Seeing Through the Lies: Unmasking the Myths Woman Believe

Vonda Skelton drops by CML to talk with women about the half-truths women believe about things like image, marriage, and parenting. She's a funny lady who doesn't mind talking about the tough stuff.

Suzie: Vonda, In your book, Seeing Through The Lies, you say that women have been seduced by half-truths and whole lies for too long. What does that mean?

Vonda: It’s when we count on the true half of a statement to validate the other half that may not be exactly true. Or maybe the statement itself was true, but the intent from the beginning was to deceive. Either way, the lie is presented as truth…and we often believe it.

Suzie: One half-truth that is affecting our younger women, even as young as five years old, is the subject of beauty. What do you think?

Vonda: The media tells us through advertising, movies, and television that we aren’t beautiful enough, that we don’t measure up, that we aren’t worthy if we don’t look like the model. But the photo they show us is really a half-truth—a beautiful model with a photo that has been airbrushed and photoshopped.

We compare ourselves to others and either decide we can never measure up or we strive for more…trying to gain acceptance and approval. The problem is, this truth is ever-changing. What was “enough” in years past no longer meets the standard, whether the test is to be skinny enough, young enough, rich enough, or busy enough. But real truth is timeless and never changes. The real beauty God looks for is the beauty of the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)

We can teach this to our girls by praising them for something other than their physical beauty. We often tell them how beautiful they look in a new dress or make up or fancy hair—all things that focus on the outside. If we praise our children because they share their toys and obey without a reminder and help their brother clean off the table, we are praising their inner beauty.

Suzie: And inner beauty just gets deeper. Great thought, Vonda. Thanks! Since we are talking to moms, let's talk about another myth. A lot of women fear that they'll be bad parents or make mistakes that will affect their children forever. How do we overcome that fear?

Vonda: As a young mother, I tended to evaluate every situation, fearful that each decision would be the thing that affected them for life. But it’s not isolated events that cause problems, it’s the day-to-day examples we live. It’s our honesty (rather than hypocrisy). It’s the respect we show them. It’s the calm consistency in our parenting and saying what we mean. It’s letting them suffer the consequences of their choices. As they get older, it’s choosing your battles (blue eyeshadow isn’t a hill to die on; an immodest outfit is). Laugh a lot. Love on them, even when they act like they don’t like it. And be goofy. “Goofy” can cover a multitude of parenting “sins.” ;-)

Suzie: I loved the chapter, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. It's especially relevant with the current economic news. When is enough enough?

Vonda: I love that scene in VeggiTales’ Madame Blueberry where Larry the Cucumber announces his wish list. Then Bob asks, “Larry, how much stuff do you need to be happy?” Larry answers for many of us when he says, “I don’t know. How much stuff is there?”

That seems to be the question of the day: How much stuff is there?

Here are a couple of ways to overcome the temptation for more:

1. Give stuff away. Freecycle.org is a website community for giving stuff to people who in your community who actually need it. You can get free stuff you need, too!
2. Keep a gratitude journal. Everyday write down five things you’re thankful for. But don’t repeat anything for a month. When I started looking for the good things, I was amazed at how much God was blessing me. I had been totally missing it—because I was so focused on me and my “needs.”

Suzie: What is the myth that women believe about marriage, and how does that affect us when a marriage is struggling?

Vonda: I think the primary lie is “happily ever after.” Oh, you can be happy, but not “ever after.” In truth, there are bumps in the road, seasons of ups and downs. And it’s during those downs that people often feel restless, bored, unconnected, unloved, and are tempted to call it quits. If you talk to long-married couples, most will tell you there were times they didn’t really feel in love, but they worked on the relationship and got over the hump. (And if they say they never had any struggles, THEY’RE LYING!) My husband and I have found that the more we went through hardships and came out on the other side, the more we were committed the next time a bump came along.

(Of course, this is not talking about a situation where you or your children are abused or in danger. In that case, get out of the house, get help, and protect your family. Then begin the journey of discovering if there’s hope for the marriage.)

Suzie: You travel and speak a lot. You're a writer. But when you aren't doing those things, what do you love to do? What is a typical day in the life of Vonda Skelton?

Vonda: Once I was speaking to a class of students when a kid asked me if I rode to his school in a limo. When I told him I had come in my 1999 used Honda, he scrunched up his face and said, “You drove yourself?” The truth is, my typical day is just like anyone else’s—meals to cook, groceries to buy, and clothes to wash. Then somewhere in there I have to find time to write, keep up with paperwork, and meet deadlines. And let me tell you, that’s hard when I can’t even find my desk! (Can you tell I’m not a Domestic Diva? I’m much more likely to be called the Diva of the Domestically Impaired!)

Suzie: Can you tell us what you believe to be "real truth"?

Vonda: Here’s the real truth:
* Your worth is not dependent on your beauty, your busyness, or your stuff.
* A happy marriage is one that endures.
* Motherhood is an honorable profession.
* God has the power to overcome your fear.
* Your life won’t be perfect until you reach perfection in heaven.
* You win when you lose.
* You can’t win God’s love because of your goodness, and you can’t lose His love because of your sin.

Suzie: To learn more about Vonda and her book, check out her website. She's also a sought-after speaker. Have fun with this laugh-out-loud You Tube presentation of Vonda speaking about real beauty.