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Need advice on sex after 2 kids and 14 years of marriage

I love my husband very much but I'm just not in the mood for sex. We're both working and tired all the time. I don't want to make him feel unwanted but I also don't want to fake intimacy. Any advice?

Tags: relationships, sex

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Wow!!! Sounds like a lot of people have this problem!! I thought I was the only one out there!! I'm only in the mood about two or three days in my cycle!!! And that is it!! My hubby on the other hand wants "it" ALL the time!! I have two kids and a stay at home mom! All I want to do at night is go to bed and sleep!! My advice is maybe spice things up a bit. Not really sure what else to say as I'm in the same boat as you!!!
Dr. Kevin Leman has a couple of great books out on this subject. One, Sex Begins in the Kitchen, talks about how we treat each other all day long, which has a direct affect on how we "treat" each other at night. The other book, Sheet Music, gives much more direct information. I highly recommend reading both books. He's got a great writing style and adds humor as well.

In the meantime, until you get your hands on the books, my advice to you is setting aside a regular time each day with your husband to talk. My husband and I raised five children. The chaos seemed to be constant. We had to find a specific time each day to sit in our living room (there is no TV in that room) with a cup of coffee, tell the kids this was our time--they had to go play--and actually communicate. We had to get passed the "I have to be at xyz at 2 p.m. tomorrow, you'll need to pick up little Johnny from school." Once logistics are set aside, what do you talk about? My husband and I talk about goals, discuss what we've read or heard on the news that day, share our feelings about something that is happening in our lives, or...sometimes we tell each other how much we appreciate each other and tell them all the great things they do. If we slip and don't set this time aside, we start to snap at each other and have less empathy and patience for each other.

Let me know if any of this helps. I'm praying for you!
I am in the same boat as you. Mu husband and I have two daughters and we both work and all I want to do at night is go to bed and sleep. You are not alone in this matter......
My husband and I were in the same situation, except we have 5 children. We went through some really rough times because we just did not have time to spend with eachother. So, about a year ago, I had enough of the bickering because of it, so we started scheduling dates. My kids are old enough now that the oldest can stay home and babysit, so we can go out to dinner, movie and just have our time. Sometimes we even go to another town and stay in a hotel for the night.
Believe me, even a couple of hours away from your everyday routine will make a world of difference.
After putting the kids down to bed at night is our time to spend together! I highly enjoy this time and look forward to it everyday!!! My husband is my BEST FRIEND and I love him dearly!! But I am STILL to tired to do anything at night!! I am sooo envious of you KIMMERZ!!! I would love to get away for ONE night!! Just ONE is all I'd need!! But we have NO ONE to take our kids for the night. We have a four year old and a two year old. Both of our Mothers have passed away!! So it will be a VERY long time before we get to have that privilege!!!!
Lots of my friends and I are in this same situation. 35-40ish and around 14 yrs of marriage. Some us are full time working moms while others work outside the home part time or stay at home. We seem to each be facing this same situation at home. The guys are always ready to go. We just don't share their interest right now and even though we want to, we just cant get in the mood.

Date night sounds like a great idea. I've often planned to start doing that, just have not gotten there yet.
thanks for the great advice. I will make a concerted effort to spend at least 1 hour a week with my husband --- be it dinner out or just watching a good movie together without the kids. I don't want us to grow old together as great roommates...I want to have that special connection as we progress through life and its pressures
Welcome to the rest of your life. If you chose to fake intimacy than you are setting yourself, and your husband, up for bad sex forever. Not that there won't be those occasional times that feel like the old days, but they get more and more infrequent. If you chose to state what in your heart is true, that you have really no interest in having sex or intimacy (with him) then you put it out there to deal with. Most women opt for choice number one, close your eyes and think of England, we used to say. The sex will get less and less appealing and you will both grow more distant and resentful with time, but it is the option most people choose so you have plenty of company. No one really knows why women feel this way, but obviously since prostitution is the oldest profession, there is nothing new about it. the only thing that is 'new' i.e. 20th century is that we expect different.
I've been married 11 years with 2 kiddos and I can tell you that there are a couple of things that have helped me:
1.) The more you do it - the more in the mood you'll be. I've found that the longer we go between encounters, the more of a chore it seems and the more disinterested I am. I know this sounds sad - but scheduling it in (in my mind), has helped me get back in the mood. Not at first, but after a couple of weeks.
2.) I've been reading alot of romantic fiction (not smut or porn) and watching romantic movies. This really gets me in the mood to be romantic.
3.) Tease and lead up to the event ALL day long. I send text messages. I call him. Build it up. We used to think about the night we'd be together non-stop when we were in college and suddenly, it just became, "You wanna?" UGH!
4.)Go on dates with your husband.
5.) Have non-sex make-out sessions whenever possible. It so re-kindles the passion.
When do your kids go to bed? I have started putting them to bedd earlier and I get a little me time to relax and then I can get a little us time after. It also make you sleep better and you feel more alive the next day. also watching our wedding video always helps bring back that sexual attraction so you won't have to fake it. The Doctors had an episode on sex it was called 5 medical reason to have sex. Let me tell you if you can check it out on there site Sex does give women a better additude and a better walk. It makes unless feel more alive. Good luck.
I say go away for the weekend, if possible!! Marriage takes effert, it being date night once a week or perhaps buying something sexy ((for his eyes only!!)) They love this!!! IT's hard to get it back once you got into the funk but don't let it slip away!! Good luck, I wish you the best!!!
Hi Hessie: You aren't alone... my wife and I both have this challenge. We've made a concerted effort NOT to "go through the motions", and instead find time when it works for both of us. We have two kids, she's a part-time student and stay-at-home mom, I'm a consultant and author (with LONG hours). She and I agree that it's just hard to downshift and get in the mood on-cue once the kids go to sleep.

I cover some of this in my upcoming book: The Problem with Women... is Men, but the other posters on here have given great advice. Going away for the weekend will treat the symptom, but to cure what's happening, it's best to have a discussion with your husband, and be honest. If he's supportive, he will understand.

Good luck!

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