Christian Momlogic

Suzie Says: When You Fear the Holiday Blues

Jeannine* dreads the upcoming holidays. Her mother-in-law will politely backhand her with remarks that make her feel "less than". Her husband feels caught in the middle. The remarks aren't overt, so if Jeannine calls her out on them she looks like the bad guy, the one who is ruining the holiday.
Cynthia*'s mom is an alcoholic. Her mother promised that she won't drink, but she's made those same promises, and then broke them a thousand times. Should she expose her children to another drunken outburst, or inappropriate conversation as her mother blames Cynthia's father for everything that has gone wrong?

Cherie* feels torn. Again. Her parents are angry, and there's no way to win. "Mom, can we visit you on Thursday, and leave Friday morning so we can spend time with my husband's family? It's not fair to them that we always come here." Even if her mother does agree, she'll sulk in silence through Thanksgiving, and wipe away a tear in honor of "how things used to be".

Does this, or a similar version, sound familiar?

Holidays are special, and memories are being made -- for you, your family, your children. So, if a pattern of unhealthy events or actions are part of them, it has to be addressed.

How?

One of the hardest steps to take as an adult -- whether 21 or 55 -- is to set boundaries to work toward a healthier relationship with a parent or in-law. And yet that's exactly what we are talking about in these cases.

What is the real issue? Not how you feel, or what you want to happen, but what is the heart of the conflict?

In Jeannine's case, it's a lack of respect. It's modeled in front of her children -- who feel conflicted because they love mom, and they love grandma.

In Cynthia's case, she grew up in chaos. She's a good mom and the last thing she wants is to continue the cycle for her children. She's promised to give her children something greater.

In Cherie's case, her parents are using manipulation to get their way. Their motivation might seem pure -- we love our daughter and we want to spend time with her -- but the methods are less than healthy.

What?

What is your plan of action? What are the reasonable consequences to unhealthy behavior?

Throwing a fit is out of the picture. As is engaging in any type of verbal or physical or emotional warfare. Decide in advance what to do. Keep in mind why you are doing it. It's not to punish that person, but to BREAK A PATTERN.

If Jeannine's MIL says something snide, her son needs to address it privately, giving his mother a gentle warning that it's not to be tolerated. But she'll get angry? Sure she will. It's breaking the pattern, something that has worked for a long time. It may take more than once, or ten times, before she realizes she's hit a unified brick wall that says, "we love you, but this isn't acceptable". It's not done in anger. It's consistent. It's reasonable.

And when she "gets it", it's rewarded with hugs and affirmation.

Remember, boundaries are designed to work toward a healthful relationship.

In Cynthia's case, she tells mom that if she drinks, unfortunately she and the kids leave. Cynthia has a back-up plan for a fun holiday, whether going to a cool restaurant or cooking with the kids at home and doing fun activities together.

Will mom be happy? No, Cynthia will be breaking the pattern. It's unfamiliar to mom. After all, Cynthia has always stayed, even if the mom drank or got completely drunk.

And Cherie? She's going to work to create a schedule that first benefits her family (kids and hubby) so they can create fun memories at home, and then balance the schedules as best as she can.

Will everybody be happy?

Do you see the pattern? Not everyone can be happy, but rather than a lose-lose situation, you are working toward a compromise that benefits you and your family, and works to find a holiday that is more restful, fun, and balanced.

When?

One of the problems is that the issues aren't dealt with before the holidays. Jeannine or Cynthia or Cherie might stay away during the year, feeling that if they can just endure the day or weekend, then that's enough.

It has to be dealt with long before the holidays. It's not too late to do it this weekend for Thanksgiving. But it's better to do it now for Christmas.

I'd love to talk about this more. Questions? Comments?

I'd love to give away one copy of my book, The Mom I Want to Be: Rising Above Your Past to Give Your Kids a Great Future. In it, I share how:

* To forgive, let go, and move forward when you've been hurt in the past
* Enhance your relationships by setting tangible boundaries to work toward healthier interaction
* Gain fun and healthy parenting skills and methods even if no one ever showed you how
* Create longlasting memories for your children, even if your childhood memories were not what you hoped
* Grow as a woman, a parent, and discover who you were meant to be from the beginning

Suzie Says: When You Fear the Holiday Blues {{GIVEAWAY}}

Jeannine* dreads the upcoming holidays. Her mother-in-law will politely backhand her with remarks that make her feel "less than". Her husband feels caught in the middle. The remarks aren't overt, so if Jeannine calls her out on them she looks like the bad guy, the one who is ruining the holiday.
Cynthia*'s mom is an alcoholic. Her mother promised that she won't drink, but she's made those same promises, and then broke them a thousand times. Should she expose her children to another drunken outburst, or inappropriate conversation as her mother blames Cynthia's father for everything that has gone wrong?

Cherie* feels torn. Again. Her parents are angry, and there's no way to win. "Mom, can we visit you on Thursday, and leave Friday morning so we can spend time with my husband's family? It's not fair to them that we always come here." Even if her mother does agree, she'll sulk in silence through Thanksgiving, and wipe away a tear in honor of "how things used to be".

