Dealing with gloomy loved ones during holidays: Interview with author, Elizabeth Baker

Remember Eeyore, the little gray donkey who was always gloomy? It's cute when you're reading Winnie the Pooh, but it's hard to know how to relate when it's your spouse, a relative, your child. Especially during the holidays. Author Elizabeth Baker, author of Living With Eeyore: How to Positively Love the Negative People in Your Life, joins Suzie and CML to share how to relate to the Eeyore's in your life during the holidays (and every other day).

Suzie: Hi Elizabeth. Thanks for joining us. This is a "right-now" topic. There's nothing more difficult than entering the holidays, a time where your hopes are to have a special holiday, and have to deal with negative personalities. What is an "Eeyore Personality"?

Elizabeth: Perhaps the best way to explain is to give an example. I had the unfortunate duty to be a judge at a charity golf tournament last summer. I stood all afternoon in the Texas sun watching tiny, white golf balls sail across a hazy sky. By the time I got home my eyes were tired to say the least. I live with my Mom and when I flopped in the recliner rubbing my eyes and complaining her first response was “Oh, I hope you are not getting cataracts!”

I said, “Mom, I am not getting cataracts! My eyes are just tired from squinting behind sunglasses all day.”

“Well, you are getting about that age,” she replied with resolute finality.

Mom is my Eeyore (a fact she readily admits). She always sees the worst case scenario in even the most minor situations. To her, the glass is never half full because, as all Eeyores know, the glass is not only half empty, it probably has a hole in the bottom as well!”

Suzie: (laughing, because this is such a great example and hits home!) Well, that is a great example. So, is it bad to be an Eeyore?

Elizabeth: Not necessarily. All personalities have their own strengths and weaknesses, as well as unique benefits they bring to all relationships. Eeyores are not exception to that rule.

Because all personalities grate against each other at times, we may have to look a little harder to see the strengths of Eeyore. Their attitude and negative comments can be a royal pain, but searching out his or her strengths and celebrating them can directly benefit us as well as Eeyore. When you see the brighter side and accent the positive traits you find there, living with Eeyore becomes less burdensome. It may even have a funny side.

Suzie: I noticed you wrote the book with a lot of humor. Since the book is about Eeyore’s gloominess, that humor surprised me.

Elizabeth: The human zoo is full of so many funny quirks that it is hard to write about personality clashes without a chuckle or two. Writing in humor was the easy part!

Yet, this book is not a put down for the Eeyores of the world. As I said, Mom is my Eeyore. We are both widows and have formed a household for about the last twenty-five years. She does a lot of my proofreading and I’ll admit I was a bit apprehensive about what she would think of this work. But it turned out that she loved the book and even found rare occasions to laugh at herself. For an Eeyore, that is amazing!

Suzie: How can we know if Eeyore is depressed and sick-or just being their usual cloudy self?

Elizabeth: Thanks for asking that. It is a differentiation that really needs to be made. Depression is real. All of us go through down times, but clinical issues—including depression—are a different matter. Professionals look at nine criteria to diagnose depression. If someone has five of the nine, a pill might be in order. Although the criteria are not always a clear as one might like, generally the nine things looked at are:

(1) Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.

(2) Markedly diminished pleasure in daily activity.

(3) Significant weight loss.

(4) Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day.

(5) Psychomotor agitation or retardation.

(6) Fatigue.

(7) Feelings of worthlessness.

(8) Diminished ability to think or concentrate.

(9) Recurrent thoughts of death.

If these things persist, it might be best to have an evaluation.

Being clinically depressed is very different than being an Eeyore-type personality. Eeyores are not usually miserable. They just make everyone else that way!

Suzie: The upcoming holidays are when this seems to be the greatest battle. What can we do to defend ourselves from Eeyore's negative comments during the holidays?

Elizabeth: Part of learning to love Eeyore is learning to draw boundaries. Eeyore might like the Thistle Patch and cloudy days, but living there continually can stifle and choke other personalities. If you need a little more sunshine and fresh air, don’t be shy about creating your own.

One of the first defenses for negative comments is to put them in perspective. If Eeyore has spent all year focusing on the bills and problems and down side of every circumstance, don’t expect him to get the Christmas spirit and suddenly change! You will have a lot better success changing your response. When Eeyore comments that Aunt Suzie won’t like the sweater you bought her and that it will probably rain the Thanksgiving’s Day, put the remarks on a mental shelf and emotionally ignore them. There is no need to argue the issue or try and cheer Eeyore or—worse yet—correct him. Just remember that these remarks are no different than you have come to expect from Eeyore and don’t take them more seriously than necessary.

Yet it is also important to listen—really listen—to what Eeyore has to say. Make eye contact. Put down what you are doing and give Eeyore your full attention. Then, instead of trying to persuade him/her that the negative comments are unfounded, reflect the information back to the source. Listen for the content (what exactly is Eeyore saying?) and the emotion (how does Eeyore feel about what he is saying?) then put those two things in your own words and repeat them back to him. This technique is one of the best ways to encourage others to limit their barrage of words, especially negative words. Reflection lets them know beyond doubt that you heard them. Often, when someone feels deeply that you really heard what they had to say, they will no longer feel compelled to continue explaining and repeating. You don’t have to agree or disagree or emotionally by into the comment. Just hear it and let Eeyore know you heard.

But, once you have done your best to listen to Eeyore, you may need to get away for a while. Don’t be ashamed if you want to run away. Most of us do at times. In fact, running away can be a good idea. Just remember to come back when you said you would. Living with Eeyore can be a heavy burden. Most personalities need more positive input than Eeyore can provide. If that is the case, be creative and find ways to make your own personal sunshine. If you like Christmas decorations, but Eeyore thinks they are a useless bother, don’t argue or persuade. Just tell him what you are going to do, then put on carols and decorate specifically designated places avoiding Eeyore’s favorite haunts. Get out and meet with friends for the afternoon. Take a walk and note all the things for which you are grateful. There are many ways to make your own sunshine. Be creative and stir up a batch.

