Stop letting the adversary, or the internet chic, take your man. Stand for your marriage. Fight for your man's love and attention. Make up an internet name. ask to meet him at a bar. If he shows up, then he may have done that before. get counseling. Talk to your man not yell, or nag. don't spy on him. let him know that this hurts but you want to rebuild trust.

and through it all,, God will help you through it. Pray on it.
Just a word.
I have been there.
Spice it up, pray, and calm down. I GUARANTEE things will change!!

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Permalink Reply by Debby on December 3, 2008 at 11:22am

I have to disagree with your translation that when a husband wants sex a wife must give it. That's not consentual at all. My bible says "3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband." So in other words if he treats her with respect for her feelings and her needs during this exhausting time then she'll be more willing to give him what he desires.

The truth is, a man can live without sex and that chapter goes on to say that those in other circumstances should live without sex until the due time when his wife has enough energy to be fully into it.

This is something women aren't taught to lay out as expectations before they get involved with a man. Talking all of these things out before you make a commitment is necessary when you have those communication expectations before hand, the talking about new troubles would be easier.

It would be better to discuss this with him than with us at this point.
Stay calm and be honest without using mean words and you'll do fine.

MsTeeBird said:

Girl,

Let Ms Tee Bird tell you like it T- I - IS!!

although after having a child you may not feel pretty, you may feel out of shape and if you are breastfeeding you feel like you are being milked. but your body is not your own. You must do what you have to do to support your husbands sexual needs."Sex when desired" by either partner: 1 Cor 7:3-4.

If your husband wants sex, it is a sin to refuse him. If your wife wants sex, it is a sin to refuse her. Bible sex is always consensual... your spouse asks, and you always say yes. Many a marriage can be saved by implementing this one rule alone. When you get married, you lose control of your body to your spouse. Studies have shown that about an equal amount of married women want more sex than their husbands, as married men who want more sex than their wives desire.

It would be nice to match men and women up as marriage partners based upon their sex drive it would be great. But unfortunately this is often not the case. One partner wants sex more often than the other. In these situations, the partner that doesn’t desire sex must immediately consent to their spouse. Scripture is very clear about this although most Christians have missed this.

So you caught your husband in the early stages of infidelity. In my opinion internet, porn and "Platonic friendships" are cheating. Get a hold of yourself. You can't be withholding sex from your husband and then get mad because he was tempted. You have to swallow your pride and give him what he wants.

Now to make it more desirable for you, put on some sensual music, dress up, dance, whatever. be the fantasy he is seeing on the screen. One day when he comes home. ( while the children are away) surprise him with intimacy. walk in with just a robe on, massage him after a hard days work and make love to him. Don't give him any reason to want to "step out" on your relationship.

Honestly, if you have been denying him this is %50 your fault. so get a grip. why would you want to kick your man out? Didn't you just have a baby? learn to work through your marital problems. so many couples get mad and break up over things that could have been prevented in the first place. Have you done all you are supposed to do? and what are you teaching your children? what are you saying to yourself? basically this: when the going gets tough I split. That doesn't sound like a woman with strength to me.

Plus, after having a baby, it takes a man awhile to "learn your new curves". He may or may not like them. try to get back to the "Pre-baby" diva you were before. YOur confidence (not arrogance) will make your man be like what? Men want to feel appreciated, and loved ( and they say we are the more emotional creature) they want to feel like KINGS. So make him feel like one, before the internet lady or anyother lady does

Stop letting the adversary, or the internet chic, take your man. Stand for your marriage. Fight for your man's love and attention. Make up an internet name. ask to meet him at a bar. If he shows up, then he may have done that before. get counseling. Talk to your man not yell, or nag. don't spy on him. let him know that this hurts but you want to rebuild trust.

and through it all,, God will help you through it. Pray on it.
Just a word.
I have been there.
Spice it up, pray, and calm down. I GUARANTEE things will change!!

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Permalink Reply by SciTchr on December 3, 2008 at 12:40pm

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves to be treated in such a manner. I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you!

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Permalink Reply by SciTchr on December 3, 2008 at 12:42pm

And please don't take advice from someone that says your body is not your own... what the heck?

WOW... just... WOW.

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Permalink Reply by Katherine on December 4, 2008 at 8:39am

I am a strong advocate of counseling but I also agree that (after you have calmed your emotions) you need to sit down and have a face to face with him to confront him as he needs to be held accountable for his actions. You just had a baby and as your husband he needs to respect you as his wife, not demand sex or expect you to submit your body to him out of sacrifice. I am a Christian and to say that as a wife you have to give up your needs and desires to satisfy his sexual needs at any time, day or night is not like the God that I serve. I think your husband who was a part of creating this new life in your home should be: kind, considerate, long suffering, gentle and understanding during these months after a baby... not trying to satisfy his "lust" online.

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Permalink Reply by Heather on December 4, 2008 at 8:43am

I find it so bizarre that someone would tell you to suck it up, and slap you with a Bible to make you put out and heck, while you're at it--arrange to meet your man in a bar! Goodness gracious, the woman has just HAD A BABY!!!

I agree totally with T. Suzanne Eller--this doesn't have to be the end of a relationship but it definitely needs some explanation, reformation and healing. A counselor can be a great guide on your road to marital recovery--if that's the path you BOTH want to travel.

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Permalink Reply by Dana Neal on December 4, 2008 at 9:12am

HMMMM, I agree with what the bible says about the wife. Only the wife can be responsible for her. I agree with what the bible says about the husband, only he can be responsible for him, but the scripture was written for those who are walkers and not just believers ("I want the blessings from God, but I don't want to live holy). People who really KNOW what God says about marriage. I will never tell you to leave your husband, I am a Christian and know God can work it out.

