Venting about enabling parents!!!!!!!! Are you one? Help me understand!!!!

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Permalink Reply by VHgroupie on December 28, 2008 at 10:26pm

A generation of bad parenting.

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Permalink Reply by Amy on December 29, 2008 at 6:38am

We feel guilty because we have to work-vicious cycle, we give into our children to appease our guilt but then we are not teaching them anything.

My mantra with my children is finishing a task, you will not get far in the real world. I have included chores into their everyday life-my ten year old-fusses to no end- and makes her sisters finish her work-frustrating to say the least. I want the girls to realize work comes before pleasure of using the computer and televison.

I see it in the work place, how much people cut corners-where is our work ethic?????

I empathize with your frustrations because I too am very upset and want to set a good example for my children but sometimes the I wants become too much....very bad!!

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Permalink Reply by PJH on December 29, 2008 at 4:29pm

My mum used to say,,, reason with your kids. This is what I do. I explain calmly why it must be so. I don't like playing the softy nor the heavy. I stay even, they stay even. My mother used to say...Calm moms have calm kids. So let's recap: calm, reasonable, well-modulated...keeps everyone coloring between the lines.

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Permalink Reply by Bayleesmommy on December 29, 2008 at 5:45pm

Very nice, for me this is easier said then done but I do strive to be this way.....I'm taking about blaming everything and everyone else for YOUR child misbehaving......and letting THEM control YOU! What is up with that!?

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Permalink Reply by VHgroupie on December 30, 2008 at 9:01am

Parents don't want to take responsibility and think their child is perfect.

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Permalink Reply by Sharon Silver on December 30, 2008 at 10:42am

The pace of life these days, the huge emotions little ones have, the big reactions parents have as a result can be just the combo that causes a parent to throw up her hands and cave in. The preschool years are very tough, the developmental cycles change every few months. The toddler and preschool years are the time in life when a child's basic foundation, the core of who they will become is being formed. Parents, possibly like the ones you’ve seen, need to know that they can't just punish to gain better behavior, they need to teach, and teaching uses discipline, not punishment.

As a parent educator parents ask me all the time, “How do I reason with a three year old? How can I pass my rules and values to my child without yelling and punishment?” There is help out there, no one needs to let a little one rule the roost, and you don't have to use punishment and yelling either! There are very simple, respectful, loving and very effective ways to discipline children and deal with all that behavior that shows up during the toddler and preschool years.
I invite all of you to look at www.proactiveparenting.net. It just might be exactly what you’ve been looking for and is the perfect place to refer parents who you see, as you put it—enabling their children.

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Permalink Reply by Bayleesmommy on December 30, 2008 at 3:33pm

see...no....Reasoning with your children at the age of 2, 3, 4, or months old. Here's where I draw the line and this bothers me...tremendously. This age is the age for boundries. My two year old's ego is out of control like most children her age, which is perfectly normal. She thinks she is the ruler of MY kingdom (well, she prefers princess)...No, I'm not going to reason with someone whose ego is out of control, and should be, at the age of 2. Children at this age need boundries, not your respect. Don't worry though, they will still love you. It's not until they have a good handle on Mommy and Daddy law that they can be reasoned with, so in turn they respect me. Children don't really learn this until 5 or 6 years of age (depending on the child). If boundries haven't been put into place you get the result of what I see everyday. Children hitting their parents, behaving as if there are no consequenses for everything they do and the poor parents are over there in a corner with them trying to "reason" with them on why they don't hit people and why what they are doing is wrong because_______. Why must you want to reason with your child, be their best friend? You are ENABLING them to be people who can't function in society, they think rules don't apply to them, better yet, that the police officer owes them an explanation for why they shouldn't be drinking and driving. All of the sudden, the world owes them something and when the world doesn't produce it, well, then there is consequences. If my child can't obey the rules in my house, how will they obey the rules in society? You are training them for life, not Wal-mart (you may enter in shopping area of your choice). I don't understand why people do this????

I did go to the web-site, it's not for me, but it could be helpful for some people I know...thank you for that. :)

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Permalink Reply by Debby on December 31, 2008 at 3:35am

I'm sorry but I don't think this is really about how I could blame society because I have a messed up kid. At one point I was one of those parents to a point. My middle boy acted out in school, A LOT, and we (my husband and I), the teachers all discounted it to an outside influence because he was too young to articulate what was really going on.

The reason: he was left on the bus. He was in a 4 year old half day program. The bus carried him to one school then was supposed to transfer him to another bus. The sub driver didn't check the bus to make sure it was empty and took it off to the bus barn. He was found an hour and a half later. To me this was very suspicious, I searched out a professional to help and after a year and 2 months we figured out that He wasn't molested, but he did have ADHD. But during that time, I ruined my relationship with him by not being consistent. See, someone can accept responsibility for their kids. However, I can see where some people don't.

This isn't really about punishing our kids... it's about teaching them common courtesy for others. That does start at a very young age but how can a parent teach courtesy when they aren't getting it? Since children learn by example, if they see a parent come home and cuss about someone at work, then they are going to pick it up. A parent slams things, yells, hits, then a child will do the same. It's about controlling ourselves.

YES, You teach your child common courtesy. For themselves. For you. For others. Mostly you do this by being courteous at home and in your car, in private. Most families don't do this. They are so quick to pick on each other to the point of verbal and emotional abuse. Kids pick that up and use it to their advantage~everywhere. Therefore they don't learn the social morays other generations did learn.