Does this, or a similar version, sound familiar?

Holidays are special, and memories are being made -- for you, your family, your children. So, if a pattern of unhealthy events or actions are part of them, it has to be addressed.

How?

One of the hardest steps to take as an adult -- whether 21 or 55 -- is to set boundaries to work toward a healthier relationship with a parent or in-law. And yet that's exactly what we are talking about in these cases.

What is the real issue? Not how you feel, or what you want to happen, but what is the heart of the conflict?

In Jeannine's case, it's a lack of respect. It's modeled in front of her children -- who feel conflicted because they love mom, and they love grandma.

In Cynthia's case, she grew up in chaos. She's a good mom and the last thing she wants is to continue the cycle for her children. She's promised to give her children something greater.

In Cherie's case, her parents are using manipulation to get their way. Their motivation might seem pure -- we love our daughter and we want to spend time with her -- but the methods are less than healthy.



What is your plan of action? What are the reasonable consequences to unhealthy behavior?

Throwing a fit is out of the picture. As is engaging in any type of verbal or physical or emotional warfare. Decide in advance what to do. Keep in mind why you are doing it. It's not to punish that person, but to BREAK A PATTERN.

If Jeannine's MIL says something snide, her son needs to address it privately, giving his mother a gentle warning that it's not to be tolerated. But she'll get angry? Sure she will. It's breaking the pattern, something that has worked for a long time. It may take more than once, or ten times, before she realizes she's hit a unified brick wall that says, "we love you, but this isn't acceptable". It's not done in anger. It's consistent. It's reasonable.

And when she "gets it", it's rewarded with hugs and affirmation.

Remember, boundaries are designed to work toward a healthful relationship.

In Cynthia's case, she tells mom that if she drinks, unfortunately she and the kids leave. Cynthia has a back-up plan for a fun holiday, whether going to a cool restaurant or cooking with the kids at home and doing fun activities together.

Will mom be happy? No, Cynthia will be breaking the pattern. It's unfamiliar to mom. After all, Cynthia has always stayed, even if the mom drank or got completely drunk.

And Cherie? She's going to work to create a schedule that first benefits her family (kids and hubby) so they can create fun memories at home, and then balance the schedules as best as she can.

Will everybody be happy?

Do you see the pattern? Not everyone can be happy, but rather than a lose-lose situation, you are working toward a compromise that benefits you and your family, and works to find a holiday that is more restful, fun, and balanced.

When?

One of the problems is that the issues aren't dealt with before the holidays. Jeannine or Cynthia or Cherie might stay away during the year, feeling that if they can just endure the day or weekend, then that's enough.

It has to be dealt with long before the holidays. It's not too late to do it this weekend for Thanksgiving. But itt's better to do it now for Christmas.

I'd love to talk about this more. Questions? Comments?

I'd love to give away one copy of my book, The Mom I Want to Be: Rising Above Your Past to Give Your Kids a Great Future. In it, I share how:

* To forgive, let go, and move forward when you've been hurt in the past
* Enhance your relationships by setting tangible boundaries to work toward healthier interaction
* Gain fun and healthy parenting skills and methods even if no one ever showed you how
* Create longlasting memories for your children, even if your childhood memories were not what you hoped
* Grow as a woman, a parent, and discover who you were meant to be from the beginning

Just Jill: Top Tips On Finding a Telecommuting Opportunity Today

My first step into the work-at-home world was as a data extractor for a company in my local area. Believe it or not, I found that job in the Classified Ads section of the newspaper. That, however, was ten years ago. Alot has changed in the last ten years - the internet alone has grown by leaps and bounds. So, what are some of the best ways for people in today's market to find a telecommuting opportunity?

Classified Ads
One good thing about the technology available to us today is that most Classified Ads are now not only listed in print newspapers, but online as well. Take a look through these to see if there are businesses in your area looking for local at-home workers.

Online Job Sites
Most online job websites now offer telecommuting listings. Use the search term "telecommute" to help give you the best results. There are even websites that cater to the work-at-home crowd such as HireMyMom.com. Remember - always be sure to read the fine print, and research each company/opportunity that interests you.

Freelance
More and more at-home workers are freelancing on a contract basis. Writers, web designers, graphic artists, and more are finding this a viable option to allow them to work from home. There are websites, such as elance.com, that cater specifically to the freelance community and make it easy for freelancers to connect with companies and individuals looking to hire them.

Start A Business
Another trend among telecommuters is heading out on their own. Taking the data entry and executive assistant skills that they've gained over the years, these at-home workers are now launching their own Virtual Assistant (VA) services, copy-writing services and other such businesses.

There are an amazing amount of resources for telecommuters today. These positions are in high demand, so be sure to polish your resume and tailor it to fit the type of work that you're searching for. Be persistent - it may take a while to locate the right opportunity, but it will be well worth the wait.

About the Author
JILL HART is the founder of Christian Work at Home Moms, CWAHM.com and co-author of So You Want To Be a Work-at-Home Mom. Jill has published many articles and is a contributing author in Laundry Tales, The Business Mom Guide Book, I’ll Be Home for Christmas, and Faith Deployed. She holds a bachelor s degree in human development and family studies. Learn more about working from home at http://www.cwahm.com/work-at-home/ .

