CML Parent Talk: My teen is disrespectful {{GIVEAWAY}}

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Comment by theodora herrera on June 7, 2009 at 2:15am

Hello everyone, My name is theodora and this is my first time loging on and I am unsure how all this works. But I have 13 year old daughter and she just recently ran away and came back with the police three weeks ago. I wanted to strangle her but didn't. I called my mom and asked if she wanted to take for the summer because I am not sure what else to do for at this moment. They picked her up today and she will be flying to St. Paul, MN tomorrow for the summer. I started to cry real hard but I did not know what else to do . But she did call me and said good nite so I am just so damn confussed.

Comment by Jean Freeman on April 2, 2009 at 7:06am

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I never win anything. I am soooooooo thrilled!

Comment by T. Suzanne Eller on April 2, 2009 at 6:57am

Jean Freeman is the winner of this giveaway. Congrats, Jean!

Comment by Rebecca D on March 29, 2009 at 11:44am

I am at this stage with DD. I will try it out. wouldn't hurt to try

Comment by Vicki Hancock on March 29, 2009 at 11:42am

It is definitely the teen thing. My kids are mid-teens and still very disrespectful. I am praying they grow out of it soon because if they don't, they may not make it to adulthood, lol. I truly don't know how people can have teens and not lose their freakin minds. I am almost there, lol.

Comment by Susan Buetow on March 29, 2009 at 11:36am

My teens are disrespectful because I won't allow it. I do know that they are growing young adults and need guidance so that is what I try and give. I'm finding that they older they get they are starting to lead me!!! I'm very happy where they are right now. I do want to check out this book.

Comment by T. Suzanne Eller on March 27, 2009 at 12:17pm

Jean, There are some really solid answers in that book, especially in light of your past relationship with your mom. Talk to me as you go through the book. Take it a chapter at a time. It's likely that you will overcome some challenges before you are able to address the parenting issues. But the good news? You love your daughter. You are teachable. You are asking great questions. You are trying to break the cycle for your own children. Stop right now and acknowledge the good that you have done, and are trying to do. Will you do me a favor? Read a couple of chapters and then DM me. Let's talk. Okay?

Comment by T. Suzanne Eller on March 27, 2009 at 12:07pm

It's not wrong to expect an apology, Heather. It's part of building his character. But when it becomes personal, we fail to see it in that light. We NEED it, rather than seeing that your son needs to be able to apologize when he's hurtful. But what if he doesn't apologize? Why is he struggling to do so? If it's in the heat of anger, he's just feeling the emotions. He might NOT be sorry. :) Teach him. Be consistent. Reward him often (verbally) for good behavior (try to catch him good behavior). After it's all settled down, talk. Not long lectures. Start with positive affirmation. Say you're sorry for any bad behavior you might have exhibited, if that happened. Explain why an apology is important, and then let him apologize. If he doesn't, you've began to lay groundwork so that one day it will come easier.

Comment by Jean Freeman on March 27, 2009 at 11:52am

I have a 12 yo daughter that is extremely strong-willed... has been since she was born. We have had some real battles, but overall she is a very good child. She accepted Jesus as her Savior when she was about 4 years old and she has been in the Word ever since. She believes God has a real calling on her life, but she doesn't know just what yet. The problem is that (being strong-willed) she is a bit of a control freak. She can't stand to be told what to do by me. It is like a "I have to be the winner" kind of thing. I have told her since she could talk and started back-talking me that I am her mother, God put me in charge of her well-being, and therefore I would hold fast and she would not back me down. She knows that I am reasonable and I will back up what I say when it comes to punishment... I almost always do. But it doesn't matter. When she doesn't like something I say or tell her to do, she will argue and yell and push my buttons until it ends up in a free-for-all yelling match. She is totally respectful to everyone but me. I guess she just vents her frustrations out on me since she knows I will love her no matter what (I guess I have told her that too many times!) I have learned recently, as you have said here, that I cannot take it personally, and that has made a real difference in the way I react to her. We have a wonderful relationship overall, and lately it has been ever better. But the hormones are raging!!! Sometimes she just can't keep her mouth shut, even when it is in her best interest. My mother was an alcoholic, and I was raised with yelling and screaming all my life. I said I would never yell at my child, but you know how that goes...never say never! When she starts yelling...I start yelling to out-yell her. I have asked God and my child for forgiveness for that more times than I care to count, but I am getting better. What I need to know is what kind of punishment should I give her when she starts yelling at me. I want "the punishment to fit the crime," if you know what I mean. I know I am trying to shepherd her heart and understand the why of her behavior, thereby guiding to her change it. I have calmly told her that I am not going to accept her yelling at me... that I don't yell at her anymore, and I want the same respect. She is sorry and apologizes each time she does it, but she just keeps doing it. I just want to correctly train her to overcome this. I don't want her to be a mother like I had that hollers every time she gets upset and things don't go her way. I have spent a lifetime trying to overcome that, and it is quite miserable. Some people say she will grow out of it. I am hoping so, but I am not depending on that. We have had some deep conversations about all of this, and she is really concerned that she does it and doesn't understand why she does it when she knows it is wrong. I have led her to read what Paul says about knowing something is wrong but doing it anyway. I have told her that she just has to let go and let God by way of the Holy Spirit control her actions, and that hormones are playing a big part in it. Some days she will yell over nothing...the next day she is crying over nothing... and so it goes. I really want to help her know how to humble herself and let the Holy Spirit take control, but as all of us are, I am still a work in progress myself. Can you help? I just got your book "The Mom I Want to Be." I may find some answers in there, but I haven't read it yet! Thank you so much. Bless you for doing all this!

Comment by Heather Kegley on March 27, 2009 at 11:51am

WOW! What I have just learned from you all since I posted my vent 10 minutes ago! ;-) Probably part of MY problem is taking my son's attitude and behavior personally - which means I get angry - which results in a power struggle me vs. him. There have been some days when I've managed to stay calm, but I have a terrible track record for being Mt. Mama. I can relate to Mother of Nature because part of taking the situation personally is the lack of apology from my son. My daughter is quick to apologize, my son ... eh, not so much. Which hurts my feelings. Is it right or wrong to expect an apology from him?

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