I told my sister the same thing. We weren't taught to respect each other. As family we are supposed to be able to tell each other anything. However that's not true, we should be able to self-monitor everything we say and only say the things that aren't going to start a family fight. My mother is mentally ill, therefore, she doesn't have this filter on her mouth. Because she acts this way, the family thinks it's alright to act this way right back at her. It tears her down and makes her worse. It took me 37 years to finally get control over my own mouth and stop making her illness worse by telling her just exactly how I feel about her behavior. That's how we gotta teach our kids. Be nice~to others, to us, to themselves. It's a value lesson lost when everyone started just caring about themselves.

Back to my son, I want him to know that his actions now will impact his future but, he's just too wrapped up in his own brain to care. It's my job to keep him going in a good direction and I have the time to do that. Most people don't have this time. It's sad but it's the truth.

And this post is a good example of this, you want to understand why someone you think is enabling is actually doing that. Well, the truth is it's because you didn't have the common courtesy to see these parent's are doing the best they can. You think you have the right to come here and blast them with questions and complaints. You think you can say whatever you want when ever you want. So when my kids exercise the same right, is it really my fault? No because I show them everyday how to speak to fellow humans....

Is it the truth?
Is it necessary?
Is it NICE?

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Permalink Reply by Bayleesmommy on December 31, 2008 at 9:57am

Oh wow! Ok, interesting point of view. I'm not trying to BLAST anyone. I'm trying to get a better understanding of WHY so I can be more tolerable....hense the title "venting"

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Permalink Reply by Dana Neal on January 1, 2009 at 3:33pm

Okay I didnt' read all of the responses..but your statement hit it right on the nail:
WHY don't we discipline our children anymore? Are we scared if we scold them in public we'll be looked down on or taken to jail? I just don't get it....These "kids" are our future and they are children who live and act out with no consequences or boundries. Since spanking has basically been titled as "child abuses" are we just lost on what to do? Does anyone feel this same way?

We(not me) are scared..and kids will use it against us. I'm not reasoning with a kid...like my grandmother/mother/stepmother used to say I brought you in this world, I'll take you out! No, I'm not talking about beating kids to death...but discipline in homes has been lack luster over the past 10-20 years....parents are afraid to hit that back side of disobedient child because of what? You got a spanking...what makes your kid better than you? So what times have changed...talk to the child....put your foot down....then the next time (because there will be a next time!) let them know who is boss.

I have 4 wonderful children...they will try my patience....but they don't go far....it usually takes one look from my husband or myself..and it's over....

You are right; parents that enable there children are not thinking straight..

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Permalink Reply by Dana Neal on January 1, 2009 at 3:34pm

Keep venting...if you vent loud enough maybe someone will understand where YOU are coming from.
Bayleesmommy said:

Oh wow! Ok, interesting point of view. I'm not trying to BLAST anyone. I'm trying to get a better understanding of WHY so I can be more tolerable....hense the title "venting"

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Permalink Reply by Bayleesmommy on January 1, 2009 at 9:01pm

Oh good! I was beginning to think I was the only one in this world who thought this way...and I'm not a HUGE supporter of the spanking. There are many children out there who are just born to be mild mannered children, who are very smart and learn to do the right thing very quickly and they don't need to be spanked....
However, my child and I are BOTH high strung, short tempered, drama queens (at times) and we need to be put into our place. I still do. I thank GOD for my husband everyday for "keeping it real" with me. My daughter is so much like me and I know that was the only thing that worked for me...as a child.
I know we are all different....I'm not saying one way is better than the other....but these children need CONSEQUENCES for their behavior, not excuses their parents make up for them ENABLING them to behave the way they do.....
I was an educator for three years before I made my choice to live off one income, be poor, but stay home with my daughter because her daycare provider handed me a book titled, "How to cope with your challenging child." I had no problems getting her to listen, but at daycare they had "time-out" / "safe spot" and my little one wasn't "down" with that. I tried very hard to enforce time out in my home to be consistant so it wasn't, one way at home and another at daycare. It was NOT for me and NOT for my child. Now that she's been home, we've made major strides. She listens to me, and she behaves wonderfully in public...I even took her to a New Year's Eve get together and she was the life of the party...no fits, no challenging me or anyone else, but it's because she knows now there are MAJOR CONSEQUENCES for her actions. (which include, if your interested.... in order of severity, taking away of the toys, no TV for the rest of the day, one spanking, two spanking, three spanking<----on the butt which is still diapered, and finally room for the rest of the day, but I haven't got there yet.)
I didn't self diagnose her as a "challenging child" probably with some major behavior disorder and convince my doctors and counselors it was her, not me. I don't blame her daycare provider because she was the most wonderful woman I had ever met....I blame myself for being selfish and not taking the time after work to work on my child and I blame my child for being hard headed and needing a harder hand to get her to listen...it's not society, not a mental illness, it no ones else's fault, I don't blame it on anyone.....I took CONTROL of the situation at all costs....literally.
I would just like for people to take control of their situations and quit drugging their children, dragging them to counselors, placing the blame on everyone else and become PACK LEADER like my man Ceasar Milan...well mom and pop families "PACK LEADERS". NO matter how you do it, CONSEQUENCES that they will remember possibly for the rest of their lives...they will still love you, my daughter adores her father and I... and we aren't nice people to her 24/7. The more severe the bahavior, the more severe the punishment...eventually they WILL listen.
My girl Dana gave me more reason to vent so I did...feels good!!!!

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