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"You say I'm 'bitchy' like it's a bad thing!"

Since The Problem with Women... is Men entered the limelight, I've been fielding hundreds of questions (mostly from women) about Evolved Men, "man-training", and how to better romantic relationships. However, one subject in particular has reared its head a couple of times: the accusation that a woman is "being a bitch" simply because she has a strong opinion. I find it both fascinating and confusing that a woman of confidence, inner/outer power, and/or unshakable self-esteem be branded a bitch. What's even more interesting is that many man are attracted to powerful women... but many of these men— once they "get" them—either: 1) get insecure, and then attempt to control the woman to establish their own masculinity; or 2) resent them for their power/confidence, and leave because "she's a bitch".

I disagree with this in its entirety… and to that end, I’d like to offer an updated term (of endearment, hopefully): bitchy. Being “bitchy” is not the same as being a bitch. (And besides, I’ve met too many men that bitch about EVERYTHING… so this is hardly a gender-specific term.)

Tina, the incredible woman who did me the honor of marrying me, is bitchy. She knows it, I know it and it’s a big reason why I married her. Please understand; I say this with the utmost respect and love. Men with a TRUE sense of their masculinity are confident and strong—much stronger than our pseudo-dominant brethren—and we need someone to “bump up against.” Tina is my counterpart and equal—strong, smart, brave, and opinionated—and we work hard together to keep equality top-of-mind in our relationship. She desires the best we can afford in everything (materially, emotionally, and spiritually). She acts without regret, speaks her mind, and demands to be listened to as well as heard. She is both protagonist and antagonist in our marriage… and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Being bitchy is different than being a bitch. During my interviews for the writing The Problem with Women… is Men, one of the topics women spoke about often was bitchiness. They told me clearly that they tried diligently to “keep their man in check,” but that it didn’t work. (I thought to myself, “No kidding.”) Loud complaining does not qualify as bitchy. Bitchy could more aptly be described as a combination of feisty, demanding and expectant…all positives, as these are the things that keep couples growing together and motivated as individuals.

Bitchy women refuse to settle for mediocrity. It’s not about material things; it’s about respect, effort, paying attention, intimacy, and a genuine interest in life. The woman in a man’s life is equal, regardless of who makes the money… and I say this from the standpoint of personally having stepped up—to pick up the slack in our household when my wife went back to school. We are a real team. I work full time, she goes to school and studies, and we both do everything that a house and two growing children require… without keeping track of who has done what, and without bickering. Men do not have the right to stifle the needs of the women in their lives. Partnerships—romantic or otherwise—must be founded in equality. If women want and need more, they must move beyond asking their significant other, and start demanding.

Demands are to be presented as clear and firm requests for action. Want more romance? Let him know that he needs to listen, or he will force you to find other avenues to fulfill your needs. I’m not suggesting having an extra-marital affair, but getting needs met is vital for any human being. After all, women are women first, and wives/mothers second. Personal needs must find a priority near the top. A man—if he truly cares about you—should and will help you fulfill your needs and attain your goals— for yourself, for your relationship, for your life.

It’s all about equality and a true partnership. Do not accept what comes if it’s not what you want; insist on what you need, even if you must be the one to take it yourself. Stifled women are miserable inside and suffer all sorts of health problems. That is no mere theory; it is fact. In many cultures where the great majority of women are subservient, the predictable consequence is illness
. Women who don’t demand more and lead with their partners wake up in mid-life and look back wondering what happened to their lives.

So… bring on the bitchiness… I welcome it… I PREFER it, as should other confident men who want an equal in their lives.


Charles Orlando is the author of The Problem with Women… is Men: The Evolution of a Man’s Man to a M... and is a speaker and life coach in the San Francisco Bay Area. When he’s not giving his wife breakfast-in-bed or playing Guitar Hero with his kids, his writing can be found at theproblemwithwomenismen.com.



Originally posted by Charles on The Daily Blonde's blog: http://dailyblonde.blogspot.com/2009/02/you-say-that-im-bitchy-like-its-bad.html

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Tags: bitching, books, charles, marriage, nagging, orlando, relationships

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Comment by Momatron5000 on February 23, 2009 at 12:44pm
I'm outspoken, I have a foul mouth when I'm angry, and I demand that people keep their word and remain honest. I guess you could say I'm pretty bitchy. My foster parents HATED this quality, and reminded me often that to speak out is unladlylike and rocking the boat will earn me no friends. It made me self-conscious, but I couldn't seem to change it. Fast forward to today, where I have a partner who introduces me as a "firecracker". He encourages my own strength because it enriches his. We are at once similar and very different. I wouldn't have it any other way, and neither would he. Great post, thanks!
Comment by Samantha on February 18, 2009 at 8:24am
You hit the nail right on the head, I have friends who are bitches and yet men flock to them, you can take 2 women, equal in looks, etc and the bitch will win everytime. I agree that men like the challenge, on the flip side it would be why women are drawn to the "bad boys" they keep them on their toes but life doesn't get boring! One sign of impending doom in a relationship is monotony and boredom, it can just sneak up on people because real relationships take work. There are people who will get in this type of relationship thinking they will tame or change the person, well if it happened they wouldn't be the same person you were attracted to and you should NEVER get in a relationship thinking you can change someone. If you can;t embrace them with both arms faults and all, you shouldn't even go there. PS Great article!

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