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CML Parent Talk: My teen is disrespectful {{GIVEAWAY}}
Great question! Did you know that a teen's brain is still developing until the age of 19, and some even into their early twenties? Your daughter is learning coping skills. She's developing character traits. She's a work in progress. So how you handle her disrespectful behavior isn't a personal issue. It's not a you vs. her fight. It's shaping your daughter so that she can mature into the woman that she will grow into.
That's why it's important to take a step back and determine what you want for her. It's called long-term parenting and it really affects the way you parent, especially in those difficult moments.
You ask questions, like:
1. Where do I want my daughter to be 5, 10 years from now?
2. What do I hope my relationship will be like with her 5, 10 years from now?
3. How do I want my daughter to interact with others?
4. How do I want my daughter to respond to authority?
When you think through this it changes your response. If your daughter is disrespectful, you know that she's a work in progress. But you also know that you want your relationship to be healthy, so it's not going to be an all-out war. You're not trying to "win". You are going to remain consistent even if she's a roller coaster. She's not trying to sabotage you. She's in need of a life lesson, and guess what? That's part of parenting (sometimes the not-so-fun part).
You also know that it's vital that your daughter respect others. So, you have a reasonable consequence. If you do this, this happens. Every time. It gives your daughter much-needed, but reasonable boundaries. Again, it takes out the personal issues. You don't have to get mad. Your daughter doesn't haven't to push to see how far she can take it. She knows what to expect. You know what to do.
A mother shared how this knowledge changed her relationship with her teen. They were in the car and her daughter was moody. She snapped at her mom and said something unkind. The mom said, "I'm really sorry that you feel that way, but you know that being disrespectul isn't what we do. I'll listen if you have something on your mind, but you have to be respectful."
The daughter wasn't used to this. She snapped again at her mom. This was a familiar pattern that usually produced "wordfare" between the two.
But mom didn't get mad. After all, her daughter was a work in progress. She simply said, "This is the consequence. When we get home, you'll do this."
Did the daughter happily accept it? Absolutely not. It was rocking the familar boat. She knew that if she pushed hard enough, mom would cave. Or mom would get mad. But mom followed through. She remained consistent and calm. She let her daughter know she loved her. No wordfare.
She [mom] said it was freeing to take the me vs. her out of it. Her daughter was still angry, but there was not a big fight because it takes two to fight. She stood firm and daughter had to follow through on the consequences.
It took time, but daughter soon realized there were boundaries and mom meant what she said. She also realized that she couldn't push mom's buttons any more.
Mom was learning too. She had spent a lot of time and energy arguing and fighting with a 15-year-old and that they had fallen into an unhealthy pattern. Long-term parenting allowed her to love her daughter, but address the behavior of a teen who is growing into a young woman.
Mom says that she has a new relationship with her daughter. Her daughter is still a teen. She's still growing and learning, but it was mom's approach that needed work, rather than her daughter. Her daughter just needed some boundaries, reasonable consequences, and a consistent relationship with mom.
I hope this helps, Angela. It's a great question.
Every week we'll invite a parenting expert or author or counselor to address your questions at CML group. Next week we'll address Trina's question about potty training with a childhood expert.
Tags: boundaries, discipline, disrespect, fighting, teens
Add a Comment
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Comment by T. Suzanne Eller on March 27, 2009 at 8:28am - Mother of Nature, what a great approach. You see what you might have been doing wrong, take responsibility, and are willing to try something different. Parenting isn't an exact science. It's a continual learning process. Being flexible is so key and your attitude sounds great.
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Comment by T. Suzanne Eller on March 27, 2009 at 8:27am
- You can buy the book through me. E-mail me at tseller@daretobelieve.org. They are $14 (which includes $3 shipping). Cheaper than amazon.com and I will happily autograph it to your friend, you, or the gift recipient. Can pay through paypal or send a check. Paypal ID is tseller@daretobelieve.org.
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Comment by Mother of Nature on March 26, 2009 at 9:50pm - I have had this sort of problem with my once very sweet 10 yo. I will try this... I hope it works. What you say is true though... I take her attitude personally. We are very close, she is my only child and this new "tude" has been devastating to me. She apologizes sometimes when she see's it hurts my feelings... but I think I have given her power by taking it personal. I am going to try this. Now if I could get my husband to. too! : )
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Comment by EmptyNester on March 26, 2009 at 9:06pm -
Firm, calm consistency....works for more than just kids. Thanks T.S.
Where can we buy the book if we don't win it? These would make great Mother's Day gifts.
I know many mothers of teens.
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Comment by Kathy Everman on March 26, 2009 at 4:23pm - My daughter is only 11 and I'm already having issues. Boy, could something like this help!
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Comment by T. Suzanne Eller on March 26, 2009 at 3:31pm
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Hi LaShaunda, That's where making time to take a good look at your goals can begin to help. We yell because we take it personal. "If you loved me you wouldn't behave that way." "Don't you realize all that I do for you?" "Other kids don't treat their parents this way." "You are embarrassing me." I know that many parents, including me, have thought these thoughts. Instead of seeing teachable moments or our children as in progress, we see only the circumstance or how it makes us feel.
Some good rules of thumb are:
1. Don't discipline in the heat of the moment. Wait. If even for five minutes. 2. Let your children know that there are family guidelines, like "in the Eller household we don't yell at each other." That means that it goes both ways. They don't disrespect you by yelling. You don't either.
3. Forgive yourself as you learn. Ask for forgiveness when you mess up.
4. Be consistent. When something happens and you've all discussed what happens in a situation (say, if a child hurts a sibling), levy the consequences. It's not that your child is "bad", it's that you are teaching them what is right and what happens if they hurt someone else. It will happen every time. You don't get angry, because you have separated the behavior from the child. You love the child. You address the behavior.
5. Determine what is willful vs. a childish mistake. If it's a mistake, let them take responsibility or teach them how to do it. If it's willful, give a consequence.
Hope this helps.
Suzie
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Comment by LaShaunda on March 26, 2009 at 3:09pm - Remaining calm is the hard part. I find myself yelling all the time and my kids haven't even made it to being a teenager. Any tips on remaining calm?
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Comment by Trina on March 26, 2009 at 2:14pm - Oh great! I can't wait to hear it. We had a particularly bad day with it yesterday! Thank you!
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Comment by Angela Marion {pricousins} on March 26, 2009 at 1:01pm - thanks! I'll definitely be trying this!
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