Mama's Got a Fake ID: Love the Role, Still Be You {{GIVEAWAY}}

Caryn Rivadeneira says her new book, Mama's Got a Fake ID was born out of her crazy messed up identity and trying to figure out who she was or was "supposed to be" once she became a mom. Join Caryn and Suzie as they discuss motherhood and how to remember who you are as you enjoy the role.

Suzie Eller: What do you mean by the "Fake I.D."?

Caryn Rivadeneira: Well, the notion of the "Fake I.D." started out as a bit of a joke. My editor was pressing me for a more catchy title for the proposal. So one day, I just kind of leaned back in my office chair, stared at the ceiling for a while and asked myself what was at the heart of this whole identity crisis for me as a mom---what made me so crazy about it all. And what came to mind was: "It feels like mama's got a fake I.D."

I think in essence, the "fake I.D." reflects how we sometimes feel about ourselves as moms---because we don't always measure up to our own ideals of what a mom should be (hence, we're using a fake mom I.D.). But it also taps into how others see us once we become moms. It seems so often that once we have kids---the REAL us disappears behind all that mom we've got going on. At least other people treat us that way. So that's sort of the outward application of the fake I.D.

SE: Is this identity-losing business essentially just an at-home mom issue?

CR: Not at all! And I have to tell you, I was suprised by this. I thought my full-on "working mom" friends would escape this. I thought it would be easier to hang on to who you were if you had time away from your kids to still "be you." But not so. Even the "working mom" label is a fake I.D.---it has so many false assumptions wrapped around it too. People still think they know everything about a mom if she works. And those assumptions aren't always so nice!

I've heard from some homeschool moms too who really wrestle with this. They're lives are so entangled with their kids that it's really hard for them to unwrap from that and be seen as the full women God made them to be.

SE: When did you first sense that you had lost yourself or that your identity as a mom was "fake"?

CR: My very first experience was after a lunch meeting with a freelance client when my oldest was six-months-old. When I left the meeting---which was a bunch of brainstorming and creative, energized thinking (which I love to do!)---I sat down in the car and realized I hadn't felt that much like myself since before my son was born. I felt SO guilty and ashamed. I didn't understand how I could love my son so much---and love being with him so much---and yet realize that for all these months, I hadn't really felt like me. Scary!

But it wasn't until several years later---when I was pregnant with my third child---that it all came to a head. That's when I went to a retreat where a strange man kept calling me "mama." It irritated me to no end---because I realized that "mom" was the only way he saw me. Then it all sort of came together---that my issues of feeling "not like me" or being seen "only" as mom, had everything to do with the fakeness of the mom image.

Once we learn how to be real moms---and to allow other women to be their own kind of moms---we lose that fake I.D.

SE: When I read the book, I thought it was refreshing and honest. What is the response from other women?

CR:That's nice to hear! The women I've heard from have said the same thing. My friends tell me it sounds like I'm in the room talking to them. I really did try to pour myself into this---to be as honest as I could. (It seems hypocritical to hold back on a book about revealing our true identities!) So it feels great when I get emails from women who say that appreciate my honesty---and can relate to my struggles.

The big thing, I think, is that we moms need to know we're NEVER alone in our issues. We feel so lonely and isolated because we hide behind shame and secrets and guilt---thinking no one will understand. And yet time and time again, I find that opening up with all this---just laying it out there---brings about the most powerful connections. Not to mention some experiences of grace. Love it. But it can be scary. Which is why gracious feedback is always welcome among us moms.

SE: What do you say to people who say that your self is something that a woman should be willing to sacrifice---or put on the back burner---when she has kids?

CR: I tell them they need to take this up with God. Seriously. Not long ago, I was on Midday Connection (on Moody radio). Most of the callers were supportive and kind, but apparently the call screener was flooded with calls from angry men who were "disgusted" by what I had to say. They were sick of women who "wanted it all" and wanted me to know I needed to get my priorities straight---which meant focusing on my kids first.

Well, the thing is, that I do believe that my priorities are straight---and that focusing on GOD first is the thing. God gave me my wonderful kids---he's the one who blessed me with motherhood. But before all that he knit me together in my mother's womb. All along, he's watch me get up and lie down (I'm paraphrasing Psalm 139 here....). He took in an interest in who I was and was careful how he made me.

I also believe he placed callings on my life that include motherhood---but extend beyond it. So when he asks me to do something or be something or write something, I'm going to do it--or try my best (certainly, I'll mess it up!). And the angry radio callers will just have to take their complaints to God!

My "message" is not about neglecting our kids or sending them off to boarding school so we can go about our merry lives. But about being known and loved and used (in a good way!) as the women God made us all to be.

SE: You share that your faith is instrumental in your identity, as a mom and as a woman. How did you come to understand what God felt about this topic?

CR:The answer to this was at the heart of this book. I wanted to know what he felt about it---because I certainly felt so guilty! Turns out, our mighty, wonderful God cares an awful lot about identities---his and ours. God goes to great lengths to make himself known to his people. He's not content to be seen as a random God. So he reveals himself through creation, through his stories in the Bible, through his names, and through his relationships. With each of these, he wants us to dig deep, ask questions, and seek him out--in getting to know him.

When I realized this about God, it helped me realize that my desire to be known beyond a random "mom" was one of the ways we reflect him as image-bearers. It was a huge turning point.

Then, I started noticing how God views individuals throughout Scripture. We know he saw some people as special. But also, we can see the way Jesus interacted with people---there were no fake I.D.s with him. No one was a run-of-the-mill tax collector or Samaritan woman or obsessive hostess. He understood---and related to---differences in personality. I think that's so cool

SE: What do you hope this book does for women?

CR:I hope it gives women the courage and the framework to be known and loved as their true, full selves. I think one of the biggest things with our identity issues is that it feels selfish or awkward to thrust ourselves out from behind mom. It shouldn't be that way. We are not only each worth knowing beyond our momness---but our identities (who we ARE!) are key to our being beneficial to the Kingdom of God.

SE: Can you give us a glimpse into a typical day for you?

CR: Ummmmm. My typical day is mostly chaos. A lot of mom stuff---getting kids ready for school, making snacks and meals, snuggling, playing. In between it all is me checking email, trying to get in a moment of editing or writing somewhere. And maybe a conversation with my husband. You'll notice dusting is not on this list.....

SE: How can people find you and your book?

CR: They can check local bookstores (if your favorite doesn't have it, just ask them to order it!). It's at Amazon, of course. If someone wants a personalized copy, they can head to my website: www.carynrivadeneira.com. Click on the "Buy The Book" link and follow directions!

SE: Leave a comment to win a free copy of Mama's Got a Fake ID. I loved this book. It's balanced. It's smart. It shows you how to love the role of being a mom, and still remember to be you.

As a mom of young adult children, I can tell you this is valuable information. When your role changes, it can be challenging for many women because they feel that their purpose (identity) has changed. Life goes on. You can love the new relationship of friendship and mentor with your adult children, and allow them to be the young adults that they are. Why? Because you have remembered to nurture the other roles and parts of who you are as you raised your children.

If you have questions for Caryn, leave them here. I'll send them to Caryn. Comments, questions, all go into the drawing next Monday, April 13 at 8 a.m.