Does your MIL "speak a different language?"... Navigating a cultural gap.

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Permalink Reply by eva goodmil on May 12, 2009 at 9:36pm

Lucia,
Being a MIL AND a DIL, I understand both you and your Italian MIL. I think that early in life she learned two things -she was loved and valued only when she provided service, and the only way to express love is by nurturing and serving people. It is indeed an old world mentality, be it Italian, Jewish, Mexican, Polish, or what not. It is also a sexist mentality. We do not see FILs doing the same, don't we? There is no way you will succeed in changing your MIL's views on love. She is not your problem. Actually, you probably would not mind if she comes to cook and clean at your house, while your DH invites you regularly for a day/night out. Your problem might be your DH, who wants YOU to imitate his mom, and to be a house slave. What if you coyly placate him "Yes dear, your mom can cook and clean better than any other woman, but I bet no one else can make you happy the way I can..."? Maybe he will stop comparing you to his mom, if you agree that she is the best (kitchen slave). Does it make sense to you?
eva
Lucia Torregiani said:

My MIL is an old fashioned Italian mom who dotes on her grown children, my 37 year old BIL still lives with her and she cooks and cleans and pays his bills and treats him like the irresponsible child he is, she still does my SIL laundry and shopping and cleaning and she is 43 years old both are unmarried and never will be bacause mamma takes too good care of them, my husband is the only one who is married and she does the same when she comes over, I hate it because when she leaves he says I will never measure up to the woman his mother is....."blah...blah...blah" the cooking, cleaning, sacrificing for the family, we have come to blows he and I and it sometimes puts a strain on our marriage...what am I to do?

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