Real Stories. Real Advice. Real Moms.
Oh, what do we do???
Ok, back 3 1/2 years ago I met my husband. At that time he not seen his oldest son in over a yr. Then he was 11yrs old. He lives with his mother and they have moved I know of 6 times just since I have been with Dad. They don't keep a phone so we cannot contact him. So therefore, the relationship between father and son is pretty much up to son. I met Jordan soon after I started dating Dad. He seems like a good kid, for one with no guidance. We started to get regular (every other weekend) visits with him, us making the 4hr road trip, since mom had no running vehicle. He would come to our house, talk about all of this money they have and about how they're buying this house. That's all great and all but it's BS!!! Dad tried to have a talk to him about some of the things he was saying and the distance between the two were back. Jordan went months without contacting Dad. Then out of the blue he called wanting money for a school trip. Dad was fine with this but told him on the phone that it would be nice to hear from him or see him more often then just when he wanted something. Jordan was around 13 at this time. Of course he wanted the money so his mom met Dad half way for the weekend visit. Again, we were having him regularly. Then Aug 2007 he came to stay just before school started and had needed some clothes for school...no problem, those were bought. He went on all weekend about his summer job and how he had money stashed at home but preceeded to ask for overalls thoughout the visit. Which is'nt a big deal and Dad never said NO! But of course it did tick him off with all of the BS about money but then he continued to want, want want! I know he does'nt have much. And that includes guidance!!! The visit ended on Sunday evening, with Jordan again asking for money for those overalls. Dad gave in, along with a hug! Remember that was Aug 2007!! He was 14 1/2. We have not seen him since. No contact phone, plus they have moved again! Jordan did however call Grandma and Grandpa when it was gift giving time and once to ask for money, this last time he was told NO! Grandma continued to tell him, how it was'nt right for him to not visit but to only call when he WANTED something. Well here it is a month before Christmas, the phone rings, we don't recognize the number, we awnser and guess what? It's Jordan, after a whole year....he calls Dad. Tells Dad how he is dropping out of school at 15 1/2 and has got a SCHOLORSHIP for welding school...more BS!! That he wants to come see us this week. We are fine with this but how to we just let him come and go as he pleases!! IT HURTS DAD!! Plus he has a little brother and my 2 children that have'nt seen him in over a year.. Dad says he can visit but he is not staying the night. That he can't just walk in and out of our lives. I need help here!! I want Dad to have a relationshop with his son but what do you do???
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Stacey on -
Sounds like he is a young boy with a lot of hurts. I realize he seems to be using you guys but a child has to be taught how not to do these things and unfortuanately it does not sound like he was learning much from mom except how to hide the fact that they are poor. All his big talk may have been trying to cover the fact that he was embarrassed that he had so little. Kids by nature are selfish. I love my girls more than anything else in this world but at times their selfishness can really get under my skin. I have the task of redirecting them and that is not always an easy task but it is still one I take very seriously. He may not have had the same direction from his mom and you guys have had the misfortune of not being in his life enough to give him the direction he needed. I know this must be a difficult situation. My heart goes out to you and his Dad. I have 4 step daughters and things are not always easy. I hope things work out for you guys. Just keep loving him and try to focus on why he is the way he is. Be patient with him. If he is not stealing or being blantantly disrespectful, I would not restrict him from staying over night, that may only make things worse. Our 16 yr old daughter does not really like hanging out here with us that much either and her dad just bought her a brand new car for her b'day. She is just being a typical teenager. Boy they can really be selfish and they think they know everything. It hurts my husband as well but we try to remember what life was like when we were teenagers. One day he will be a grown man and hopefully more mature in his decisions. If you keep him at arms length now he may not ever come around. Hang in there!
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Permalink Reply by Sharlala on -
Well I think you should let him guide that. You can't expect a 15, 16 yr old to *know* that he can't just walk in and out of peoples lives who love him. You said it numerous times he lacked guidance His mother sounds like a real *winner* too with all the instability. Chances are there are so many reasons why he acts the way he does but the bottom line is he needs his Dad, and Dad needs to realize his son isn't going to act in a way he's never been taught how to act. Does that make since? I wouldn't be surprised if son feels that having a lot of contact with Dad isn't somehow a betrayal to his mom. I'm sure Mom plays a big role in why your visits are irregular, etc. And I'm sure the reason he *brags* about all the money they have and the house they're buying is because he wants to make his mom sound [to you guys] like she is doing a good job raising him. That she's a good, upstanding person of society. Something he thinks you guys are and he wants to make sure you guys think of her in the same way. And that just adds to my earlier thoughts too with the feelings of betrayal.
I say have him for the weekend, act like nothings happened and just enjoy each others time. If he asks for this or that, tell him its not feasible right now, that you hadn't budgeted in any extras this month. Then remind him how much spending the time with him meant to you. Get all mushy with him, hug and kiss him and smile a lot. Even if he acts grossed out, lol, he'll carry the warm fuzzies with him and think on them later.
Good luck =)
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Permalink Reply by Misty on -
Well since my post. I have read my replies and THANKS so much to both of you!! I had taken a little from you and have decided there are other ways of handling this issue! However, Jordan NEVER called Dad and we still have not seen him! This is what I mean! He called after a year and half, WHY? To get his Dads exciting reaction that he was quiting school at the age of 15 1/2 and has got a SCHOLERSHIP to weilding school!! For one, last I remember, in order to get scholorships you must finish school with honors, good grades or something..am I wrong?? Anyways, Dad wanted to call him Sunday and ask where he was but did'nt want to drive him further away,,,,is that even possible at this time?? Again DAd and I just wait for another call!!! Thanks again!!! Misty
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