Quote "My husband hit me. The church took his side." Sheri Ferber

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Permalink Reply by Melanie Smothers on June 9, 2009 at 9:40pm

It is very hard to leave. I left an abusive husband after 23 years. I had went to our pastor months before and told him what my ex had done to me. They were very "sincere in their wanting to pray for me" ha , then I left and Mr. Ted Bundy got ahold of them and it is now my fault that he abused me. Try going up against the courts with a man who could con God out of his religion. Everyday is a trial by fire. We had our own business and I was the most bread winner in it. But I was not allowed to go to school, work anywhere else after I got hurt, couldn't wear my makeup like I wanted, couldn't dress the way I wanted, couldn't use contraceptives, had to walk with my head down around men because if I didn't it meant I wanted them. I had no friends, I had people and acquaintances that I taught. But i wasn't allowed to go to a movie with a girlfriend or shopping. So after years of trying to keep my family together for the kids I ran. I had no money, and at first because he thought I would come back but once he knew I wasn't he defied the decree he set up ( we had the same lawyer and she screwed me over. I am reporting her to the bar. He won't let me see my daughter. I get to see her 2 hours every two weeks. I live 240 miles away. Before I at least got the whole weekend.. I finally had a nervous breakdown after not seeing her for 10 months/ I never got my summers with her. He wouldn't let me. So she said she was afaid of me for having a breakdown. Not the fact that her father threatened to kill her sister with a knife to her throat, beat his son with a belt at 16 hitting him in the face groin - that son is dead now. Threatened someone on our property over a horse with a 357. Got in a argument with me and his son and he went bezerk and killed a milk carton stabbing it over and over. Choked me because I had dated someone he knew. The degredation, humilation, and the turning my children from me has just about killed me. The courts in Jonesboro, AR are nothing but good ole boy kangaroo courts.

So it is ok to leave. You can't pay any attention to the church. They will always be against a wife leaving, as long as it's not happening to them they can't possibly understand the pain. But document everything that happens, time, place action. Use a small recorder if you are being abused to present in court. Get a shark for a lawyer and show no mercy - because believe me the church and god and your abuser won't show you any.

Melanie

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Permalink Reply by Debby on June 10, 2009 at 9:08am

I think that these churches are forgetting a very intergral part of the Bible verse they always quote. Yes the Bible does say that wives should submit to their husbands, but it goes on to say that husbands should love their wives as the husband does his own body. In essence, If a man wouldn't do anything to harm his self then he generally won't become an abuser.

I think that's the crux of things there. Most people hide those negative aspects of their personality but those aspects come out in bizarre ways and often under stress. It's up to us as women to really investigate things in our potential spouses past and way the potential for abuse before we take such steps as going to bed with a man or moving in with him.

My own story supports this:

My first husband was generally well mannered, however 3 months before we were to be married he nearly killed someone in a brawl at a gymnasium. To escape prosecution he joined the military and learned more ways to hurt people without leaving marks. In hind sight, I realize he wasn't really the sort of person I should have married because I'm to confrontational and opinionated. I didn't deserve to be hit for my mouthy comments and the same comments didn't incite violence in other relationships at all.


It's a fine line between self worth on earth and worshipful living in a world that is trying to destroy the link between our souls and God. I just think the messages about marriage are just twisted way too often.

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Permalink Reply by S Lepert on June 22, 2009 at 2:21am

I agree with your post, Althea. In my opinion, no all loving God would wish for any of his followers to live in an abusive relationship or to be punished for leaving one. Take care of yourself and each other.

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Permalink Reply by JP on July 5, 2009 at 7:51pm

Please remember that the church is not God~ it is made of imperfect people and if they are not in that kind of relationship there is absolutely no way they would understand.
I am in a similar situation to yours~ i kept leaving because the abuse was too great for me to handle. The last time I left~ my husband came after me~ and beat me so severly I was taken to a local hospital by ambulance. I had one friend in this world~ my best friend.
My husband flew straight over to her house in his way expensive vehicle on his knees and she said he was crying real tears~ the same real tears he cried that night before my beating...... The one that he totally denies~~ he kept telling me that if other people knew about this~ he would lose his job. Same thing he told her when he went to her. And that night he sent her to my grandfathers house where me and my children were safe~ and he wanted her to see how badly he had hurt me and what my face looked like~
Funny thing he chose her~ she said he would be labeled a wife beater??? hmmmm...... amazing how they dont see the things right in front of them isnt it?
Anyway he has since joined a mens bible group in our church and the leader of this church group is his lawyer. So my husband brings his bible into the courtroom where he totally lies about everything~ and both him and his lawyer appear to be saints while painting me the bad one.

Again this is not God this is man~ claiming to be stewards of God and that is quite the shame isnt it????

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Permalink Reply by T. Suzanne Eller on July 6, 2009 at 10:50am

Thanks for sharing this. One of the comments shared the Scripture that shows a man how to love his wife. It's sacrificial. It's treating her as he would his own body. It's extraordinary love, and physical abuse is not included in that description.

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Permalink Reply by teri stoddard on July 6, 2009 at 2:57pm

Please be aware that men suffer abuse at the hands of women on equal levels as women do at the hands of men.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/.../the_face_of_men_abused_by_wome...

