Real Stories. Real Advice. Real Moms.
CML Parent Talk: My teen is disrespectful {{GIVEAWAY}}
Great question! Did you know that a teen's brain is still developing until the age of 19, and some even into their early twenties? Your daughter is learning coping skills. She's developing character traits. She's a work in progress. So how you handle her disrespectful behavior isn't a personal issue. It's not a you vs. her fight. It's shaping your daughter so that she can mature into the woman that she will grow into.
That's why it's important to take a step back and determine what you want for her. It's called long-term parenting and it really affects the way you parent, especially in those difficult moments.
You ask questions, like:
1. Where do I want my daughter to be 5, 10 years from now?
2. What do I hope my relationship will be like with her 5, 10 years from now?
3. How do I want my daughter to interact with others?
4. How do I want my daughter to respond to authority?
When you think through this it changes your response. If your daughter is disrespectful, you know that she's a work in progress. But you also know that you want your relationship to be healthy, so it's not going to be an all-out war. You're not trying to "win". You are going to remain consistent even if she's a roller coaster. She's not trying to sabotage you. She's in need of a life lesson, and guess what? That's part of parenting (sometimes the not-so-fun part).
You also know that it's vital that your daughter respect others. So, you have a reasonable consequence. If you do this, this happens. Every time. It gives your daughter much-needed, but reasonable boundaries. Again, it takes out the personal issues. You don't have to get mad. Your daughter doesn't haven't to push to see how far she can take it. She knows what to expect. You know what to do.
A mother shared how this knowledge changed her relationship with her teen. They were in the car and her daughter was moody. She snapped at her mom and said something unkind. The mom said, "I'm really sorry that you feel that way, but you know that being disrespectul isn't what we do. I'll listen if you have something on your mind, but you have to be respectful."
The daughter wasn't used to this. She snapped again at her mom. This was a familiar pattern that usually produced "wordfare" between the two.
But mom didn't get mad. After all, her daughter was a work in progress. She simply said, "This is the consequence. When we get home, you'll do this."
Did the daughter happily accept it? Absolutely not. It was rocking the familar boat. She knew that if she pushed hard enough, mom would cave. Or mom would get mad. But mom followed through. She remained consistent and calm. She let her daughter know she loved her. No wordfare.
She [mom] said it was freeing to take the me vs. her out of it. Her daughter was still angry, but there was not a big fight because it takes two to fight. She stood firm and daughter had to follow through on the consequences.
It took time, but daughter soon realized there were boundaries and mom meant what she said. She also realized that she couldn't push mom's buttons any more.
Mom was learning too. She had spent a lot of time and energy arguing and fighting with a 15-year-old and that they had fallen into an unhealthy pattern. Long-term parenting allowed her to love her daughter, but address the behavior of a teen who is growing into a young woman.
Mom says that she has a new relationship with her daughter. Her daughter is still a teen. She's still growing and learning, but it was mom's approach that needed work, rather than her daughter. Her daughter just needed some boundaries, reasonable consequences, and a consistent relationship with mom.
I hope this helps, Angela. It's a great question.
Every week we'll invite a parenting expert or author or counselor to address your questions at CML group. Next week we'll address Trina's question about potty training with a childhood expert.
Tags: boundaries, discipline, disrespect, fighting, teens
Add a Comment
19 Comments
-
Comment by theodora herrera on June 7, 2009 at 2:15am - Hello everyone, My name is theodora and this is my first time loging on and I am unsure how all this works. But I have 13 year old daughter and she just recently ran away and came back with the police three weeks ago. I wanted to strangle her but didn't. I called my mom and asked if she wanted to take for the summer because I am not sure what else to do for at this moment. They picked her up today and she will be flying to St. Paul, MN tomorrow for the summer. I started to cry real hard but I did not know what else to do . But she did call me and said good nite so I am just so damn confussed.
-
Comment by Jean Freeman on April 2, 2009 at 7:06am - Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I never win anything. I am soooooooo thrilled!
-
Comment by T. Suzanne Eller on April 2, 2009 at 6:57am - Jean Freeman is the winner of this giveaway. Congrats, Jean!
-
Comment by Rebecca D on March 29, 2009 at 11:44am - I am at this stage with DD. I will try it out. wouldn't hurt to try
-
Comment by Vicki Hancock on March 29, 2009 at 11:42am - It is definitely the teen thing. My kids are mid-teens and still very disrespectful. I am praying they grow out of it soon because if they don't, they may not make it to adulthood, lol. I truly don't know how people can have teens and not lose their freakin minds. I am almost there, lol.
-
Comment by Susan Buetow on March 29, 2009 at 11:36am - My teens are disrespectful because I won't allow it. I do know that they are growing young adults and need guidance so that is what I try and give. I'm finding that they older they get they are starting to lead me!!! I'm very happy where they are right now. I do want to check out this book.
