Real Stories. Real Advice. Real Moms.
Carla's Corner: The Homework Trap
By now your children are into the full routine at school and no doubt have homework assignments. For some parents homework can become a real battle ground. Teachers vary on their expectations. Some expect parental involvement, while others want parents to back off. Personally, I see homework as being between the child and the teacher. How is a teacher going to know a child’s strengths and weaknesses if his mom corrects his misspelled words and math problems? The purpose of homework is for a child to establish independent study habits and to practice what he has learned at school—not to test what his parents know. But I admit, that wasn't always my perspective.
My most vivid “homework memory” with my kids happened when our son was nearly thirteen. We took Josiah to the emergency room for what turned out to be a severe sinus infection. At the time, we had no idea our son was on the life and death edge of meningitis and would undergo emergency brain surgery the next day. I had brought his homework along with us to pass the time. To be honest, I knew my son was getting behind in his schoolwork due to his recent illness, and I wanted to help him catch up—not a good time for such frivolous worries. My husband, Timothy, still teases me, thirteen years later, because I had the kid doing homework in the middle of the emergency room. (Ironically the homework assignment included coloring a drawing of the brain.)
After that I realized there were a lot more important things than homework and started using these weapons to fight the homework battle:
1) Keep plenty of supplies on hand. I bought poster board in bulk so we never had to run out at the last minute for it.
2) Set a specific time for homework. Our afterschool routine consisted of Meditation time (15 minutes of quiet reflection and prayer), snack time, a few simple chores, 45 minutes of homework, then playtime before dinner. After dinner, it was homework time again, but we limited the time according to each child’s mood and needs.
3) Don’t sweat it if the homework doesn’t get done. If something important came up with the family or we had church activities, we didn’t worry about homework. Sometimes a child simply cannot finish it because it’s too difficult. If I felt it would alarm the teacher, I wrote a note stating why the homework was not completed.
4) Show interest and offer help when needed. Allowing your child to be responsible for his homework doesn’t mean you don’t care. Ask questions about his work to see if he understands what he’s learning. Or have him read aloud from a chapter of an assigned book.
5) Post a homework calendar. Help your child break an extensive project into smaller parts so you don’t find him staying up the night before an assignment is due.
My husband helped me not to overstress or micromanage our kids’ homework. Timothy's outlook is that life is too short for kids to have to sweat about school all the time. When I would stress over homework, he would say, “I graduated from school so I wouldn’t have to do homework, so why are you doing theirs?” That made me realized that the more I worried about it, the less the kids accomplished and learned. Once I let go, homework became a fulfilling and enjoyable opportunity to discover my children’s interests and skills--and we had fun in the process.
My most vivid “homework memory” with my kids happened when our son was nearly thirteen. We took Josiah to the emergency room for what turned out to be a severe sinus infection. At the time, we had no idea our son was on the life and death edge of meningitis and would undergo emergency brain surgery the next day. I had brought his homework along with us to pass the time. To be honest, I knew my son was getting behind in his schoolwork due to his recent illness, and I wanted to help him catch up—not a good time for such frivolous worries. My husband, Timothy, still teases me, thirteen years later, because I had the kid doing homework in the middle of the emergency room. (Ironically the homework assignment included coloring a drawing of the brain.)
After that I realized there were a lot more important things than homework and started using these weapons to fight the homework battle:
1) Keep plenty of supplies on hand. I bought poster board in bulk so we never had to run out at the last minute for it.
2) Set a specific time for homework. Our afterschool routine consisted of Meditation time (15 minutes of quiet reflection and prayer), snack time, a few simple chores, 45 minutes of homework, then playtime before dinner. After dinner, it was homework time again, but we limited the time according to each child’s mood and needs.
3) Don’t sweat it if the homework doesn’t get done. If something important came up with the family or we had church activities, we didn’t worry about homework. Sometimes a child simply cannot finish it because it’s too difficult. If I felt it would alarm the teacher, I wrote a note stating why the homework was not completed.