Carla's Corner: Gather around the Table: The Importance of the Family Dinner Part 1

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and we typically think of the family coming together for dinner. It’s a time of catching up with loved ones and sharing a good meal. But why does it have to happen only a few times a year? CASA (The National Center on Addictions and Substance Abuse at Columbia University) released a study this past September on the Importance of Family Dinners.

CASA discovered that “one of the most effective ways parents can keep their kids from using substances is by sitting down to dinner with them.” Teens from families have dinner together less than three times a week, (compared to ones that have it five to seven times a week) are twice as likely to use tobacco or marijuana and more than one and half times likelier to use alcohol.

Families who have infrequent dinners together do not give their kids undivided attention when they are together. Teens say that the people at the table are talking or texting on cell phone or using other devices such Blackberries, iphones, and Game Boys.

The dinner table provides a chance to share ideas and find out “what’s happening” in each other’s lives. It’s understandable why teens from families who eat together regularly are less likely to have addictions. The atmosphere of the table allows parents a chance to discuss rules, monitor activities, and discuss friendships. Now that my family is grown, I miss the daily interaction and discussions we had at our table.

Over the years we shared our home with more than a hundred people, including at-risk teens, college students, single adults, displaced families, battered wives and their children, and more. Typically twelve to eighteen people gathered around our table. My husband made a point to draw each and every person, especially the children into the conversation. It was the highlight of the day.

A Typical Williams Family Dinner

We made a commitment to eat together every night. It was a rare occasion when the entire family was not at the table. Like most families, we opened with prayer, thanking God for his blessings and for our family. We read a scripture from the Bible, or one of the kids quoted their favorite verse. Often my husband led the discussion to cover topics like peer pressure, abortion, drug abuse, choice of entertainment—depending on the age levels of our children at the time. Occasionally, a food or water fight might break out—usually instigated by Dad, in spite of my protesting. When our social hour drew to a close, no one was allowed to leave the table until Dad said we were finished. He would close us in prayer or ask one of our boys to do so. It’s easy to think of God when you’re hungry, but according to the following passage we should give thanks when we’re full.

(Deuteronomy 8:10) When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you.

Afterward, depending on where the dinner discussion led, there would be playful cleaning up or deep contemplation. Either way there was unity and love. While I admit I enjoy not having to cook so much now that our nest is empty, I certainly miss having my family around the table each evening.

What is dinnertime like in your home? Is everyone running in and out between soccer games and dance lessons? Is the microwave the main cooking utensil? Or do you make a point to gather around the table as a family several times each week? Share with us your family’s dinner rituals.

Suzie Says: So you want to be a writer

I receive hundreds of e-mails a year from women who want to write a book, or a blog. Where do I start? Is it even possible? Who would want to read what I write?

Great questions!

If you want to write, then start writing. Make it a daily discipline. Journal. Blog. Write a page, or 500 words. Why? Because writing is hard work, and it has to be more than a dream. It has to be a practice, a part of your life.

.

I'm currently collaborating on a project with a man who has wanted to write his story for 20 years. It's a powerful story, and it has the potential to minister to a lot of people. Last week we were sitting at his table with his wife nearby. We had worked for hours. His brain was in a fog. I was tired. But the fruit at the end of the day was several great chapters.

"Who knew?" he said.

I looked up. "Who knew what?"

"Who knew this was such hard work?"

But it's also rewarding. Every day I get to connect with people all over the world and talk about faith, or parenting, or overcoming a painful past. I don't have a clue how many are impacted, but I trust that this is exactly where God wants me, and whether it's 10 or 10,000, it's a privilege.

So, if that's your dream, too, start writing today. Set aside a time. It might be 30 minutes. It might mean sacrificing something, like a favorite show or even sleep. But sit down and begin to write.

Where do you start?

Start with your life basket. What's in it? What experiences are in there? What talents? What are you passionate about?

And then sort through it. One question that I ask writers to ask of themselves is, "Do I want to be talking about this 10 years from now?"

Because when you write books, that becomes your ID -- your brand. If you don't want to be talking about it 10 years from now, and be identified by it, then it's probably a great blog post, or article.

Second, get with other writers. Are there writing groups in your community? If so, connect. There are also writing groups online. One free and great community is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TWV2 - it's comprised of authors, agents, publishers and beginning to intermediate writers who are learning about the business and art of writing for CBA (Christian market).

Third, decide if you want to write articles or maintain a blog. Mombloggers are HOT right now. Some of them are shocked at the following, and the opportunity to connect. But take your time to decide who you are as a blogger, and create a great web presence and a tag line (a brief line describing what you are about).

Last, who will listen to you? You might be surprised. If you have a message, or are funny, or encouraging, or a great cook, or photographer, or frugalfabulicious, or just about anything else, there are women who will tune in to what you have to say.

On a separate note, my article "Pursuing Your Passion" was just featured in Proverbs 31 Magazine. I hope you'll check it out, and that it will give you a little more information about how to run after your dreams.