A Smart Stepmom: Interview with expert Laura Petherbridge

What is a smart stepmom? Laura Petherbridge, author and stepmom of 23 years, understands the struggles and complexities of stepparenting. She travels around the nation sharing how to better blend a family and tips on how to become a smart stepmom. Today she joins Suzanne Eller and CML to talk and answer your questions.

Suzie Eller: You say that you were discouraged in the beginning of your second marriage. Can you tell us a little bit about that time?

Laura Petherbridge: I think that because I came from a stepfamily, and had a stepmom growing up, I thought this would give me the tools to BE a stepmom. I was wrong. The whole situation was much more complicated than I realized it would be.

Plus I had not fully recovered from my divorce. I didn’t give myself enough time to grieve the death of my first marriage, and I brought all of that pain and loss into the second one. Divorce is much more devastating than people realize, and they often do not take the time to fully recover. I know I didn’t. That’s why I share the reasons it’s so important to heal before entering a second marriage in my book, “When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t.” (David C Cook)

SE: How many people does this issue affect?

LP: An estimated one-third of children will live in a stepparent home before the age of 18, and 50% will have a stepparent at some point in their lifetime. Whether death or divorce has disrupted the biological family, children often struggle to adjust. The family unit provides a child with the safety and security he or she needs.

SE: Are there misconceptions about stepparenting?

LP: Many people, in particular Christians, falsely assume that a step family formed due to the death of the wife, is easier on the children than a remarriage after divorce. However, all loss is painful. Kids who are grieving often display frustration, depression, or belligerence. It’s crucial for the stepmom to understand how loss can shatter dreams and instill long-term anxiety.

SE: What can a stepmom do to help in this transition?

LP: A tremendous way she can learn is by attending a support group designed for kids who are suffering from the emotions associated with grief. Or read books written about kids and divorce.

SE: You list other myths and helpful tips. Can you share one more?

LP: About 75% of those who divorce will eventually remarry. However, one of the most common misconceptions about stepfamilies is that everyone will bond quickly and smoothly. Stepfamily expert Ron Deal shares, “The average stepfamily takes seven years to integrate. Parents want to believe their kids will be okay, thus the power of hope blinds couples to the realities of stepfamily integration.”

Many couples enter a remarriage without researching or believing that it’s not uncommon for the kids to struggle or battle the relationship. Parents often want to form “The Brady Bunch quickly” but when they attempt to rush or force the relationship between stepchildren and stepparent, it creates tension and sets the marriage up for failure.

In addition, a smart stepmom encourages her husband to spend time alone with his kids. When dad remarries a child may view the new relationship as a threat. I didn’t know my own stepsons were resentful of this until they were adults and told me how they felt I took their dad away. And it’s not uncommon for the dad to be at a loss as to what to do when the kids are jealous and they don’t want to share him with the new wife. Therefore, it’s important for the stepmom to initiate and support activities between dad and his kids. Gradually integrate activities together as a stepfamily.

SE: What about the marriage? There's so many factors. You are trying to create a warm, stable, loving home. You are dealing with real-life issues of grief or separation. And yet there's a marriage trying to form too. Any suggestions?

LP: Thirty percent of people remarry within a year after a divorce, and many to not take into account the tug-of-war between the spouse and their kids which may result. If a marriage is going to thrive, it’s necessary for the relationship to become the first priority. However, guilt may prevent one or both parents from placing the marriage before the children. If the marriage is going to survive the dad and stepmom must create a unified team. And Dad holds the key to success because he is the one who has a relationship with the kids. The stepmom is the outsider. If he allows the stepkids to disrespect his wife, the foundation will crumble. Working through the issues which cause stress can build a firm foundation.

SE: Can you give an example of this?

LP: Dad holds the key to success because he is the one who has a relationship with the kids. The stepmom is the outsider. If he allows the stepkids to disrespect his wife, or treat her badly, the foundation of the marriage will crumble. He must learn how to communicate unconditional love to his kids, while at the same time show them that disrespecting his wife will not be tolerated. Working through the issues which cause stress can build a firm foundation. Sometimes this requires that the couple attend counseling with someone who understands the complexities associated with stepfamilies.

SE: What if the kids just don't like you?

LP: Remember that hurt people—hurt people. And that it’s not uncommon to love your stepkids differently than you do your own biological children. Many stepmoms contact me feeling guilty that they don’t love the stepkids exactly the same way they love their own. This is completely normal. One mom said “I don’t mind wiping my own kid’s snot, but don’t ask me to wipe the snot of someone else’s kids.” God can help the stepmom learn how to love her husband’s children even if they never love her in return. This sacrificial love is often necessary for a stepfamily to survive. Jesus is capable of teaching a stepmom how to obtain his attitude, compassion, and grace. He longs to fill us with a love for others as he loves us. (Philippians 2:2-5)

SE: I appreciate your advice, and the fact that it comes from experience. You wrote a book for stepmoms. Can you tell us a little bit about the book, where to find it, and how to find out more information about you?

LP: The title of the book, and my workshop for stepmoms is “The Smart Stepmom—Practical Steps to Help You Thrive” written with stepfamily expert Ron Deal and published by Bethany House. It will be released in the Fall of 2009.

To find a Smart Stepmom workshop please visit www.LauraPetherbridge.com