Suzie: What if Eeyore is your child? How can we help him/her be less negative?

Elizabeth: Good question! Speaking as the mother of four, grandmother of fifteen and great-grandmother of four, the first thing I have learned through these many years is that there are certain things you can never do for another person no matter how much you might want to. And, I learned long ago that it was very important for me to define my goals for the children in winnable terms.

For instance: I can’t make my daughter eat, but I can withhold snacks until she swallows the green beans. I can’t make my son feel generous toward his brother, but I can divide the toys and insist he share or lose the privilege of play.

The same logic follows for gratitude and positive thinking. Gratitude is an emotion and positive thinking a mental process. Both of those areas are outside my control as a mother. Yet, I can create an atmosphere for those things to grow in my child. And, the good news is that seeds carefully planted seldom fail to sprout and bloom.

A major part of creating that atmosphere is a parent’s example. This is so important it can hardly be overemphasized. When we speak positively of others and verbally express gratitude we are greatly increasing the chance that our child will eventually follow suit. Example is paramount. If you want a positive, grateful child, listen to your own voice. What do you hear coming from your own mouth?

On the practical side, I found that if one of my children continued to complain or had a negative attitude about something, I could usually make that something disappear for a week or two and the attitude changed. If they continually griped about the child next door, I could cut off visiting privileges. If they pounded the doll complaining that her clothes didn’t fit, I could make both items disappear for a month. If two children were at each other’s throats all day, I would sit them down at the table with a piece of paper and (depending on age) not let them up until they had listed five things they appreciated about their sibling. Only when the list was complete and read out loud to the family could play resume. For me, these practical steps worked much better than trying to cajole and reason.

Suzie: I love that this book is practical. You share specific tips for communicating with negative personalities. Could you share a few of those?

Elizabeth: We have already talked about listening. That is a skill that few of us naturally posses. Even though I spent years as a professional listening to hurting individuals and learning to emotionally walk with them, I still find I have to go back occasionally and remind myself of the basics. Giving another our full attention and really listening to what they have to say is a rare gift that only we can offer another.

On the flip side, it is also important that we put effort into learning to use words well. There is a place for small talk in any good relationship. It is the social oil that keeps relationships moving without friction. “What’s for supper?” and “Have a good day!” are more important than we sometimes give them credit. Even the social niceties of “Please” and “Thank you” as well as acknowledging the physical presence of another and saying goodnight with a smile are vital skills that we too easily let slide.

When times are tense and confrontive words must be said, I encourage readers to go over what they want to communicate until they can write the message in one to three sentences. Inside that limited space should be the exact problem, how you feel about the problem and a suggested change or solution for the problem. It takes a LOT of thought to reduce an issue to those limitations, but for anyone willing to invest the time, they will find themselves far better prepared for successful communication and real resolution.

Suzie: Okay, this may be a shot in the dark, but can there be anything positive about a negative personality?

Elizabeth: Of course! There are as many positive things about Eeyore as you choose to see. It can take a little effort and prayer, but looking beyond the negative words to the positive qualities is worth the search. You may find memories, kind deeds or physical qualities you can appreciate. There may be times that predictions of disaster have turned out to be true or nuggets of wisdom that benefited your life even though they came wrapped in black paper. Celebrate those!

Suzie: You say there is one truth that transcends even the worst circumstances and provides peace. What is it and how to we get it?

Elizabeth: I was raised in the Christian faith and always considered myself a believer in the power and presence of Jesus. But, it was only after experiencing many years of the bumps and disappointments life gives all of us that I began to see how practical spiritual belief could be. I experience myself moving beyond hurts and, frequently, being able to rise above disappointments. As a counselor I saw this same phenomenon in the people who came to me for help. Without fail, those who took their faith seriously—no matter what brand of faith—healed faster and found themselves far better equipped to deal with real life than those who did not. Deeply held and honestly practiced faith can transcend even the worst circumstances and give meaning to life.

As to how you get such faith, honesty and a willingness to search are good places to start. Too many people drift with the tides and then wonder why faith doesn’t help when the going gets tough. If someone has never experienced faith, I would suggest they pray asking God to lead them then choose a church and go or visit a local bookstore and peruse the shelves. The information is out there. It is just that taking the time to seek is not an easy thing to make room for in our all-to-busy world.

Suzie: You are a writer, but also a licensed professional counselor, speaker, and a Chaplain. Shew! That list makes me tired. : ) Can you share with our readers what a typical day looks like for you?

Elizabeth: Typical? I am not sure there is such a thing. I have recently retired as a counselor and given up my Chaplain job as well, so life has changed a good deal over the past months. Now, I have only one boss. Me. That has been a new challenge. One for which I am not sure I was ready!

Most of my days are divided between writing new works, marketing things I have already written, and doing those practical responsibilities life requires of all of us. I spend six to eight hours at the computer then cooking, cleaning and laundry take over. I also care for my mother who no longer drives and is in her 80s. Between those responsibilities and the grandkids, I try to squeeze in a little gardening which I dearly love. I also exercise each day and devote a couple hours to prayer, Bible study and reading.

In addition, I am in process of developing a new website and finishing out another book for Standard Publishing that will be a sequel to Living with Eeyore. Personalities According to Pooh is scheduled to be released in the fall of 2009. The web address will remain the same and readers can continue to contact me at http://www.elizabethbakerbooks.com

I always love to hear from people!