A GOOD FIGHT: Even normal families have conflict

Christmas was amazing. All of the kiddos came in and we had an early Christmas fiesta (taco soup, chicken quesadillas, sweets galore) and opened presents. It couldn't have been any more perfect. We laughed. We were silly. We had a lot of fun. As the week went on there were more Christmas moments. By the end of the week I was ready for some down time. I wanted normal food, and to sit in my comfy chair with my OU blanket and to watch mindless TV or curl up with a book. It was bound to happen. That moment when someone was a little frazzled from travel or living out of a suitcase (Mom, do you have my straightener? No hon, I don't. But do you have my hairbrush, and who took my shampoo?). By the end of the week someone got a little too cranky. For a moment, sparks flew. They didn't ignite the house and they weren't damaging enough to mess up all the good, but there they were.

A long time ago I tried to avoid all conflict. Bad things happen when conflict begins, I thought. But over time I realized that even normal families have conflict. It's human nature. Life. The problem is when we don't deal with it. We sweep it under the rug or we tiptoe around and then have a good bashing afterwards in the car on the way home. Or we let it go deep, where it simmers and roots of bitterness develop.

Instead it was talked about by family that loved eadh other. Not to death. Just to work through it and come out of it on the other side a little bit more clear, and a lot stronger. Then it was time to let it go.

Did I have fun? Oh my goodness, yes. Christmas was amazing. I loved my time with my kiddos. I loved it when Ryan laughed until he cried when my husband was reading the Christmas story and stumbled over a word creating a "that's what she said" moment.

I loved it when Melissa picked out a set of makeup brushes for me. Something I wouldn't buy for myself, so it was a luxury, but she also gave me tips on how to use them later, swishing the brush over my cheeks. Sweet, sweet moment.

I loved it when Josh received a present and jumped around like a little boy, even though he's 27. I had found a steal on Ebay on a laydown duck blind (don't ask, I don't know what it is) and he received the one thing on his list that he didn't think he could or would receive.

There were lots more great moments like that. Tiny treasures -- memories -- that I will tuck away. And the frackus -- the heat of the moment when tired people got on each other's nerves -- that has been resolved and it won't mar the good.

Because every family will face conflict and sometimes they just have to have a good fight to work through it. Maybe Christmas has some harder memories for you. Conflict wasn't resolved. You still are dealing with something "he said" or "she did". If so, maybe it's time for a "good fight" or these will come in handy next time.

TIPS ON HOW TO HAVE A GOOD FIGHT

1. Don't use "you" words like "you always" or "you never". Address the problem, not the person.

2. Offer alternatives, such as "If you feel tired, tell me so that I'm not in the dark as to why you are frustrated or angry".

3. Never try to resolve conflict in the heat of the moment.

4. Let the other person know you care for them before you ever begin.

5. Begin on a positive note. "You've made this so fun, but I'm not sure what happened. I'd love to work it out."

6. Meet halfway: compromise; listen all the way to the end; ask "what could I have done differently?"

7. Don't take it personally if they were 100% in the wrong. You can't change anyone but yourself and your response to the situation.

8. Resolve to address the issue before you meet again if it's not the right time. This gives you time to cool down and to think it through.

9. If you work it out, then move forward. Truly let it go.