Need advice on sex after 2 kids and 14 years of marriage

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Russell Irving on October 5, 2009 at 8:56pm

After finances, sexual intimacy is the biggest reason for divorce and stress in a marriage, they say.
After 24+ years, I still find my wife the only woman I truly desire.
For those women (or men) who say that they are too tired, let me ask if they or their spouse always feels like going to work, spending time with the kids, or friends, or... yet, the energy is somehow 'always there' for those things. - And, since people do not marry their platonic best friend, but someone who they are sexually attracted to, isn't it a breaking of the marital vows to not find the energy to be intimate with your spouse? For many people it probably is a matter of desire and prioritizing one's days. If you need to have more energy a night, then decide what is more important, a happy marriage or cooking a big meal or... ? -- As someone already mentioned, the longer the lag between intimate times, the more difficult it can be and more awkward and less pleasurable when you both do get together. And, who says that intimacy has to happen at the end of the day? Why not, first thing before children wake up? Or taking a personal day to spend time for lunch out and maybe a drive and some 'making out'? We can be creative when finding time and energy for others but assume that spouses will have endless understanding and patience. Finally, don't you deserve some bodily pleasure? You might find it having a lasting, mellowing and 'pleasant' effect that carries through the next day.
I spent years doing workshops and listening to divorced people, among others. And, those who had such deep regrets for not making the time for their spouse and for themselves, was a large number. And, when I wrote my book on marriage, there was a lot of agreement on the need to make intimacy a priority. Moderation?
Remember that there is not always a 'tomorrow' and that patience does have an end to it.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Russell Irving on October 5, 2009 at 9:22pm

After uploading my previous comment, i realized that I wanted to add some more points. - Despite the stereotype, many-most men would find being intimate without sex, as in cuddling, caressing... to be incredibly satisfying. But are afraid their woman will dismiss it as a sneaky way to get to sex. -- Also, I found in my work, that resentments and anger and frustrations offer are the true reason why there is little sex in a marriage. So work on those things and leave them in the hallway, not the bedroom, if you can. - I certainly do not want to dismiss true fatigue or differences in sexual drives. But, with some soul searching, time management, and thinking outside of the box, you might be amazed.
The other thing is that both men and women's moods (the day after good sex) is often greatly improved. And it can become part of a great cycle. Carrying over into other parts of one's married life.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on October 6, 2009 at 6:13am

I'm also glad to see that I'm not the only one out there! I'm a SAHM of five children. I homeschool them and work AND clean the house during the day, then I'm supposed to be "ready and willing" when he gets home from work...it's very frustrating! I think a lot of my problem is that I'm ALWAYS home...I never get out of this house (my only outlet is the Internet) and I don't have any friends here, or a way to meet friends. His constant complaining about "not getting any" only makes it worse, because it makes me feel like a...well, I guess like a blow-up doll for lack of a better term. Not exactly inducive to "the mood"!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Wealer on October 6, 2009 at 8:53am

I think it comes down to feeling good about yourself too! My husband and I have been together for 14 years. We have 3 children and I work from home while he is active duty Air Force. We do everything we can to make time for each other--it's tough because we do NOT have family in town being in the military, but after the children go to bed, we use that time for each other at least 1 or 2 nights a week. We also do alot of flirting w/each other--just like when we were in college.:) We send each other text messages or emails during the day. And we both take time to work out and feel good about ourselves. I work from home and have a little guy here with me everyday while his sisters are at school, but I put in as much effort as I can to get dressed, fix my hair & put on at least a little powder & mascara everyday. Just feeling a little more desirable makes my desire build.:) It's an effort, for sure. I'm a 2x breast cancer survivor and had multiple surgeries resulting in horrible scaring all over my body (especially breasts), but I splurge on nice bras & panties and even a couple nice nighties and even wear them under my sweatshirts during the week! Even if I'm not in the mood exactly, I put those things on and know it gets him in the mood which in turn eventually turns me on also...does that make sense??
Hope that helps!

▶ Reply to This

▶ Reply to This

• First
• Previous
• Next
• Last