Your Best Life Ain't Easy: A good life in spite of bad beginnings (GIVEAWAY!)

Have you ever desired a better life? Virelle Kidder, daughter of a mentally ill and alcoholic dad and a mother who she desperately wanted to protect, shares her story in her book, The Best Life Ain’t Easy. She begins with childhood loss and takes the reader by the hand into a new life. Her life is sometimes funny, sometimes sad, but definitely honest and inspiring, Kidder invites you to discover your best life, too, as she joins Suzie Eller to talk about her book, about her life, and more.

Suzie Eller: Hi Virelle! I know you as a confident, fun woman. But your story begins with a child who is moved from home to home and who takes on an enormous burden far too young. Can you share a little bit about your family?

Virelle Kidder: Sure, Suzie, and thanks for inviting me to Momlogic. I love talking to other moms! Like many others, I grew up in the ‘Great American Dysfunctional Family.” Nobody planned it that way, but life happens when we’re not looking. In our family, my dad was an undiagnosed bi-polar who self medicated with alcohol all his life. In spite of that, I’m sure he loved us, but was unable to cope with the pressures of family life. When I was seven, he left and never came back. Even though life felt safer without him at home, I still longed for him and missed him greatly. Only a few years later we learned he died of a heart attack.

SE: I know that you've read my story and there are many women who grew up in tough situations. How common are the problems that your family faced?

VK: As we both know, Suzie, from speaking to women around the country, problems like these have snowballed over the past few generations into far greater difficulties than we suffered. Horrors like child sexual abuse, domestic violence, and drug and alcohol abuse regularly destroy relationships. Trying to establish our own families as adults often leaves us floundering in the wake of our past.

SE: Were you religious the first time you talked to God? Did He answer?

VK: Growing up without a dad made me long for a father figure I could trust, one that would love me and not ever leave. I wanted to believe in God, but felt He’d let me down with the things He’d allowed, that I just couldn’t trust Him. I prayed as a young adult, questioning God if he were real.

After Steve and I were married and he finished grad school, we moved to Baltimore, Maryland where he worked at John Hopkins with, you guessed it, a Christian co-worker. These folks befriended us and patiently handled all my angry questions. Within a few months, I wanted to know God for real, too. I invited Jesus Christ into my life and never looked back. It was a bold step, since my husband didn’t share my desire for faith. It was two long years later before he made the same choice entirely on his own.

SE: What would you say to a woman who isn't sure that God exists?

VK: I challenged God to show me if He were real. I began to read the Bible and pray for help with problems we faced every day. After awhile, it became impossible to remain an unbeliever. I understood so little about God then, but wanted nothing more in life than to know Him as my real Father. At age twenty-five, I knelt by my bed and asked Christ to come into my life. No sparks went off. No angels showed up, but a distinct peace and joy filled me and I knew He came in. Nothing has been the same since.

SE: How did your husband react?

VK: He felt I’d taken a lover, and I guess I had. I was an obnoxious new Christian, so anxious for everyone around me, especially Steve, to meet Christ, too. Within eighteen months, single-handedly I brought our marriage to ground zero.

SE: When did your marriage change?

VK: One day after I came home from church, my husband looked me straight in the eye and said, “If I were you, I’d feel guilty.”

I was furious. Banging my fist on the table, I said, “Guilty? Why should I feel guilty? You’re the one who refuses to believe in God!”

“Because,” he answered softly, “I am a pagan, and I’m behaving just like a pagan should behave. But you are the Christian, and you are not loving.” I felt like an arrow shot right through my heart. Steve was right. I had to change and I knew it.

SE: In a sense you were a pioneer family, doing things differently than anyone else before you. How did you know what to do?

VK: Steve came from an amazing home, full of love. His parents still love one another even after seventy years of marriage and six kids. Their marriage, plus many others we met through our new Christian family, was a great role model for us. But no one else can do the hard work change requires. That rests with each one of us, Thankfully, God’s grace enables us to do the things that please Him. Loving our spouse and family is tops on His list.

SE: You said something in your book that I think many women will recognize. You said you felt responsible for your mom's happiness, and in some ways that went on for many years. Can you explain that?

VK: After my dad left and later died, I assumed a role as my mother’s emotional caregiver. I don’t know why that happened, but for most of my adult life, especially after becoming a Christian, I thought it was my responsibility to keep her happy. And I nearly killed myself trying. I sacrificed a lot without even questioning it. Not until she began the slow descent into Alzheimer’s did Steve urge me to seek counseling. When I did, I learned God never gave me that job. He’s the only one who can make someone happy, plus their own attitude. No child or adult can do that. The relief was enormous, but working it out took time and brought difficult choices. Many women feel the same burden for family members. I urge them to get counseling far earlier than I did.

SE: What would you say to a woman who is still trying to fix everything?

VK: HA! Give it up! Better women than you and I have tried and failed. Take your people problems to God in prayer quickly and leave them there. He’ll show you how to love and serve the way He knows is best, which is usually far easier. I’ve told my story of exhaustion and renewal in detail in Meet Me at the Well: Take a Month and Water Your Soul. (Moody, 2008)

SE: How can a woman find her best life, if the road has been bumpy up till now?

VK: Invite God into your life, and hand Him the reins early. It’s the ticket to an adventure many people fear, but trust me, nothing is safer or more rewarding, nothing brings the surprising dividends of inner spiritual health like taking each day’s steps in sync with God. Challenging? Of course, but seeking God’s help with every detail of life will affect your family for generations and leave a lasting impact.

SE: Last, would you give us a glimpse into your day? What does a typical day look like for you?

VK: My husband, Steve, and I are living our dream. He’s retired from a lifelong career in education and is now enjoying sports, reading, fishing, and sculpting in marble and bronze. Each day is a gift to us since he suffered a major heart attack two years ago and nearly died. It’s my joy to share these days with him and not waste one on complaining about small things or nursing a bad attitude.

I’m still writing and speaking almost full time and mentoring students through the Christian Writers’ Guild. I try not to work constantly, because I want to enjoy this time as a couple. In fact, we just took a two-hour boat ride on the Indian River Lagoon. Gorgeous! I love everything God has given me to do and plan to continue until He yells, “Stop!”

SE: Please visit Virelle Kidder's blog or website to find out more about her books. You can purchase her book -- which is amazing, by the way -- on amazon.com. One lucky member who comments on this blog will receive a copy of Virelle's book, The Best Life Ain't Easy. Drawing on January 31, Saturday, at 8 am CT.