With that said, I don't know where your faith is. I"m not going to guess, I'm going to share with you my advice as a Christian wife and what people have told me in my 5 years of marriage. WE cannot make a man do what WE women want them to do. Why? They are men. We can only do what WE can do. If you know your marriage is on the rockies because of the new life you have now with the baby. Babies can be put to sleep so you can get it on. If you are not "feeling it" because your are tired with your newborn....work out a schedule that will help you get your energy back.You have to make yourself available for your husband.

Right now, the computer girlfriend is available....she may not even be a slut; she's just avaiable for him. Your husband is excited by what he is 'sharing' with someone online.
Yes, conseling may be key, but you both have to want it..or see a problem, if you are only see a problem, he will only go to satisfy you...while still sending naked pictures some kind of way. Try what what you know first. Take it from me, we did counseling some time ago, but my husband and I were fired by the counselor. FIRED!

Only YOU know what will make your marriage work, it is your marriage. Only you know what it will take for you AND him. Marriage is not about his needs my needs, but our needs because we are one (but that's faith talking; his needs my needs is selfishness)

We can give you all the advice in the world....but it is where your heart is that will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Andersen on December 4, 2008 at 9:30am

I"m so sorry to hear what has happend to you but I was in a similar situation once as well.
I can say what so many others have said - you have to do what is right for YOU! So we can't tell you stay or go, but I can share some first hand advice.

After the birth of my first son, my husband just could not adjust to the fact that he wasn't my only priority anymore. Coupled with the fact that I'm very independent and somewhat controlling, he was loosing his role in our family.
Consequently he developed a friendship with a women at work that turned to an affair (of sorts - they did not sleep together).
I found out after reviewing (for the first time) our cell phone bill. I was devasted. How could this man claim to be a father????

It took me 1 month of wishing revenge and kicking him out and then 3 month of therapy to realize I wanted to save our marriage. However I was so hurt and so betrayed at the loss of intimacy it took me 6 more months to truly put it behind me.

You need to find out why your husband did this: and he needs to fess up completely and honestly. It will be hard to hear I"m sure, as he may tell you things he needs from you that you are not ready to give right now, but listen.

Then you need to decide if you can trust him again. This is IMPORTANT - he needs to WORK HARD to EARN YOUR TRUST again. If he's not willing to do that - which might involve you checking his email, him going without a cell phone etc,, than he's not worthy of your love or trust. He needs to fix this too.

I hope this helps. My husband had to spend a great deal of time repairing what he ruined in our life, but I"m happy to say I trust him again and that we are doing well. He's not perfect but I do belive him that he won't stray again, and if he does, well he knows that his family will not be around to repair.

I will pray for you. It's a terrible time when you have to deal with this and a 3 month old but it will get better. It will take a lot of effort on your part. But remember, the most improtant thing is to provide a safe, nuturing enviorment for your child. Focus on your child to relieve some of your hurt. Their love and smiles are the quickest way to heal.

God Bless,
Laura

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Permalink Reply by Blogomama on December 4, 2008 at 10:50am

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I was previously married to someone who had an online porn addiction, among other major faults (but this is not about me). MOST IMPORTANT is that you realize and understand it has nothing to do with and is ALL about them. (it's a sick, self absorbed , low self esteem "addiction") It's not a reflection of YOU and don't let him project this immature behavior on to you. You're the victim NOT the cause!

I know you might be feeling betrayed, lost and confused. You need time to take it all in and only THEN, figure out a game plan. Write down how you feel, what you want and what you want to accomplish.

If he can be honest and open enough to have a mature discussion, go for it. That closure will be important to you now AND later.

Take your time, pray on it and see where you need to go.

With Love and Hope for the right answer for "you".

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Permalink Reply by Bayleesmommy on December 4, 2008 at 2:16pm

Well, Ms Teebird has a good point, I don't ask questions when my husband wants some "afternoon delight". HAHA. Even if I'm in a bad mood I figure I'll give it a try, it might perk me up! On the other hand, if I'm sick or hurt, he knows better then to ask.
Let's assume that your husband is not some sicko pervert and maybe just feeling extremely horny, I can see where he might look at a dirty magazine or check out the free porn pics, but this exchanging of pics thing is just weird!!!!! I would be burning mad and have every reason to be! I can understand when you would be hurt!!! To me, that's just like cheating, you're just not touching, it's just as bad.
If it were me, I'd treat it like an affair. It needs to be discussed no matter what. I can't afford counselors. You could always go to your pastor for some free advise. The main thing is that the two of you sit down and discuss what led him to do this and you need to validate every felling he has, even if you don't like it, entertain it. Make him talk about it so YOU can hear it...it's for you, not him. For him, it will seem more like a punishment, but he deserves it. If you have been being unfair to his wishes than your punishment will be to hear his feelings about it come out. YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. Then you can move forward with your decision. Unfortunatly, it's going to take a long time to heal from this.
If this doesn't work, you could go about it the MEAN, PSHCHO, BUT I FEEL BETTER approach.
1. Fill up a large pitch of water.
2.Take it into your office (wherever the computer is)
3. If it is a mac, pour water on the keyboard. If not, first get a hammer, beat the computer to bits, then pour the water all over the remaining pieces.
4. Take his credit card, buy yourself a nice new laptop computer with wireless internet.
5. Buy a safe.
6. Put the laptop in the safe and only get it out when YOU want to use it. Only allow him supervised useage.
7. Burn all dirty magazines and porn movies. You'll feel so much better watching all that go up in smoke. (get a babysitter B4 step 7)
8. Take a 3 day vacation.
9. Put it on his expense (if you have no money, go stay with a relative or close friend).
10. Find that disgusting slut and tell her husband what she's been doing! HA!

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