Expert Guidance for Parents to establish healthy sexuality

Jim Burns is a parenting expert and is known for several family and youth books and his daily radio broadcast -HomeWord. Jim doesn't just focus on not having sex, he wants to inform parents on how to begin an ongoing dialogue with their children that will establish a lifetime of sexual integrity. He believes this conversation should begin young and extend throughout their entire life.

Today Jim shares his thoughts about teaching your children healthy sexuality with Suzie Eller of Christian Momlogic.

Suzie Eller: Many authors have written books to help children learn about healthy sexuality. But this is for parents. Why is that?

Jim Burns: A lot of studies show that only 10-15% of adults received positive, value-centered sex education from their own parents when they were growing up. However, the more positive, value-centered sex education that kids receive from their parents, the less sexually promiscuous that they'll be.

SE: What is the best time to begin?

JB: Age appropriate conversations can begin as early as age 3.

SE: My mom was pregnant with her first child before she turned 16. It was something she wanted to talk about, but it was from the negative aspect, which makes sense because she had a child before she was prepared to be a mom. Can you share one positive way to talk to our kids about sex?

JB: The most effective way to teach our children healthy sexuality is to engage them in an ongoing dialogue on the subject. The "one and done" approach isn't very effective.

The goal that we want for our kids is to aim for a lifetime of sexual integrity--not just a few years of fear-based abstinence. Parents say, "Don't do it until you are married." The culture says, "Have lots of sex--but use a condom and you'll be safe." And the church oftens says little if anything on the topic.

SE: So, start young. Talk about the God aspects of a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Keep the conversation going, and age appropriate.

JB: Start by recognizing that, even thought we went to elementary school, middle school, high school, that we have no idea what it is like to be 6 or 8 or 11 or 14 in this culture. It has become sexually saturated. Become a student of the culture your kids are growing up in -- read what they read, listen to what they listen to, and watch what they watch.

SE: Let's get even more detailed in these conversations. Can you share some tips?

JB: Establish a basic framework for what you want your kids to understand. (1) God created sex -- it was His idea -- and He said it was good in the context of marriage; (2) sex outside of marriage is not His plan.

You want to teach your kids to commit to treating members of the opposite sex with radical respect and to understand the dangers of sex outside marriage.

SE: A question I'm often asked on Real Teen Faith is "how far is too far?"

JB: That's the question I get, too. Regarding "instant intimacy", help your kids establish safe boundaries regarding dating and relationships. No solo dating until 16. One study reported that kids who waited to date until the age of 16 have a 1-in-5 chance of having sexual intercourse before they turn 18. It jumps to 2-in-5 if they start dating at age 15. 50% if they start around 13 or 14. And a whopping 91% if they start dating at age 12.

SE: You encourage parents to create a pact with their kids regarding how much they'll use media like movies, music, and the Internet. Why do you believe this is helpful?

JB: It makes it easier for kids to know what their boundaries are -- and to live by them.

SE: I think parents would be wise to sit with their teens and watch an episode of their favorite programs with them. For example in the last season of Real World, there were issues such as going to war, transgendered identities, using someone in a relationship, and also a guy who had chosen not to have sex before he got married. Sometimes parents know their children are watching, but they don't talk about what they are seeing or how this is shaping their view of sexuality or the world.

What is the best advice that you can give to a parent?

JB: Don't let the failures of your past in this area keep you from engaging in an honest, open and age-appropriate dialogue about this subject. Listen more than you lecture. Help your kids find role models with integrity--starting with you. Remember that friends have a huge influence. Replace negative peer pressure with positive peer pressue.

SE: How can we find out more about this book and you?

JB: Go to HomeWord. There you'll find tons of easily downloaded tips and free articles and radio broadcasts, as well as ways to buy the book or ask questions!