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Permalink Reply by emilyunia on July 21, 2009 at 6:36am

Hi - I work for the BBC World Service and we are discussing domestic violence today on our programme (1700 GMT). If you would like to share your experiences and opinions, please get in touch. emily.unia@bbc.co.uk or +44 20 7557 0635

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Permalink Reply by Chrisinda Lukens on July 22, 2009 at 7:05pm

I don't know about the church part, because mine is in fact extremely supportive. But I know abuse. To the point he told me he was going to kill me. I put him in jail. It was the hardest thing I've done. My kids and I have struggled with everything since, and if it wasn't for my support circle, I probably would have gone back. The courts have made me feel like the criminal. It's been over a year, and I still struggle with what was taken from me. I want to change things for other women like me. I want to find ways to help, but the things I've seen through our so-called justice system in the last year is eye opening. The criminals have more rights than the victims. I have so much that goes through my head on this, and I just can't seem to ever get it out.

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Permalink Reply by Vicki Andrew on July 22, 2009 at 7:07pm

My former husband taught Sunday school and bible studies and everyone talked about how wonderful he was, no one knew what when on behind closed doors. I want to the pastor for help, I took my children who had been witnesses to the abuse over the years ( this was back before the zero tolerance for domestic abuse). I asked for help for myself, for my children and we were basically told that we were making it up. My husband told people that I was lying, that I had brainwashed the children. I finally got up the courage to leave him, I got a restraining order, No one to help me, no one to ask what to do, no family, no friends. I ended up, over 40 years old having to get a job, starting over in a new town, I got our 3 daughters, he got the house, and the church made him a deacon

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Permalink Reply by Deanna on July 22, 2009 at 7:10pm

I divorced my first husband for abusing me his wife, and for abuse our daughter. Then met another man who abused us. Then another one. And, then another one. I grew up abused in and out of my parents home, and in and out of abusive foster homes. I have lived with the sorrow, the guilt, the agony, and the pain. Wondering all the quesions that a person could ask. Why me? Why us? What did I do? Could've done? and so on and so on. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It has to stop with us all sticking together to help one another. Please view my video and comment on it. It will help so many people in our world find help, find inner peace, find an exscape plan to follow through with, to do which ever you can cause, I am out here in this big world trying very hard to help as many people as I can through this. Please pass my video on to other's as well and I hope together the world will be ABUSE FREE someday. WE CAN DO IT!! I could write a book on all my experiances and in this book I would dedicated to us all whom have lived it, breathed it, endured it, and conqured it to safety. I would also dedicate it one of my dear friends whom was murdered because of the abuse. RIP Darlene, I miss you. We got to believe and to work together. WE CAN DO IT!! There is HOPE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING around us we just have to find the courage to locate it. And, believe in it. It's not an easy road as we know but it is a road we can take TOGETHER. GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!!
My daughter and I are survivors of many years of abuse. I hid a tape recorder under the kitchen sink one night in hopes of getting some proof that my child and I were being abused. I went to the Omro Cops back when and they told me weeks later after I file paperwork that the District Attorney didn't want to take my case. So with no place to run in Omro and no way of getting anywhere I was left in shame and with the proof that I thought would save my child and I. Many years later I am still in poccession of this tape. So I decided to make a video. This man or rather coward took alot from us. So here I am trying to use what I once thought would never save me way back when to now in hopes of saving myself and daughter. I am now using this tape to hopefully educate many people in what it is like to be on the other end of the fist coming at you and to tell you all you have strength to exscape. I thought this would be something of interest to the other victims/survivors of abuse. Maybe or rather I hope it will help save lifes.
I can't listen to it. Wish I could make it really LOUDER for others to really hear the shame and pain. So if you can try to have your volumn up loud enough cause it was really hard to have this hiding in my kitchen without him seeing it. So I tried to get help and instead had to run far and fast with my daughter once I was able to exscape. Opinions, Comments, Suggestions welcomed. Please Help Stop Abuse by deeculver on youtube. I plan on helping many women, men and children along my journey through life over come abuse. Will you vow to help with comments, passing along my video to others, and to realize we all deserve to be abused free. Comment on here and on YouTube also PLEASE.
Thank You and God Bless
Sincerely,
Deanna Culver
Appleton, WI

EMBED URL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd1C6rN8fVA

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Permalink Reply by theslickmom on July 22, 2009 at 7:12pm

Classic example of how people interpret the Bible how they see fit and either ignore what they don't believe or don't treat it as something that was written eons ago and needs updating. We live in a different world. People need to understand that. If any church says it's ok to abuse another person, how could anyone believe in that church? pathetic.

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Permalink Reply by Deanna on July 22, 2009 at 7:17pm

If anyone is telling you to not leave (school, church, spouse, friend, stranger) etc.... Don't listen to them! Find a way to leave safely and keep looking forward to the life you'd like ABUSE FREE. God wouldn't want anyone of us to hurt like this. And, neither do I so PLEASE do what you need to do best to exscape safely without harming anyone along your way. Prayers to you!!!! God Bless
One Person At A Time and One Day At A Time tooooooooooooooooooooooo ABUSE FREE......... It can, would, could and should happen. Abuse has no place in anyone's life to suffer through. Keep talking and reaching out cause there is life out here to be lived ABUSE FREE.
Take Care and God Bless
Stay Safe
Dee

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