4) Show interest and offer help when needed. Allowing your child to be responsible for his homework doesn’t mean you don’t care. Ask questions about his work to see if he understands what he’s learning. Or have him read aloud from a chapter of an assigned book.
5) Post a homework calendar. Help your child break an extensive project into smaller parts so you don’t find him staying up the night before an assignment is due.
My husband helped me not to overstress or micromanage our kids’ homework. Timothy's outlook is that life is too short for kids to have to sweat about school all the time. When I would stress over homework, he would say, “I graduated from school so I wouldn’t have to do homework, so why are you doing theirs?” That made me realized that the more I worried about it, the less the kids accomplished and learned. Once I let go, homework became a fulfilling and enjoyable opportunity to discover my children’s interests and skills--and we had fun in the process.
Add a Comment
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Comment by Carla Williams 15 hours ago
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Thanks Diane for your comments. It's a tough line to keep. You want your kids to keep up but not to stress out too much. One our son had severe learning difficulties and I really had to work hard not to intefere too much.
Please send me your snailmal address at carla@thespiritualmom.com
Suzette send me your address too.
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Comment by diane taylor on November 18, 2009 at 10:47pm - i wish i would have had your advise when my kids were in school. i feel it was a battle every night with one of my daughters to get her homework done. i always set up a study area with alot of supplies. she always had 2 or 3 hours of homework. i spoke with the teacher often but they said they had to keep up with their schedules. my daughter struggled for years. i want to tell you though,when she got out of high school she enrolled herself in college. she had the time of her life. she said the different teaching method made it easier for her to learn and study. she graduated with a degree and honors. so dont give up, it can happen.
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- Thanks for your comments--I love the "homework helper" idea Suzette.
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Comment by Suzette on November 17, 2009 at 7:23am - i think that the best thing we did was to write homework onto our afterschool schedule, and actually include it with all the kids sitting down to work on something, even if its just their spelling. I also included "homework helpers" as an extra "chore" that the kids can do, so they like helping each other out.
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Comment by Sara Broers on November 16, 2009 at 6:27pm - Another way that has helped us. In Middle School my son kept "misplacing" pencils. I would personally hand her a dozen pencils every couple of weeks. The problem eventually worked itself out, but it sure made school a lot easier for all of us. By communicating with the teacher and having an open avenue, everyone wins! This way I know of any big homework assignments that are coming due!
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- As I said in my message, teachers have different expectations. Obviously Show & Tell is a big deal for the teacher. Since when is Show & Tell Homework? Geesh! From your message it sounds like he's struggles with completing work at school so the teacher sends it home. Suggestion: Watch for a pattern to see if there is a particular subject he isn't completing--maybe math or language arts. That might clue you in. Also find out her daily schedule. Since we had 30 kids (foster parenting) I have some experience in what makes kids tick about school work. One of our kids (first grade) never finished any assignments that were scheduled right before recess or lunch. So that was what we targeted. A couple of times missing recess to complete his work took care of the problem--it was tough, but it worked. Another child struggled with math and was intimidated when he saw that all the other kids finished before him. I spoke to the teacher and she gave him a few minutes of extra instruction. Before long he was up to par with the rest of the class. Just a few suggestions.
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Comment by Suzette on November 16, 2009 at 8:30am
- my crew is still so young. dd is finally starting to get the idea, but the boys need to be lead by the nose. and then when I DIDN"T micromanage the youngest's show and tell (he is in kindergarten!!!) the teacher caught me after school and said that she had needed to have a chat with him about how he has to finish his assignments and told me what her expectations are. He's 5! For the next few weeks, he baulked when I even mentioned homework, and I had to bribe him with stickers! He is now back on track but I still feel the pressure.
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- Thanks Sara. When parents worry about homework, we're more worried what the teacher will think of us and not what is best for our children.
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Comment by Sara Broers on November 12, 2009 at 3:51pm
- I do agree that parents and kids should not have to sweat/stress about homework. Easier said than done. Yep, I so agree, their homework is that- THEIR homework- NOT MINE! I've already graduated from high school/college......Getting our kids to see the advantage of doing homework can be a real struggle, but it can be accomplished!
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