When someone you love has cancer: Interview w/bestselling author Cec Murphey

New York Times bestselling author of 90 Minutes in Heaven, Cecil Murphey, knows what it is to find out that someone he loves has cancer. As a pastor he counseled many, but when his wife told him that she had cancer, being a caregiver and encourager took a new and personal meaning. Join me as I visit with Cecil Murphey, author of When Someone You Love Has Cancer.

Suzie Eller: I'm a cancer survivor and remember how much encouragement I received. At the same time, I remember how helpless and discouraged my husband often felt. How is this book helpful for the person whose loved one is battling cancer?

Cecil Murphey: Most of us don't know what to do when our loved one receives the dreaded news. Especially if we're the fixer types. We want to do something. The purpose of my book is encourage friends and loved ones to be emotionally and physically present. They don't need to do anything as much as to be emotionally available.

SE: How can you support someone when they are first diagnosed?

CM: Don't try to make them feel good. Don't throw Bible promises at them. They need your emotional support—your willingness to listen and to express love. Let them talk if they want; accept their silence if they don't.

SE: Why is it important to resist the urge to tell your loved one that he or she will feel better or to "think positive"?

CM: When we give such advice, we do the opposite of what we intended. We may make them feel guilty for not being able to feel positive, cheerful, or upbeat. Too often that empty advice comes out of our discomfort. As we struggle to accept their diagnosis, we want to feel better instead of focusing on the other person.

As much as we love the other person, we're also self-centered enough that our needs intrude and interfere.

SE: What is one emotion you faced when Shirley was diagnosed? How did you cope with that?

CM: Helpless. I prayed for Shirley and I also prayed for myself. We talked about her cancer as much as she chose. I'm the talker; Shirley tends to process in silence. In talking I became aware of my own helplessness and turned to God.

SE: You share several helpful tips. One is, "be slow to offer advice, even if you're asked for it." Why?

CM: People love to give advice—part of the fixer-mentality. It's also a way to get past our discomfort. To sit and listen and let the cancer patients set the tone is more difficult. They need our presence and assurance of our love. They rarely need our advice.

SE: How can people connect with you to find out more about your book(s) and speaking?

CM: I like that question. They can go to my website: www.cecilmurphey.com or themanbehindthewords.com.

SE: On a personal note, this Cec is the real deal. He's written over 100 books and has been on the bestseller list and yet he's humble and kind and a pretty cool guy. If you are looking for a good book, any of the 100 are wonderful, but this is an author's name that you should remember.