-
Comment by T. Suzanne Eller on March 27, 2009 at 12:17pm
- Jean, There are some really solid answers in that book, especially in light of your past relationship with your mom. Talk to me as you go through the book. Take it a chapter at a time. It's likely that you will overcome some challenges before you are able to address the parenting issues. But the good news? You love your daughter. You are teachable. You are asking great questions. You are trying to break the cycle for your own children. Stop right now and acknowledge the good that you have done, and are trying to do. Will you do me a favor? Read a couple of chapters and then DM me. Let's talk. Okay?
-
Comment by T. Suzanne Eller on March 27, 2009 at 12:07pm
- It's not wrong to expect an apology, Heather. It's part of building his character. But when it becomes personal, we fail to see it in that light. We NEED it, rather than seeing that your son needs to be able to apologize when he's hurtful. But what if he doesn't apologize? Why is he struggling to do so? If it's in the heat of anger, he's just feeling the emotions. He might NOT be sorry. :) Teach him. Be consistent. Reward him often (verbally) for good behavior (try to catch him good behavior). After it's all settled down, talk. Not long lectures. Start with positive affirmation. Say you're sorry for any bad behavior you might have exhibited, if that happened. Explain why an apology is important, and then let him apologize. If he doesn't, you've began to lay groundwork so that one day it will come easier.
-
Comment by Jean Freeman on March 27, 2009 at 11:52am
- I have a 12 yo daughter that is extremely strong-willed... has been since she was born. We have had some real battles, but overall she is a very good child. She accepted Jesus as her Savior when she was about 4 years old and she has been in the Word ever since. She believes God has a real calling on her life, but she doesn't know just what yet. The problem is that (being strong-willed) she is a bit of a control freak. She can't stand to be told what to do by me. It is like a "I have to be the winner" kind of thing. I have told her since she could talk and started back-talking me that I am her mother, God put me in charge of her well-being, and therefore I would hold fast and she would not back me down. She knows that I am reasonable and I will back up what I say when it comes to punishment... I almost always do. But it doesn't matter. When she doesn't like something I say or tell her to do, she will argue and yell and push my buttons until it ends up in a free-for-all yelling match. She is totally respectful to everyone but me. I guess she just vents her frustrations out on me since she knows I will love her no matter what (I guess I have told her that too many times!) I have learned recently, as you have said here, that I cannot take it personally, and that has made a real difference in the way I react to her. We have a wonderful relationship overall, and lately it has been ever better. But the hormones are raging!!! Sometimes she just can't keep her mouth shut, even when it is in her best interest. My mother was an alcoholic, and I was raised with yelling and screaming all my life. I said I would never yell at my child, but you know how that goes...never say never! When she starts yelling...I start yelling to out-yell her. I have asked God and my child for forgiveness for that more times than I care to count, but I am getting better. What I need to know is what kind of punishment should I give her when she starts yelling at me. I want "the punishment to fit the crime," if you know what I mean. I know I am trying to shepherd her heart and understand the why of her behavior, thereby guiding to her change it. I have calmly told her that I am not going to accept her yelling at me... that I don't yell at her anymore, and I want the same respect. She is sorry and apologizes each time she does it, but she just keeps doing it. I just want to correctly train her to overcome this. I don't want her to be a mother like I had that hollers every time she gets upset and things don't go her way. I have spent a lifetime trying to overcome that, and it is quite miserable. Some people say she will grow out of it. I am hoping so, but I am not depending on that. We have had some deep conversations about all of this, and she is really concerned that she does it and doesn't understand why she does it when she knows it is wrong. I have led her to read what Paul says about knowing something is wrong but doing it anyway. I have told her that she just has to let go and let God by way of the Holy Spirit control her actions, and that hormones are playing a big part in it. Some days she will yell over nothing...the next day she is crying over nothing... and so it goes. I really want to help her know how to humble herself and let the Holy Spirit take control, but as all of us are, I am still a work in progress myself. Can you help? I just got your book "The Mom I Want to Be." I may find some answers in there, but I haven't read it yet! Thank you so much. Bless you for doing all this!
-
Comment by Heather Kegley on March 27, 2009 at 11:51am
- WOW! What I have just learned from you all since I posted my vent 10 minutes ago! ;-) Probably part of MY problem is taking my son's attitude and behavior personally - which means I get angry - which results in a power struggle me vs. him. There have been some days when I've managed to stay calm, but I have a terrible track record for being Mt. Mama. I can relate to Mother of Nature because part of taking the situation personally is the lack of apology from my son. My daughter is quick to apologize, my son ... eh, not so much. Which hurts my feelings. Is it right or wrong to expect an apology from him?
- 1
- 2
Latest Activity
Badge
© 2009 Created by Momlogic
You need to be a member of momlogic community to add comments!
Join this social network