Releasing to God

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Permalink Reply by Julie Albin on May 11, 2009 at 5:20pm

Hi, Kathy. There's a wonderful book that talks about dealing with the crazy-makers in your life (the author's term not mine). The book is called Fool Proofing Your Life by Jan Silvious. In this book, Jan talks about detaching from the relationship you have with your fool. The author went on to explain that we do this by treating them with the same kindness we afford to strangers.

"Now, I'm not talking about the kind of stranger with whom you make no eye contact and have no conversation." the author added on page 171. "I'm talking about the kind of stranger you encounter as a waiter or a sales associate in the store or as the office manager at your doctor's office. When you encounter one of these people, you are probably polite, kind, and share only the information that needs to be given in order to conduct the business you have. ... You do not open yourself up for intimate conversation about either of you, but you do speak with civility and kindness."

I know a few crazy-makers. If I had allowed their problems to become my own or their negative attitudes to bring me down, I would have lost the last twenty years of my life. It's like what Jan said on page 76 when she wrote: “your goal must be to find a personal freedom that allows you to be the person God intends for you to be, no matter what choices your fool makes.”

We don't have to give up on family members. We just have to give up trying to change them and stop letting their actions influence our emotions.

Keep the faith,

Julie Albin
www.diggingouttogether.com

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Permalink Reply by T. Suzanne Eller on May 12, 2009 at 12:27pm

There is a book called Boundaries. Have you read it? It may be necessary to set some. Not to punish her, but to work toward a healthier relationship.

I'm leaving in the a.m. to teach at a conference, but will check back here.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Everman on May 12, 2009 at 2:12pm

Thank you for your suggested reading.

With my MIL there are no boundaries. She is going to do what she wants to regardless and if you say anything against what she wants....well lets just say one of my Thanksgivings was ruined because I stood up for myself. By the time she left that day she had me in tears. Two weeks later I apologized, for saying anything that may have upset her, and all she would say was yes I did upset her.

Her philosophy is that she is the grandmother and she can do WHATEVER she wants to and she has literally told my girls that.

She is also very possessive of DH. In fact at lunch she went to ask the girls what he was doing and said...."what is your da MY SON doing today". She WILL NOT refer to him as anything but my son. This is something that started shortly after my youngest was born and she is 6 now.

As I said above as time goes on my MIL seems to be getting worse and worse about things she does. Which makes me feel like my prayers are doing the opposite of what I thought they should do!?

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Permalink Reply by T. Suzanne Eller on May 12, 2009 at 2:37pm

You can't change her behavior. The only power you have is your response to it. Please get the book Boundaries, and perhaps the one Julie mentioned as well. Read the chapter again in my book about boundaries. Why read books when the other person is the problem? It gives YOU tools to grow when the other person refuses. It gives YOU resources to deal with situations and difficult people and to keep your cool.

Thanks for sharing this. We're praying with you today.

Kathy Everman said:

Thank you for your suggested reading.

With my MIL there are no boundaries. She is going to do what she wants to regardless and if you say anything against what she wants....well lets just say one of my Thanksgivings was ruined because I stood up for myself. By the time she left that day she had me in tears. Two weeks later I apologized, for saying anything that may have upset her, and all she would say was yes I did upset her.

Her philosophy is that she is the grandmother and she can do WHATEVER she wants to and she has literally told my girls that.

She is also very possessive of DH. In fact at lunch she went to ask the girls what he was doing and said...."what is your da MY SON doing today". She WILL NOT refer to him as anything but my son. This is something that started shortly after my youngest was born and she is 6 now.

As I said above as time goes on my MIL seems to be getting worse and worse about things she does. Which makes me feel like my prayers are doing the opposite of what I thought they should do!?

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Permalink Reply by Julie Albin on May 12, 2009 at 2:48pm

Hi, Kathy. Setting boundaries is not about changing your MIL. That's God's job. It's about changing your behavior as you decide what you will and won't subect yourself (and your family) to. In her book, Living With Screwed Up People, author Elizabeth Brown writes that difficult “relationships are caused by two people: the person who does wrong or irresponsible things and the person who allows it.” When you appologized to your MIL for upsetting her, you were sending a message that her behavior was okay and encouraging her to continue it.

Does your husband work with you or against you on issues involving your mother-in-law? I ask because, if you are not acting as a unified front, then the first step to take is to talk with your husband. You must decide together what type of behavior you will and will not accept when visiting your MIL or inviting her into your home. Only then will attempts to set boundaries work.

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Permalink Reply by Melissa Smallwood on May 12, 2009 at 2:50pm

I have an incredibly challenging MIL as well. God has taken all my anger and bitterness towards her away and gives me strength every time I have to deal with her. It is truly not about them but about letting go so that bitterness doesn't take root in your heart and affect your relationship with God. I will pray for you!

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Everman on May 12, 2009 at 3:23pm

Suzanne, I will look into the Bounderies book. I also need to get my own copy of your book because when I went looking for it, it seems I gave it back to the friend that loaned it to me.


Julie, you don't know how much I did not want to apologize. LOL However, knowing how much she likes to hold grudges I figured I had better forget my pride and just do it. It doesn't help having a friend at church that frequently makes me feel like I'm the bad guy in this situation because I'm not specifically appreciative of my MIL because she the girls grandmother and DH's mother. She did not see why I should be upset about her coming over on M.D. after all she was a mother and grandmother, I should appreciate her wanting to be there. At any rate, thank you for letting me know my apologizing was wrong; I will remember that next time.

DH is pretty much oblivious to all she does. He doesn't deal with her unless he has to. Dealing with her is left up to me. He makes comments now and then that she is not the same woman he grew up with and I don't know that he knows how to deal with that so he stays away as much as possible. If I tell him what has happened he won't argue with me and really only says she's crazy what can I say.


Melissa, I really want to release the bitterness, I guess I just don't know how because every time I think I can handle things I have to deal with her again and the cycle starts all over.

I have two huge childhood habits to break. Releasing my feelings and standing up for myself. DH gets irritated with me because I will defend myself and stand up to him, but no one else. But I think it's because I KNOW he truly loves me unconditionally; unlike my family and his mom. But I am ready and willing to work on it and change things.


I greatly appreciate everyone's words of wisdom, recommendations and more. I also thank you for your prayers.

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